Alternative to time out?

[warmmfeet]

4 year old's behaviour is currently very bad at home since he started school. He's started hitting and saying he wants to kill us!

I want to put him in time out when he hits, 'you can come out when you are calm and behaving safely' type thing but he won't do it. He constantly runs out of his bedroom so the only way to enforce it is to close his door (he can't reach the handle to get out) but this absolutely terrifies him and therefore feels like a step too far/ emotionally abusive.

So what do I do?! I really need a consequence as he's quite out of control at times and making our home life miserable.

He's a very stubborn, highly strung person. He can also be amazing and wonderful and I get that school is a big adjustment but can't have this defiant behaviour getting set in. It's impacting his siblings and all of us.

Prevention is better than cure, so I think the first thing I'd do is try to think about what will help him decompress after a long day at school. Does he need to blow off steam with a run around the park or some time on the trampoline? Does he need a snack and time to chill whilst you read a book/listen to an audiobook/have a bit of TV? I'd try to make weekends pretty relaxed for a bit as well, although that can be tricky with other children in the mix.

For the times when that doesn't work, I'd separate him if he's hitting, but you or DH go with him (again, potentially tricky with other children in the mix, but it could just be to a corner of the same room if necessary). Then you can more easily insist that he needs to stay with you until he calms down and also help him calm down. Do you talk about acceptable ways to deal with angry emotions? Can you redirect him to those? Some sort of safe physical movement is likely to help, hitting a pillow, or kicking legs on a bed/sofa, or if it won't cause problems with the neighbours, going outside to yell at the sky.