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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Disagreeing parents

25 replies

Kathrynrt · 01/03/2008 21:19

I'm just wondering if there is anyone else who has different views from their other half on how to discipline your children.

My DH isn't the most patient of people and with a 3yo DS I think patience is very important, however our ds struggles with his behaviour at the dinner table and the other day his table manners were exceptionally bad and he was also refusing to eat his dinner.

My opinion was to ignore the behaviour and try to continue table conversation with dh but dh insisted he get down from table and go to room without finishing his dinner.

I was fine to ban snacks because he didn't eat his dinner and was about to cook tea when dh said that ds wasn't allowed tea because dinner wasn't eaten.

It drove me mad a ds was so hungry and upset that he couldn't have tea....isn't dh being exceptionally harsh? how do you deal with keeping a united front in front of the kids when you really don't agree....?

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Lizzylou · 01/03/2008 21:26

OOh, I think he was harsh, banning snacks yes, but the next meal???!!!

I would speak to him when your DS has gone to bed and try and agree some rules, but I would say that witholding meals isn't a punishment.

BTW, whenever myself and DH disagree about parenting I just trump him the old " But I carried them for 9 mths and the had hideous births, stitches and a sink plunger shoved up my front bum. Now, when should we get you your vasectomy booked?" My She-ra like courage coupled with his cowardice over having his nether regons messed with means I usually get my way

Lizzylou · 01/03/2008 21:27

Apologies over crap typing...white wine night

fingerwoman · 01/03/2008 21:27

hmm well I have to admit that bad table manners don't go down well in our house. and if ds (also 3) refuses to eat then he does have to get down frm the table.

but banning tea, becaus he didn't eat dinner is ridiculous. your ds will not associate his behavious at dinner time with not being allowed tea. that's really not on. poor thing

you need to present a united front as well. you have to talk with dh and decide exactly what you will both do if he pplays around or doesn't eat.

PrincessHunker · 01/03/2008 21:27

That's cruel - poor DS.

Why is your DH the boss of you? Making them miss meals as punishment? No.

PrincessHunker · 01/03/2008 21:29

DH and I have disagreed in the past over things. He is of the opinion now that if I say something's got to happen a certain way, I will have Excellent Reasons with which I will bore him at length if he disagrees. Works a treat.

hotbot · 01/03/2008 21:29

sorry, its very difficult isnt it. dh and i agree on how to bring up dd ,BUT he always finds it difficult to follow thru.
eg no we dont give in to tantrums - dd yells for yoghurt, dh gives her it - so thoughtless, and he thought her tantrum was bad til mine started
im poss all wrong about this as i only have dd who is 16mths but if your ds was unhsppy at the table and wasnt eating surely the best thing is to remove him and he cant have been that hungry of he wasnt eatin non?

hotbot · 01/03/2008 21:31

oops should read op better, too harsh to ban tea, afraid i wouldnt have cooked for dh and banned him from eating too,,,,,,

Original poster

Kathrynrt · 01/03/2008 21:31

I agree that witholding meals isn't a punishment. To me that's just plain torture I was almost in tears. I will definitely try the vasectomy trick!!

Flippin husbands and their high and mighty stance. I just wanted confirmation that I was right to think that stopping dinners is just NOT right!

It's white wine night for me to, it's starting to haze my head now!!! enjoy

OP posts:

PrincessHunker · 01/03/2008 21:34

Kathryn, seriously, why did DH have the final say over DS not having his tea? Did DS eat anything before he went to bed?

Lizzylou · 01/03/2008 21:36

K, he's your child too and withholding meals is far too cruel for a 3 year old.

You need to stand up to your DH and let him know he was waaay wrong

Miggsie · 01/03/2008 21:37

DH and I don't disagree in front of each other BUT if either of us makes a discipline descision the other disagrees with it is discussed after DD is in bed.

Men can be and want to be much tougher on kids and expect adult type behaviour from young children. This is tough on a little child who normally reacts by becoming worse.

Discuss a consistent approach with DH and, in the case of food, offer the same healthy options all the time. Missing meals is harsh IMO... but saying that, DD does not get puddings and no choccies unless fruit and veg has been consumed previously during the day.

Most 3 years old boys have poor table manners (by adult standards) and I agree with your approach in this particular instance.

Talk it through with your husband and agree a consistent approach which you both feel is fair. And point out a child going to bed hungry is a recipie for night time waking and early rising in a bad mood (I've been there).

Perhaps if this happens again he is allowed his tea but it has to be eaten at the table.

Hope this helps.

Original poster

Kathrynrt · 01/03/2008 21:38

I did ensure that he had a large cup of milk and a yogurt, I snook it up to his room.

That of course made me feel like ds would learn that he can create a scene and mom will just give in, but I agree with you all skipping meals isn't right.

It's trying to balance the united front in front of the children that I'm finding difficult. DH is quite old fashioned in his parenting views.

Have had words with him but things don't seem to be changing as quickly as he said he would try to do.

OP posts:

colditz · 01/03/2008 21:40

You cannot make a 3 year old toddler miss a fucking meal as a discipline method. It's abusive.

FairyMum · 01/03/2008 21:42

Nice enjoyable mealtimes = good table manners and trying new foods. Create stress like your DH seems to do and mealtimes could always be a struggle. So what if a 3 year-old doesn't have exceptional table manners. How bad are they? Mine had most of the their food in their hair at that age, but I ignored it and now they are fine. I could take them to the IVY and they would be fine!

colditz · 01/03/2008 21:44

no, sweetheart, what you've done by allowing your husband to withhold nourishment from your child is teach your husband that his behavior is justified and correct.

milk and a yoghurt? [Hmm], I'm sure he'll be grateful at 3am when the hunger pangs are wracking his poor little stomach

You are not allowed to do this to prisoners. Don't allow it to happen to innocent little children. Don't let your husband use abusive methods to discipline your children, please.

PrincessHunker · 01/03/2008 21:47

Is your DH like this in other areas of your lives? Do you often sneak around about things? Please nip it in the bud now - it's a very damaging way to live.

ScruffyTeddy · 01/03/2008 22:02

You cant deny meals (I know its not you).

Ds went through a very bad phase with meals, wouldnt eat or would spit food into the middle of his dinner so he couldn't eat it.

HV was harsh (lovely lady, was actually seeing me for dd but I mentioned it to her).

She said, give him the meal..instead of waiting an hour and a half for him to eat it, give him 30 mins, if he does not eat take the plate away and throw it in the bin.

I felt cruel, but it worked. I didn't withold meals but if they werent eaten, into the bin they went.

colditz · 01/03/2008 22:04

I still can't believe your husband would have had that poor child have nothing from lunch until breakfast the next day! A prison warder doing that would be sacked!

seriously, you need to address this, you need to address the idea that abusive discipline methods are appropriate for toddlers, or what will your husband be doing to your poor little boy when he's older, bullwhipping him?

ScruffyTeddy · 01/03/2008 22:04

It was less than a week btw before he started eating properly.

Kindersurpise · 01/03/2008 22:10

I agree with everyone else, withholding tea because dinner was not eaten is cruel and unreasonable.

It is also quite worrying that you were not able to go against your DH and insist that your DS go to bed without tea.

My DD is almost 6yo and still takes ages to eat. DS is 3yo and eats well till he has had enough, then plays with his food. At the moment we are trying to instill better table manners, from the age of 3-4 I think this is doable.

But, you cannot expect him to learn good table manners if he is banned from the table. Your way was right, ignore bad behaviour, if it is really bad then he misses the rest of that meal, but the next meal is a clean slate.

Original poster

Kathrynrt · 01/03/2008 22:11

Thanks scruffy...that's constructive advice and I'll give that a go.

Colditz I get the message that you are unhappy with my husbands behaviour...as I have said I didn't and don't agree with it and I can tell you that I don't allow my son to starve regardless of what you think. I have had words about the way he treats our son. I was asking for constructive advice on how to deal with differing opinions not various posts of what seem like verbal abuse against me....I can't believe you are the perfect parent as most people are not, in fact I don't know anyone who is IMO.

OP posts:

colditz · 01/03/2008 22:19

No I'm not a perfect parent.

I have never even bothered pretending to be, anyone who has read my posts can see that I am not.

But Jesus, read your posts back to yourself.

Your 3 year old is being treated like a prisoner of war by your husband.

You don't need tips on how to handle the 3 year old, it's normal 3 year old behavior, it's your husband's behavior that is abnormal.

withholding food for poor table manners from a 3 year old little boy is abusive, and your husband was all prepared to do it, and until you sneaked yoghurt to your child, he had done it. You've let him think it's ok to treat a three year old like this.

colditz · 01/03/2008 22:20

Differing opinions is when you think his table manners are not a problem, and your husband thinks they need to be punished.

It's not a differing opinion when your husband is treating your toddler like a dog.

controlfreakyagain · 01/03/2008 22:23

My dh wouldnt treat a dog like that! cos i'd have something to say about it....

Kindersurpise · 01/03/2008 22:24

Kathryn
Constructive advice on how to handle your DH then.

Can you get a babysitter for the evening and go out for a drink? You need to talk on "neutral ground" and be honest with him about your feelings. He has old fashioned views on parenting. Were his parents very strict?

Parenting styles have changes a lot in the past 20 - 30 years.

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