I don't know how to do this

[Beansandneedles]

I don't know how to be a mum in the way I want to be.

I never expected to be good at it, but I work super hard all the time and as long as I'm working I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job. But it doesn't seem to get easier, if anything it's getting harder as they learn ways around my techniques and push me to the limit in every possible way. I feel like I'm back in an abusive relationship only this time I literally cannot leave.

This afternoon alone I have been purposely stung with stinging nettles, had things thrown at my stomach and head and been shouted at at top volume. I have been nagged non stop to provide food, but when dinner was prepared half an hour early it was left uneaten. Noone had the energy to play at all whilst I was cooking, they sat lethargically at my feet moaning they were starving, but once it was on plates they were suddenly engrossed with toys and had no interest in coming to the table or eating at all. It isn't that they don't like the food, it just all feels like total mind games. I know in 2 hours time they'll be telling me they're too hungry to sleep. How are you supposed to react in that situation?! I've taken myself upstairs before exploding with the frustration of it. Most days I'm trying my hardest to make everything a game but my energy for it wanes more and more each week. I just never expected this to be so hard; it's relentless and thankless. There's a moment in every day where I feel like I've just totally ruined my life. I never want them to know it, desperately trying to create a harmonious household and for them to feel loved and cherish, and in return I get called a poo head. It's breaking my heart.

Stop trying to make everything a game and start explaining rules and reasons for those rules.

Bad language and unkinds word need constituencies.

You don't say how old your children are but you seem to have handed total control to them and they are too young to handle it.

Hey French, thanks for taking the time to respond. I was a bit upset yesterday and felt the thread getting rambley so I didn't go into detail with all the techniques I've tried. I'm not great at being succinct, as you can tell.

I make rules, explain them and enforce them a lot. "People are not for hitting/kicking/hurting", "I won't let you hurt your sister, we're leaving", "Inside we use an inside voice. If you're feeling shouty then take it outside", "I cannot have toys thrown at people, this is going away until tomorrow, let's find something else to do". "You seem to have lots of energy! My sofa's are not for jumping, let's get on the trampoline!" Natural consequences for unhelpful behaviour etc. We talk about and reinforce rules during quiet times not just when something triggering has happened etc. Just lately my oldest (nearly 5) refuses to listen when I'm talking. It's like he's shut down to all reasoning. I can take a good guess as to why (exhausted from school, restraint collapse etc), but I struggle to deal with big emotions and disruptive behaviour in a calm way. Sometimes offering a hug is the winner, but even that is falling flat/met with agression in the past few weeks. I don't know how to cut slack and simultaneously hold a boundary. It seems the more techniques I try the more they learn ways around my efforts (Like if I take myself away to calm down they follow me, there's nowhere to hide). I have a hideous temper so have spent years researching ways to communicate with them so I have alternatives to getting angry. I've been the kid in that relationship and am motivated to avoid history repeating itself.

Mostly we manage it. I find I get the most from my children when things are more playful. Like at dinner we pretend the fork can't be naked as it is bad manners, and the two of them take glee in making the fork naked again. But keeping that level of energy up from dawn till dusk is exhausting. Ordinarily at dinner time the rules are no toys at the table, we all sit until everyone has finished, as long as you've tried it first you can put any unwanted food on the 'no thank you' plate and eat the bits you do like as long, stuff like that. My 4 year old is pretty amiable usually, the 2 year old is still learning and 4 is now getting more and more irate that 2 isn't sticking to the rules so he's refusing to. It's all out chaos and without losing my temper completely I can't seem to bring things back into a manageable line! I can find the energy when they're playing ball but when it feels like the whole house is unravelling, it's too much.

How does anyone keep all these balls in the air 24/7?! Some people make it look so effortless.

You are doing great, but no-one is able to keep up their energy and keep two kids entertained all day, you don't need to make it all a game you can let that drop for a while. I know you are worried about repeating the past, but that isn't going to happen, because you are aware, you are finding it hard to see the difference between "always having to be happy and entertaining" and "being so angry you are abusive". There is a middle ground and you need to find it so you can drop your guard at least once a day.

As for the problem with your 4 year old getting annoyed with the 2 year old, you are treating them exactly the same, in this case I think you need to explain to your 4 year old that "the 2 year old is just a baby and has to learn and doesn't understand" AND start giving him some extra "grown up" responsibilities so he can feel that he is at the next stage. "The baby is learning this but you are now allowed to do this because you have already learnt the rules. We need to teach by example"

Overall you are doing great, but wearing a mask all day is exhausting and you really don't have to do it all the time. Xx