5 yr old grandson driving his mum nuts

[Cabbage39]

We have a family messenger chat group, and my daughter posted the below this afternoon, and would really appreciate any advice to give her - she has tried all the things we have suggested and is getting nowhere. He is due to start year 1 in September and she is already worried about how he will behave there. Any super nanny style tips appreciated!

"I’m losing my marbles with (5 year old son) guys, his behaviour has been so bad at holiday club that parents have called to complain specifically about him and today he has been officially kicked out of holiday club, something that they haven’t had to do before apparently. He is very impulsive and hits out intentionally, and sometimes not intentionally, but apparently now he has been saying a lot of swear words (something he had NEVER done at home), when the teacher said to him ‘if you carry on swearing you won’t be allowed to come back’, and he laughed and said ‘yes I will be coming back’….for a while now he has been banned from his tablet, from YouTube, been going to bed early, not allowed juice only water, and everything I can possibly take away I have, he doesn’t care about time out time and I have been taking (2 year old sister) out to have fun and left him at home with his dad so he can think about his behaviour, but he does not care about consequences….any advice please I don’t know what else to do with him."

(sorry about the silly user name - I set this up many many years ago when I was younger and sillier!)

She has just taken the advice of great grandparents on the family chat who said to take him to the soft play area with his sister, explaining to him has to sit with his dad while she plays because of xxx behaviour, to show him what he is missing rather than just leave him at home and he doesn’t really see the consequences of actions up close. My daughter also said the below. I understand about showing him by making him sit in the soft play and not be allowed to play, but it does make my heart hurt a little bit for him - am I just to soft?

I took him to the doctors before and they wanted him tested for ADHD but they can’t do it till he turns 6 but he is on the list to be tested as soon as his turns of age. I think I will take him to the schools behavioural specialist when he goes back to school, he was so well behaved when you (great grandparents) came down it’s such a shame that he is behaving like this again because it just shows that he knows how to be good, and what is right and wrong behaviour, he just CHOOSES to do with wrong things

Spoke to my daughter at length last night, and we decided the carrot and stick approach is not good if he is never good enough to get the carrot and only end up with just stick, so it were. She has decided on super praise for ANYTHING he does well/behaves well/just plain listens to her, and the odd brief reinstatement of ipad/YouTube just to dangle the proverbial carrot.

Also, to learn about consequences, she will get a small jar and fill it with sweets on a Saturday morning, tell him the jar is his to eat after swimming lessons on a Friday no matter what he has or hasn't done that week. But every time he misbehaves during the week one sweet will be taken out and binned, so what he gets is totally up to him. She will do this consistently every week and see if he is able to earn himself more sweets each week as he (hopefully) learns that he can help himself in the long run by behaving a bit better. We hope. What do you think?

Our behavioral therapist emphasizes with the kids about choices. So kiddo calls a name and throws, we ignore and walk away and then when she has politely asked for our attention we praise that a lot but say simply and clearly, throwing toys is not how you get my attention. I expect you to make a different choice next time. Can you tell me two different choices you could make?

And then do that every single time they do the behaviors you are trying to stop. It is tiring but it does work. However you need to give it a good month of that, or whatever strategy you’re trying before trying something new.

So no attention for bad behavior, lots of attention for good behavior, consistent follow up on the bad behavior ONLY after the good behavior has happened and then discussion/repetition of good choices. Simple language, do not get drawn into long discussions.

How is he in school @Cabbage39? Have they mentioned any concerns?

I'd suggest your DD speaks to her HV and tells them that she's struggling and ask her to do the Ages & Stages 5 year Social & Emotional Assessment.

I agree carrot only works if they can get the carrot.

Can she use sticker charts? So break up the day into 30min slots (or even 15min) and for every well behaved slot he gets a sticker. Set a target for number in the day or evening morning/afternoon/evening that is achievable and if he reaches the target he gets a small reward - toy car, pokemon card, whatever.

Praise praise praise, but not just 'you've been good', but 'I really liked how you sat on your chair for your snack'.

If it is 'just' pushing boundaries that will hopefully help. If he is trying to be good but impulsive then it might make that clearer.

And lots of exercise!

And lots of exercise

Agree with this. Hockey and Football season is about to start so see if there's a club locally that he can start.

Get him out every day, preferably twice.

Has your DD read The Explosive Childd*? It might help