How can I reassure DS (2.4yrs)?

[commanderchaos]

In the last couple of months, DS (2.4yrs) has started talking a lot about being alone. He points to pictures (in books, of himself, of other people, of animals) and says things like 'why is he on his own?'. Most of the time it's a question, and statement of fact. Sometimes, especially at bedtime when I turn out the light and he says 'time for me to be on my own' it's more negative thing. When I ask him, then, about how he feels to be on his own he says he doesn't want to be, and that he wants to be with mummy and daddy. When it's just the question, I try and answer with an explanation but at other times, I try to reassure him, saying that it's ok and even nice to be on your own, and sometimes you feel scared to be on your own, but that mummy and daddy always love him, even when he is by himself. But this seems so inadequate. He has started coming in to our bed at night, and we have decided to let him, for the reassurance. What other things can I do to reassure him? (I am 6 months pregnant, btw, which may have something to do with it).

Is he upset by being alone ,in a physical sense i mean-crying and such like? if not i shouldnt be so intense its a word he understands the meaning of if you feel you need to discourage the word then perhaps you can say u are never alone big bear/or whoever is with you and mummy is downstairs helping him understand that altho he is in bed alone ine the bedroom in the house are also you and daddy.

maybe hes using the word alone to identify being a single child and the arrival of his sibling will make him not alone any more.

I think your doing all the right things imo BUT im not entirely sure that starting a bed sharing habit now is the best idea -co sleeping is fine and fab if it works but you need sleep(and room) and a new babies sleeping and eating pattern might disturb him if he continues to bedshare....v tricky i know bit i think id be encouraging him to sleep in his own bed.

Would a small pet help him do u think? a goldfish or a cat?

maybe he could have some'special' time with daddy?

I think your natural anxiety and worry is blowing this up but rest assured this moment will pass xxx

My ds1 went through this too about the same age, I had just had his baby brother. I think they are just coming to the end of the sepration stage, when they suddenly realise they are not part of you anymore, and are alone. He's able to verbalise it more now and is just trying to make sense of it. Especially if he realises that his new sibling is still 'part' of you. I would stick to your instincts re co sleeping tbh. Although Dippydeedoo is right if you don't think you will be able to have him in your bed with the new baby, best to sort it now, not when baby is born. A normal stage I would say and sounds like you are saying all the right things to reassure him, I found giving my ds1 something of mine (a t-shirt or similar) helped and explained that I was always with him in his head, he justs has to close his eyes and think of me and I'll be there, giving him a cuddle (I still say that when he's a bit wobbley about school! He's 4!).

When we had DD and moved her into DS's room he was really pleased not to be on his own any more. I know it's sometime off but sharing a room with a brother or sister might make him happier at night.

SNOTTYSHOULDERS..(love that name} when my eldest ds started school i used to kiss his hand with my lipstick on leaving a lip print and so he knew my kisses lasted all day!....hes 14 now and still remembers it and when he looked at in the day he felt closer to me ....sadly its now my kisses hes after these day lol

now not my kisses hes after, that should read......sorry

I think it is really normal for young children to dislike being alone
it is only in some cultures (eg, ours) that they are expected to get used to this from a young age
I would carry on reassuring him and letting him have your company when he wants it
it's good for him to have a close bond with you and to want the reassurance of your presence - it is all healthy stuff about forming relationships, trust, etc, nothing to be alarmed about

Thank you for your replies. All very reassuring; I will try the lipstick and 'close your eyes and think of us' tricks. I had thought of stopping the co-sleeping thing before the new baby comes, but DS has just decided he doesn't want to wear nappies, so I thought it best to get to grips with that first...we'll see how things go when the new baby arrives. Besides, I like having a cuddle too. Thanks again.

Does he still have a listener?

With DS1 we have kept his listener and it's the type where we can talk to him as well as hear him. At night time when he settles down to sleep we can still chat if he needs anything, and I think it makes him feel whenever he's in his room that he's still with us IYSWIM.

DS1 also has a whole family of stuffed toys that he'll snuggle down with at night time and he plays with them for a little while after we leave the room.

Have you tried putting a picture of you adn DH (with or without DS) next to his bed. And also encourage him to have a snuggly of some sort (soft toy, teddy bear, blanket...) which he can use to cuddle. Sounds like you have been dealing wiht him very sensitively so far. But I woudl second the comments to beware of chnaging the sleeping arrangements too much - unless you truly want him in your bed (which is fine if that is what you want).

my first thought on reading your post was that he would love a sibling, so glad to hear that you are already pregnant. I think he is just growing up and realising that you are not always right beside him. Lots of cuddles and reassurance that you and DH are nearby is the way to go.

Ii am pregnant too, and have started telling my 2 that I will go to the hospital to have the baby soon. and DD1 (aged 3) was not too keen on that side of things. She is going through a clingy phase. I think they maybe sense a change coming, and are just trying to get reassurance that they won't be left out....