Help - my 2.11 year old keeps hitting my 20 month old - I am at my wits end

[TheMadHouse]

Please please help me.

My 2.11 DS1 keeps hiting or bashing as he calls it my 20 month old DS2. It is tearing me apart and I do not know how to deal with it .

I have tried time out, telling him it is wrong nad unaceptable and removeing him, but he just comes back and does it again and laughs at me.

I do not want to smack him, as I believe behaviour breeds behaviour and what message am I passing on it I hit.

Please help

Am I the only one on here that's DC's hit each other then?

Come on give me your advice

Hi

Dont have any real advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My 2.5 year old DS also constantly hits my 10 month old DS2. This morning DS2 was hit over the head with a toy for no reason whatsoever.

We have also tried time outs, ignoring, making him say sorry etc but noting realy seems to be working. I am just going to be persisting with time outs and hope that he gets the message.

How does your 20 month old react when hes hit? I worry that when DS2 is old enough hes going to think its ok to hit back.

hit him back

see how he likes it

AllGoneBellyUp - glad to see you read my origional post - I do not want to snack him or hit him.

TheMags - at the moment DS2 cries but I can see him going to relatiate soon

TMH thanks for starting this thread.

My DD 4.5 has always had aggresion problems as a result of speech and development delay. Her language is 1 yr behind and her comprehension and some behaviour is 18mnths behind i.e. about 2.11, she also has 'personal space' issues.

My DS is 16mnths and is reachign the 'terrible 2's' he is therefore learnign the scratching,biting and pullign DD's hair, which gets an instant reaction from DD of tears even for the slightest touch.

My problem is how to stop DS and DD scratching/ biting & DS learning that biting etc. is the best way of getting attention.

Like TMH I don't like smacking as being aggresive as a punishment for being aggresive?

Any more ideas?

I can not believe that the only advice I have been offered is to "smack him and see if he likes it".

Does anyone have a more balanced idea please

I have no experience of this, yet, (dd is 3.8 and ds is 10 months so i'm sure it will come up) but when dd has friends here and they fight/hit/pull hair etc I send her to her room. When she has calmed down or after a few mintues i go up and see her. I get her to tell me why I sent her to her room. I did the explaining to her for a while but had little effect. IMO getting them to apologise has little effect either as it becomes a word with no meaning.

Now dd tells me why I got cross and why she was sent to her room. Then 9 times out of 10 she will come back downstairs and apologise to whoever was hit and gives them a cuddle.

I know your ds maybe a little too young for that yet, but thought i'd tell you my way of doing things anyway

i would do time out every time he does it remove him to a quiet area and say no hitting

then after a min bring him back and praise all good behaviour no matter how small your playing nicely etc

when hits again just remove straight away and keep playing with other dc

just remember to praise every bit of good behaviour your playing so nicely with your brother what a big boy you are

tell him if he behaves you will do something together see if you can do a bit of one on one

it sounds like his jealous and after your attention

if he knows he gets it more when good he should stop

but just try to give him some mummy and me time as i call it and praise him alot they thrive on it

good luck

My dd (2.5) and my ds (5) are constnatly at each others throats.

When they start I give them one warning, if they carry on I separate them and make them play by themselves.

I also remove all attention from the child who is doing the winding up/smacking etc. Most recently I have started taking toys away.

YOu have to have eyes in the back of your bloody head.
Believe me I know how hard it can be!

oh and the other thing I tried was taking away a favourite toy. Dd did go through a phase of hitting people with whatever was in her hand. The offending item was taken straight away and was put in a cupboard.

I think at this age they respond better to material things being taken away. Just for a short while and when they've been good for a while you give the item back and tell them you've been good because you did x,y,z and therefore you can have this back. I also get dd to explain why i took it away in the first place and say you didn't like me taking away x and I didn't like you hitting me with it.

I suggest giving the older child your undivided attention for an hour a day (eg during baby's naptime or after dh home from work) playing with him, reading or doing some fun thing.

At the same time, always re-inforce that hitting is not acceptable but give your attention to the victim rather than the perpetrator as far as possible.

Thanks for the tips. I do spend undivided attention with DS1 when DS2 is asleep. We bake, do crafts, read or just cuddle and play.

I will try the removing a fav toy.

Oh God, we have this too. Sometimes my palm itches to box DS's ears because I get so frustrated that I cannot leave them alone for one minute without him hitting DD, leaning on her, headbutting her, rolling on her. It wears you down, it really does.

I tried star charts (boy, that didn't work - he just went loopy once he'd acquired a star), time out for 2 mins, shouting, screaming, crying. And none of it worked.

I then re-read 'How to Talk'. Since then, we still have bad hours (usually prompted by tiredness/hunger), but we haven't had a full day of hitting/nagging. I think what the book does is help you to get into their heads better - if DS is being treated 'well' then he has less reason to be angry with DD. And if he's getting nice attention then he's less inclined to provoke the unpleasant kind.

I have also had Toddler Taming recommended to me by a friend who had this exact same problem with her DCs. She's lending it to me and I'll do an update once I've read it. I have to say that I'm not overly impressed with the title - DS can be a little wild at times, but I don't actually want to tame him - I just want him to stop being mean to his sister!

He did have a day when he pushed twice at a smaller child that we're friendly with. I have knocked that on the head by telling him that if I ever see him pushing/hitting a smaller child again, I shall just take him straight home where there will be no telly and no engines. I always follow through and he knows that so we've had no repeats yet. If we do, then I will stick to the threat.

FWIW, I think it's absolutely inevitable that DD will hit him back when she's big enough, and from what I've seen of younger siblings generally, I suspect she'll also hit other children. I am really not looking forward to that and hope that my policy of leaving immediately once there's been an incident will solve the problem.

Sorry about the essay - this has been a big problem and worry for us and I know it's still an ongoing task (we had a couple of incidents last night) but things are a lot better than they have been.