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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Low self-esteem in an 11 year old

16 replies

PuppyDogTails · 02/03/2008 13:09

Does anyone know any good books that would help or any useful websites?

TIA

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Nessamommy · 02/03/2008 17:09

From what I've seen with teens (working with them), if he/she gets invoved in activities they are interested in, they will start to feel better about accomplishments. Praise and spending time with them so they feel valued is important. That's all I really have...sorry...not that much help.

Original poster

PuppyDogTails · 02/03/2008 18:07

Anything is helpful thanks Nessa!

DSD has recently come to live with us and we're starting to think that she is suffering from low self-esteem. We do encourage her interests but to be honest she doesn't have many. Changing schools hasn't helped but she does now seem to be settling and finding good friends (although she shows no interest in meeting them outside school however much we encourage it).

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KatyMac · 02/03/2008 18:10

Guides?
After school clubs?

Original poster

PuppyDogTails · 02/03/2008 18:50

She goes to netball club and plays for the school which is helping (until she isn't picked to play, bit of a double-edged sword!)

I do think things are improving since she came to us, I'm just conscious that we're doing a bit of a self-diagnosis really and just want to see if we're on the right track. She also ends up in some real melt-down arguments with DP which can't be helping the situation and cause everyone a lot of stress.

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KatyMac · 02/03/2008 19:17

What about something less competitive

EmmyLou · 02/03/2008 19:24

Help her acquire good life skills - cooking, using appliances etc. A bit of self sufficiency can boost confidence. Melt down arguments can be par for the course at 11 though. Can take time to settle in at a new school too. I'd ask her head of year or form tutor how she is at school - if she's interacting fine with her peers, you might feel a little more relaxed at home...?

Shout · 02/03/2008 19:40

I have just started reading 'Positive pushing' by Jim Taylor. I picked it up at a book sale so I dont know if it is available in the Uk but maybe Amazon will have it.

It begins with childrens self esteem and how getting them to accomplish small tasks and build up on. Believing that they can do things and pushing them to try. Yet removing any link to how much you love them depends on the task.

Even if it is pushing her to make a meal or try doing some iorning she is achieving and can feel proud of herself.Any new job will help.

If she was half hearted about netball and as a result didn't make the team.Pointing out to her where or how she can try and improve for nxt time is ok. Then she can see that hard work is needed to achieve.

My son is academic and doesn't put much effort in to get the results. He gets very disillusioned when he isn't selected for the football team when he put minimal effort in.
It is quite a detailed book and I don't think I am explaining very well.

I do sympathise as I moved my son to a new country and things have got worse for him.

Still one small step at a time. Good luck

Original poster

PuppyDogTails · 02/03/2008 20:06

EmmyLou you may have hit on one of the problems we have - we have no idea whether her behaviour is actually just par for the course for an 11 year old and actually we are worrying over nothing! We have no context to put it in, we saw her relatively regularly before she moved in with us but not enough to really understand her.

The life skills point is a good one - she has no idea about most things and is very interested in what I'm cooking. Perhaps I should get her involved more.

I'll have a look for your book Shout - looks useful. She is academically very good but gets incredibly stressed about homework and is often convinced she isn't able to do it (when clearly she is).

Small steps indeed , we just want her to be happy.

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Nessamommy · 03/03/2008 04:56

Hi puppydogtails! You said that she just recently came to live with you...I don't know the circumstances but maybe the reasoning for that could pose some burden on her as well. Children don't seem to like change too much. She might just be settling into her new position with you guys.

Original poster

PuppyDogTails · 03/03/2008 12:28

She chose to come and live with us as she was getting on so badly with her mum and stepdad so it has been a lot of change for her. DS was born just after she arrived so she's had to adjust to that too. We just want to make sure that we are helping her settle, don't want to be inadvertently doing/saying things that might be unsettling her, especially in the heat of an argument!

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Youcannotbeserious · 03/03/2008 12:33

Poor little kid. Sounds she has a lot on her mind!

Just give her a bit of time, and let her know that you love her.

Is she getting a consistent message from her mum, do you know? She might feel, because she's asked to come and live with you that her mum doesn't love her?

I'd let her get involved in anything that she shows an interest in - especially cooking!

I'm sure she'll thrive once she settles in.

Original poster

PuppyDogTails · 03/03/2008 17:42

YCBS I have no idea what kind of message her mum is giving out, she has only made the effort to see her once in the last 6 months and she hardly ever calls her. Having DS I can't understand how a mother would not want to make every effort to be close to her child, but then everyone's different. As you suggested, I'm just hoping that by making her realise how much we love her and want her to live with us, it will make her feel better about herself and ultimately be really happy. My friends have commented that she already seems calmer and more content than when she arrived with us.

Getting her cooking is a really good suggestion, it's a useful one too, perhaps I'll get her making cakes .

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OliviaJournalist · 03/03/2008 18:18

Message deleted

Youcannotbeserious · 03/03/2008 18:22

I'm afraid I think you are going to have to take baby steps, just to see what's normal behaviour for her, and what you can help with......

Obviously, these are just some ideas but The Duke of Edingburgh awards are really good fun if she's outdoory at all.

Dog walking can also be really fun for kids if you don't have a dog (not sure if you do or don't) The Blue Cross can sort out a suitable sdog that needs walking once a week. It's pretty fulfilling, seeing that dog each time you go (they get to know you pretty fast!) but of course, you may not want to take the risk of her becoming attached to a dog that may then be rehomed?

There are also schemes for penpals... I don't know much about them, but my younger DSD has one, and I know parental consent was required, so I'm pretty sure it's a pucker scheme....

You could also get a memory book, and see if she shows any interest in keeping it up to date?

Failing that, if she's creative, Hobby Craft is GREAT!! You can make cards and decorations - every thing really!

I'm afraid I'm no expert, but my elder DSD had a pretty hard time of it between about 8-10. She's 13YO now and enormously happy in her school, with her friends etc., so maybe it's just a phase?

LittleBella · 03/03/2008 18:47

I would recommend you give the charity Young Minds a call. Here's the link young minds. Don't be put off by the fact that it talks about mental health, low self-esteem is at the root of so many things like depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc. in adulthood, and if you can address your DSD's low self-esteem now while she's still a child, you'll be launching a pre-emptive strike and doing her a massive favour by tackling any issues before she hits the terrible teens. They are brilliant about giving really practical tips and advice, I phoned for my DS and after about a 40 minute telephone conversation with one of the counsellors, I put the tips into practice and have noticed a huge difference in my DS's self-confidence.

Original poster

PuppyDogTails · 05/03/2008 07:54

Thanks all for your suggestions, I really appreciate it. I will give Young Minds a call, I have looked on their website. I have just noticed that a Pilates class has started in the local community centre which I fancy going to and I might see whether she's not too young. It should be good for her all round.

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