Difficult child please help!!!

[Disappearingfairy]

As soon as my daughter (just turned 4) came out of the womb she has always been full on (lots of energy/intense) and has the shortest temper. She is easily frustrated, so playing certain games she can’t master first time round,is a massive no no. She also has zero patience and I mean zero! Everything has to be done ASAP! If she asks for snacks, she will keep moaning and asking for it until you get it, no matter how many times I tell her to wait and be patient. Big queues are an absolute struggle as she just can’t wait and will have a tantrum about it so I avoid most things involving a queue (which is harder than I realised!) She’s also very talkative..to the point that if I ask her to stay quiet, she will just talk to herself or sing to herself. and don’t get me started on watching movies, we literally can’t get through a minute without 100 questions being asked. She craves constant attention and never seems to get enough even if I’m playing with her alllllll day. She doesn’t even let me talk on the phone without trying to talk to me and interrupting. I don’t think I’ve had a proper conversation with my husband for a week because she just can’t keep quiet. A few other things I’ve noticed is that she doesn’t like her clothes getting wet and will want to change it immediately. She’s always hated having her hair washed and rinsed since she was a baby and so bath time for us is a nightmare. Socially, she’s confident and will always been keen to make friends with other children but she does gets so close to their faces and that puts the other children off..and it breaks my heart because I can see how much she wants to be friends.
Is all of this typical behaviour for an almost 4 year old?

Is all of this typical behaviour for an almost 4 year old?

I'd say no. Sounds like the clothes thing could be a sensory issue, she seems to lack social cues which more of her peers will be understanding at 4 and she seems to lack any impulse control.

Their frontal lobes are obviously not developed at 4 but she should be able to wait in a short queue without having a meltdown as at 4 they are just beginning to accept delayed gratification.

Is she in Nursery? What do they think of her behaviour?

How is her speech and language? There's a useful SLT progress checker here

Thank you for your reply! It’s greatly appreciated. She will be starting reception this September. Her nursery teachers had no concerns at all which I found amazing to be honest and baffling at the same time…they say overall she behaves well and is kind to her peers. Not sure what to think anymore or what to do :(

What did the progress checker say?

You answered “yes” to the important questions about your child’s communication skills. This means that things are on the right track for you and your child

i would go as far to say that she’s actually quite advanced in terms of speech and language and I know that the understanding is there..I feel so lost

It's really good that her speech and language are both on track.

I'd go with your gut feeling on this one. If you think she's out of step with her peers and may have a sensory issue, I'd call the HV and ask them to assess her using the Ages & Stages Assessment Tool.

I have a daughter the same age, and I would agree that this would seem a little out of ordinary amongst her friends. A certain amount of difficulty waiting in queues, pestering for snacks, interrupting – yes, absolutely, but a bit of waiting is usually manageable (less so if tired and hungry, of course). Similarly, generally there's some independent play or playing with friends whilst the adults talk (some, not as much as the adults might like). Patience is variable! Some days, no, if it's not working at the first attempt, best to move on. On the other hand, many have shown a certain amount of perseverance in doing jigsaw puzzles, learning to ride a bike or write their name, etc.

I would also say that watching my daughter and her friends together, the getting so close the other child is uncomfortable would also be noticeable. Does your daughter have specific friends from nursery? They're not particularly deep friendships at this age, but most seem to have some favoured playmates. Do you ever meet any nursery friends at the park or playdates and see how she interacts with children she knows?

I'd agree with talking to the HV and the ASQ is always a good first step. I think I'd be sure to highlight your specific concerns around sensory things, patience/waiting, and picking up social cues (constant talking, getting so close to people it puts them off). The Social-Emotional ASQ might capture it a bit more (https://www.socfc.org/SOHS/Disabilities%20Mental%20Health/ASQ/ASQ%20SE%2048%20Months.pdf).

Some of the things you have mentioned stands out to me. I have a 4yo boy and his child therapist and OT said he has sensory issues. he has proprioceptive and vestibular challenges which explains a lot of his behaviour when I researched more. For a few years I've always found his behaviour quite puzzling as there was something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Btw he isn't asd.