Good lord.
Usually my child is laid back, fairly compliant, happy go lucky and quite pleasant to be around. Other people comment he's an easy child, whatever that means. I suspect I am lucky.
But since he's turned three... Good grief. I could really use some advice.
So as not to drip feed.. he's been at nursery since he was 9 months old. Same setting. We have recently had to change his setting for reasons I won't go into. He was settled and happy with a group of little friends whom we still see but I wasn't willing to close a door on an option we might need to take in his best interests 'because they're a private nursery and can do as they wish' they can, and so can we. Found a new setting, lovely place, settles went well and their ethos is much more in keeping with our own. No reservations. Appreciate from a three year olds perspective it is a big change though. And he goes to nursery most of the week.
He's bright, articulate, sociable and confident. All great things. Emotionally, not stoic at all though and doesn't deal with change well. He has little emotional resilience. We are working on that.
At the same time, he had his third birthday, a busy weekend full of lots of treats, and a second weekend after that full of visits and friends and more treats, around the time of the nursery move. So I am taking this into consideration.
My usually happy go lucky lad, has had a few 'emotional days' most days we have battles it seems now. Over getting dressed, going to the toilet, eating dinner, coming inside the house from the garden, not doing, or doing an activity, brushing teeth, getting out of the shower, stringing out bedtime.
He will resort to hitting/kicking when frustrated. Then when he gets removed from the space looses the plot entirely and throws stuff. He kicked the paddling pool (and looked to make sure I had seen him) when he didn't want to come inside tonight then kept doing it. I want to scream 'what the are you doing? How do you think this is going to help anything' but I would obviously never talk to him like that.
I'm tying to find the right balance between acknowledging his feelings (change of nursery, losing friends, new environment, a few busy weekends full of treats, lack of routine) and not allowing behaviour to slide. I don't want to be a permissive parent that ends up with a self centred child but equally I don't want to be a dictator. No clue where the right balance is half the time though. I just shout at him it feels all the time, then his behaviour is worse because he's been scolded. He's lovely when everything is going his way, but life isn't like that.
Is he just three amd this is normal or does he have adhd? I think back to all the times he might possibly have hit his head on a climbing frame or falling off his bike and worry. I worry about the first five weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant and had a cigarette and drank over Christmas. I googled it. Now I'm more worried. The kid doesn't listen. How do I know the difference and if he needs help at this age?
Do I just stop trying to give him dinner in the evening? He gets a cold tea at 4 ish at nursery. Dinner is and has always been a battle that makes me so frustrated. If I give up and let him get down from the table he's getting his way. If I don't offer him dinner I worry he will be hungry. Surely can't be right to have your last cold meal (a sandwich) four hours before bed then nothing until breakfast? Which will be cereal? He has vitamins each day. And he's a normal weight and tall ish so why am I fighting this fight every day. I won't force him to eat but it is a battle every single day. He eats well at nursery and doesn't mess around or require a large amount of cajoling.
He cries and whinges like a banshee - like tonight when he didn't want to have a wee and dinner. But stopped yelling and chatted fine intermittently when something interested him. Which winds me up more when I known its not even a genuine thing.
Nothing works anymore. Threats, bribes, 'oh thats a hard feeling darling, let's work through it together' - he just doesn't care and continues to mess about. Scratching the table with his fork, pushing the plate away interrupting, asking inane questions, singing, asking for the TV on, or the channel changed. Basically anything but doing whatever he should be doing be that eating, getting undressed, leaving the house.
He can be so sweet and lovely, and then so, so difficult when we have something to get done. As if he tries to find a way to make every little thing as difficult as possible. Which i know isn't a purposeful thing but my goodness it's exhausting and I only have so much patience. And then guilt. When I don't have the stamina to keep going.
He's been 'emotional' at nursery and I've had a chat with his keyworker/the manager a few times over the last week or so but I'm worried if we make a big thing of it he's almost playing us for attention.
Tonight he tried the throwing his toys out of bed trick again to see if I'd interact. I didnt. He got out of bed, retrieved the Teddy he was crying about and got back in to go to sleep. I had tucked said Teddy in with him less than 5 minutes before, so it was a deliberate act to throw it out if the bed and cry about it. I could tell from his cry it was a power play.
I've got this sneaky suspicion he's trying to work out if he says he's sad whether that gets him extra attention. Obviously if he's genuinely sad about something I was to be a responsive parent he is securely attached to that responds appropriately and provides the love and reassurance he needs. He is also not daft, and neither am I. I worry if we make a big thing of asking him how he's feeling when he throws a wobbly about doing anything and he says he's sad so receives love and hugs and extra time and leeway as a result he will learn to just say he's sad to everything. I hope that makes sense.
I feel better for typing. Any words of advice? Is three just a horror age? How do I responsively parent through this without being permissive? How do I not end up with an egotistical nightmare child? How do I make sure he still feels loved and secure whilst guiding his behaviour correctly?