Need some advice- clingy and intense 3 year old

[fleur25]

My DS is super clingy to my DH and I need a bit of advice. Poor DH has just gone back to bed for a bit because DS was crying out in the night for him. Problem is then he's all over him and kicks etc so DH has a terrible. nights sleep. I try to help but he just always wants my DH and will scream and then that wake my DD up. I don't know if there's something else going on that's making him like this or if he's just very anxious? DH does lots with him and is a very good father so no reason to be like this with him. DH said today it's just too intense and I can totally understand why he feels that way. When he's here even if he goes outside my DS is saying where's daddy? But to the point he's panicked and getting upset. We've been away for 2 weeks and he was fine but obviously we were all together. He goes to pre school all fine. I love the bond they have and my husband thinks the world of him but he's being completely over the top with him tbh and doesn't let him move an inch at times and I want to try to break the habit for everyone's happiness

That does sound very intense and in your shoes I think I'd try and tackle the nights first.

I'm not suggesting CIO as I think that could make the separation anxiety worse but have you thought of something like The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers?

I agree it sounds very intense. I guess what I'd try to tackle first depends on how often DS has a bad night. If it's not too often, I might try the days first, in hopes that they'll make the nights a little bit easier (and reduce the risk of double jeopardy with two crying children awake). But if DH is shattered from regular bad nights, the double jeopardy might be worth it.

For the days, I would basically try little and often separations, clearly laid out for DS. 'Daddy is going outside to do X, then he will come back inside and do Y with you.' 'You, Sister, and Mummy are going to X, we'll see Daddy when we get back.' And then lots and lots of repetition. You could try the idea of a little something to press or rub when he misses Daddy (I think some people just draw a little mark on the hand/wrist), and say that Daddy will feel it and send love back to him, but he might be a bit young for that yet. Or just talking about emotions and missing people in general.

If he also only wants Daddy to do certain things for him (bedtime/bath time/getting dressed/whatever), you could try alternating – my eldest definitely understood by 3 that we alternated bedtimes, for example. It wasn't what she wanted, but once it was established, she accepted it with only brief fussing when it was not-preferred-parent's night. (We did make exceptions for things like when she was ill.)

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto thank you I'll have a look at this.

@skkyelark I think you're right about alternating bedtime. He always wants DH to do it so we just do that for the most part but that's not helping the clingyness and also not fair on DD. He might not like it to start with but he'll have to get used to it without being mean. DH travels with work and sometimes has to work long hours and he's fine with me doing bedtime then.

Ultimately I don't want DH to feel suffocated by him and I don't want DS to feel anxious, we need a bit more balance

Nights have only been bad since we got back from holiday. He was sleeping like a dream when we were away but DH was in the room with him 🙈 it's ok temporarily but me and DH would like to spend a whole night in bed together!

So he woke up in the night and wanted daddy but I took him back to bed and he didn't put up too much resistance. He's also been wanting milk when he wakes up but then obviously needs a wee which disrupts the night so I told him we'd ran out. He cried out for a few minutes but gave up pretty quickly. Also a better night as he normally wakes up when DH leaves early for work but he slept in 🙌🏻I think it's partly a bit of a power struggle as he likes to get his own way and because he kicks off and makes a fuss we give in. He sometimes goes on in the morning as well saying where's daddy but he asked me once this morning and i said he's at work and he said daddy working from home and I said not today and he said ok and went off to watch telly