High needs babies - seriously struggling

[HP3]

I am looking/hoping for some positive experiences of others mums in my current position
lo is 5 month and since week 2.5 has been a very challenging baby. She had/has silent reflux but that’s under control with omeprazole, I’ve had her assessed for everything physical and there is nothing else, I have now come to terms with the fact this is her, her temperament and personality. She has never slept well at night, and we are co sleeping now as this is the only way we get any decent sleep - we’ve tried every form of sleep training except cry it out and have had advice from a sleep consultant, she naps 40 mins max in the day, goes to sleep crying, wakes up crying. She needs constant entertainment and novelty; gets bored after 5/10 mins max if your lucky. Screams nearly every time I lie her down, hates been changed, isn’t happy just been held, you have to be in constant motion and holding her facing outwards, she wants to sit up but won’t sit in a sit me up, just wants you to help her - also wants to be supported to stand/ jump but refuses the jumper. She’s started to become very clingy now also, won’t go to anybody else, even her dad. Screams when I leave the room, until I then pick her up. I baby wear a lot and that’s fine but I am so drained, I love her and wouldn’t want to change her as it wouldn’t be her anymore but I’m hoping someone can give me some hope things will get better? She’s very smiley and everyone comments on how “ happy” she is - but this is when I am caring her around outside or indoors, she goes from 0-1000 in the blink of an eye. She hates the car seat, only tolerates travel pram for a short while, I have her at every group I can, as she’s soooo much better out the house but the stress of getting us both out the house kinda takes the shine off the hour she is settled at a group. I can’t shower without her screaming for me ( even when she’s in the same room). Has anybody been here before? Can you give me some hope and encouragement please? This isn’t what I thought life would be like, and I can’t help but compare to other babies and friends

Goodness, this was DS1 to the letter
as a baby. I feel your pain. It is SO HARD and nobody will understand unless they’ve had a high needs baby before. I now have DS2 who is a pretty average 11 week old - neither stunningly easy or difficult. The difference in experience is night and day.

Anyway, it does get better but potentially not for a while. DS1 got better with every developmental milestone. I’m not going to lie, he never became easy or chilled out. He’s always going to be highly strung, high energy and high maintenance, that’s just who he is. But by the time he could walk and started talking he was brilliant. Joyful, interesting and I really looked forward to my days off with him. He was a gorgeous toddler, although still demanded so much of me and DH. He still requires so much more input and parenting than most of his peers. But it really has gotten easier with each passing month. Hang on in there.

Thank you for your reply, although I wouldn’t want anybody else to be in this position it’s reassuring to hear I’m not alone and also very reassured to hear you had another baby - congrats! This gives me hope things must of got much better? When you say he still needs so much more, in what way? Also, did you worry about autism/adhd? I know it’s so early and I’m trying not to go down a rabbit hole but it has crossed my mind a lot. Do you have any practical tips you’ve learned along the way? Baby wearing is saving me at the moment, as it getting outdoors, taking her swimming and putting her in the bath. I’m worried about winter as she hates been indoors at home all day, and I also find it very hard, trying to keep her constantly entertained with the same toys / household items. Thanks again for your reply, your right, nobody without a high needs baby understand, the latest piece of advice I got was “ play her whale music” she will sleep. I know people mean well, but after 5 months of this life and trying every baby trick in the book, just don’t please haha

I don't think I've been quite where you are, but both mine have been velcro babies (both with nicknames related to the fierceness of their attachment to me) and with a high need for stimulation and engagement (the sleepy newborn period lasted 2 days), so I can relate to a fair bit of it.

I think it gets easier as they can meet more of their own need for stimulation – sitting up was huge for DD1 in particular, as she could play in so many more ways – and the ways she wanted to play. She was very, very over batting at things hanging above her. We all breathed a sigh of relief when DD2 cracked crawling (even DD1, whose toys were now fair game), because she'd been so very frustrated when she couldn't.

In terms of tips, look for baby groups that are longer than one hour! We did some buggy/carrier walks that then led directly into a church-hall style baby group – could be 3 hours out of the house, sometimes more. Similarly, baby/toddler stay-and-plays are often a couple of hours. If she likes the bath, she may like other sensory play – loads of ideas online – and many you can do in the bathtub to contain the mess, and then follow it up with a bath.

Once she is sitting securely (or earlier if you have a good bath seat), you might be able to shower with her sitting playing in the shower with you. It's not exactly a relaxing shower, but it's more relaxing than one with baby screaming for you.

I would also suggest baby signing when a little older, either in person classes or Sing & Sign (and possibly others) also do online ones. The songs and mental stimulation are good, I think, plus being able to communicate some basics helps so much with the frustration levels!

Thank you, yes I do think a huge part is frustration, she is desperate to crawl but gets on her front, tries to move, then has a meltdown when she can’t. I think she Is just bored of been a “baby” as mad as that might sound, like you say about been over playing with certain things in certain ways. She wants to be up and away, I can see her been a very interesting toddler ( hoping, everything crossed). Those are great tips thank you, I am going to get into looking for longer groups and the sensory play at home is a great idea. I hadn’t even thought about bringing her in the shower tbh, so I will also try that. Sign classes, I had briefly looked into but wasn’t 100%, however anything that can help us bridge the current gaps is certainly worth s try. Thanks again

How are you getting on, @HP3 ?

Thinking of toys as the weather gets worse, stacking cups were a big hit here as soon as they could sit. They couldn't stack them themselves to start with, of course, but they could knock them down and bash them together and find stuff hidden under them, etc. Also duplo – DD2 loved a rummage through the duplo tub from the time she could sit up (poor deprived DD1 didn't meet duplo until she started nursery at a year, but she loved it then). Not building to start with, just exploring the pieces.

My first was an absolute complete and utter nightmare when he was a small baby. All he honestly wanted you to do was walk around with him, if I could have walked him around all day showing him things he wouldn’t have cried at all, it is honestly the only thing that stopped the crying.

I can offer some hope as once he crawled he was about 50% happier and once he could walk wow, he was a totally different kid. At 18 months old and you would never have thought he spent the first 7-8 months of his life crying, moaning and shrieking at me.

He is now 4.5 and I can hand on heart say that 75% of the time he is the most pleasant child to parent. He’s super clever, sleeps relatively well (just had an almost 2 year streak of sleeping through the night broken as he’s having some trouble with waking again), loves to play by himself but involves us when he wants to, loves having books read to him and man honestly he’s the best.

I just want to add the reason I mention sleeping is because he was the worst sleeper I’d ever heard of in my entire life. He didn’t sleep through the night until a couple of months before he turned 3. He regularly woke for long hours during the night, quit naps at about 20 months old and as a baby regularly woke 20+ times a night, it was HELL!

@skkyelark thank you so much for checking in, things are still pretty rough tbh, we are now in week 4 of an extra rough phase but have seen a few chunks of hope the last few days, she has “played” with some items for about 10/15 mins before wanting picked up and walked around and shes let her dad carry her in the carrier rather than just me and she’s let me sit her on the floor on a few occasions, so, that’s quite big for us. However 90% of her waking her, she just wants me to put her in the carrier forward facing and walk her around - if I stop or sit down she gets very upset. Thank you for your suggestions, I did get her some stacking rings but unfortunately they just seem to frustrate her, she tries to fit them in her mouth and when they don’t she gets mega frustrated/upset then wants instantly picked back up again - which is the case with all her “toys” duplo is a good idea, I’ve now decided I’ll not buy anything until I’ve tested it with her as I’ve spent sooo much money looking for that 1 product that she will enjoy. She is sitting unaided now but doesn’t seem to have made any difference, although she does prefer to sit than be on her back so it’s helpful with nappy changes/clothes changes and when she’s happy to be set down. I’ve just enrolled her in a baby forest school, as she adores been outside and with the bad weather I thought it would be a good one to keep her ( and me) occupied 1 day a week. We are still going to lots of groups and get out the house at least once a day as she does much better out the house and it saves my sanity. We started solids but it’s hit and miss as she hates the high chair, so I’m trying a “picnic” on the floor approach when she won’t sit in the high chair. We also started the baby sign in an attempt to aid her communicate to reduce frustration (suggested on pp). We do get lots of smiles from her throughout the day however, which really helps me keep going, and Some laughs if we work really hard for it haha. She’s trying to crawl but mega frustrated she can’t, hopefully she masters it soon and it helps her feel more free and less frustrated, time will tell. I have however now accepted our situation for what it is and stop comparing her and our situation to others, I think this has really helped me. I’m trying to stay positive and hope she’s one of these babies that turns a corner which each piece of independence, here’s hoping anyway. Thanks again for checking in

@L0ts thank you very much for the positive feedback, it’s great to hear things turned a corner for you all and things have been going so well after such a tough time. That’s our daughter! She loves been carried around in the carrier ( but only forward facing) and rarely even grizzles when she’s in it and we are moving. We do this as much as possible and probably spend 60-70% of our day doing this, more if family are around to help. She is trying very hard to crawl so hopefully it won’t be too much longer, however I’m trying not too pin my hopes on things changing with these milestones - just so I’m not disappointed if they don’t. Ah yes our lo is a poor sleeper also, unless she is contact napping or co sleeping - then she will sleep quite well, however after carrying/holding her almost constantly all day, I do want/ need sone time alone on/ in the evening, as well as having some time to spend with my husband, but some nights we do co sleep as I can’t function looking after her in the day when I’m not getting any sleep at night either. I really am so happy for you all and how things have turned out, he sounds like s delight. Here’s hoping in a few months/ a year, I have a similar story to tell. Thanks again for sharing your positive story, it gives me hope

Hello. Just reading your post and this so sounds like my life. How are things now?