Petrified of baby choking when weaning / eating **TW** baby loss

[Ells1988]

Hello, first post here and I'm sorry if this has already been covered but I'm at a total loss.

Background: I lost a baby at 5 months in 2020 and had severe PTSD, got pregnant again in 2021 and lost the baby at 12 weeks, PTSD got worse, finally had my LO in Sept 2022 and had therapy and support throughout pregnancy, and continuing post partum.

My LO was born 6 weeks early so suffered with silent reflux, pre diagnosis she " held her breath " and went blue, twice, second time an ambulance was called. I thought I was loosing her. Her reflux improved but by 10 weeks she was in hospital with RSV on a ventilator. She recovered quickly and was out of hospital within 5 days.

The problem is, the sight of a cough / gag / silent breath hold is extremely traumatising for me.

Now, with weaning I'm petrified every time it comes to lunch time. She's doing amazing and eats well with my family and in child care, I also feed her to the book safe foods but I can't stop myself having a mental breakdown at each meal time.

It's getting to the point where I avoid meal times, I can't wait for her to finish her food or I just remove myself from a situation. I make excuses that she doesn't like the food so I can take it away early, I struggle giving her food in restaurants as it's loud and I can't hear her so I always assume she's choking.

I'm a medic, trained in CPR and choking, I do this annually. I know logically this is all total BS but it's an uncontrollable response from my body. Shaking, crying, sweating, terrible anxiety, light headed, dizzy, feeling the blood drain from my face. It's exhausting as its every day. Just as I'm writing this and thinking about it I'm feeling physical symptoms.

It's causing problems in my relationship as it's getting tedious and if we are out and she needs to eat, even afterwards I spiral and become an anxious mess for hours. My partner understands but he's finding it hard to continue to have patience with me.

Which then makes me feel worse and the cycle continues.

I really don't know what to do, it's taking over my life and I feel like such a bad mother.

Any suggestions appreciated

Ells

Are you currently being seen by a psychologist? I really think you need some help.
I had other issues with PTSD and EMDR has really helped me.
I think a good psychologist is really worth the money.

I agree, you need to ask for more help with your PTSD and anxiety.

In the meantime, can your partner feed baby whenever possible? I know it's not ideal from the point of view of family meal times, but it's probably better than you getting this anxious – and you don't want baby to pick up that eating is stressful.

Firstly, you're absolutely not a bad mother. You're a brilliant mother who has had an incredibly tough time and it's your love for your baby which underlies your anxiety. I'm so sorry for your losses. 💐

Secondly, it's also great that you have realised this is a psychological problem. There is always some degree of risk but the risk your baby will choke is very low indeed. That said, I also get nervous feeding my baby and haven't had your history- it's natural to feel trepidation.

I agree with PP that you definitely would benefit from some therapy and that dad should help with feeding to the extent possible.

Also would it be worth writing down a little plan where you gradually expose yourself to feeding what you perceive as 'riskier' foods over time? So start with feeding her what you consider 'safe ' foods and set a timer on yourself for how long you can tolerate without unnecessary intervention. Then build up gradually.

Be kind to yourself if it takes a while - you are not going to damage your baby. You are doing a truly wonderful job.