tips on surviving play dates with territorial, dictatorial three year old.....will she ever learn to share?????

[cookiemonstress]

Hi
DD1, 3y 1m. Playdates massively stressful y because DD1 has flid every 90 seconds because someone is playing with something she wants, the lights on when it should be off, dolly dress is wrong colour etc, etc. She literally lies on everything she get and will shout 'it's mine' I know sharing comes in time but her contemporaries are starting to get hang of taking in turns whilst my dd1 is still always on the rampage and she doesn't seem to be any better at playing with them from when she was just two. The irony is that she has no attachment to any of toys and doesn't even want to play with them and wouldn't notice them if she was on her own (because she'd be too busy hanging off my leg and never plays on her own but that's another thread)...

Happens everywhere (park, other people's houses) but 10x worse at home. Have encouraged sharing from young age, play lots of games of taking in turns, give lots of praise when she does share, timeout when she doesn't etc. She goes to nursery 3 days a week so she is regularly exposed to having to share and take turns.. .

Am starting to dread play dates and wonder how soon it will be before one of my friends makes excuses not to get together because dd1 makes it hard work for everyone concerned. I work 4 days a week and feel I must keep certain friendships going so DD1 has some friends of her own age so our day off together is quite busy but I do try to make sure she has an opportunity to rest and she keeps the same bed and mealtimes as the rest of the week.

I don't expect perfection but we don't seem to make any progress... Is the same with everyone, cousin, friends, sister etc. She is otherwise very loving and demonstrative (she could be quite shy I think and sometimes I wonder if this is her way of dealing with it?)

Please help!

Hi cookie, please try not to worry she is still very young to understand the concept of sharing. Sound like you are doing a brilliant job to encourage her to share and I feel that is all you can do at this age. Ds 2 (age 3.8) is similar only showing an interest in his toys if other children are around.

Imagine another adult coming into your house and looking in all your drawers, using your make-up, trying all your clothes on and then driving off in your car. This is how she must feel, but believe me it will pass.

Cookie, I agree it sounds like you are doing all the right things. dd (now 6) used to be just like this and I found it very difficult, in fact it turned out it bothered me much more than any of the playdate mums and seemed much worse to me than to them. We used to take one or two 'special' toys and put them away so that noone else could play with them and let her take a special toy with her when she went out so that she would have something of her own that she didn't need to/wasn't expected to, share.

It does get easier the older they get, though I have to admit dd still now bosses all her friends around not to mention her two little brothers and tries to manipulate most situations to her advantage, as they get older they just learn to be more wily

Well at least some of these children have siblings. Ds is like this and I'm always being told it is because he doesn't have brothers and sisters [hmmm].

I am assuming it is fairly normal for 3 year olds to be like this - though it is VERY wearing.

Lazycow, you have summed it up... VEry wearing indeed. I feel I must share 'lets share/take turns' 840 times a day. I feel sad sometimes because she is a lovely child but it seems that friends and their children only have see the tyrannical side to her. What I find hard to compute is that it's not actually the item that she wants but seems more a situation she wants to control. I know that's what toddlers do but it seems she is so much than my friend's children...

I have to say I go for avoidance with my 3yo when she gets like this - instead of games involving toys that can be fought over, I get them to play hide and seek (yes, they are rubbish at it, but they don't care, they think it's fantastic), running about in the garden (weather permitting), musical bumps (again, not competitively, they just like going 'bump' when the music stops and no-one is ever out!) etc.

I keep these in reserve and when a fight/tantrum looks likely go 'ooh, shall we play hide and seek? DD, you start counting, everyone else, HIDE!'

It's very normal in their own house for them to be possessive of their things. The children you want to be worried about are the ones who march into other people's houses and insist all the toys are 'mine' !