how can you explain death and funerals to a 3yo?

[mrsshackleton]

My dh's grandmother has died aged 90 and the funeral is next week. We've been asked to bring the dds - the younger is nine months and won't have a clue what's going on but the elder is just turned 3 and is going to want to know what is going on, why granny is so sad etc? Any advice on what to tell her? thank you!

Such a hard time for them. My father in law passed in Sept and to be honest I made such a bad job of it with my DS4. Kept telling him he had to be a good boy because nanny and daddy were very sad and missing grandad. About 3 days later he got upset, asked "can I be sad and miss grandad too?" I never thought I had to tell he he was allowed to grieve. To be honest, Im really unsure about DC going to funeral. Took DC to wake but couldnt expect them to behave in church. For them, grandad is in heaven playing with the angels. Only last week DS came out with "I hope there are children in heaven so grandad isnt lonely and has someone to do jigsaws with". Take a look on death/berevement thread x

Can i suggest you contact Winstons Wish? They are BRILLIANT! They specialise in dealing with child bereavment and have an excellent booklist to help you too.......
www.winstonswish.org.uk/
or this book is very good
www.amazon.co.uk/Miss-You-First-Death-Books/dp/0764117645/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=120412 8668&sr=8-1
I have sadly had a lot of dealings with Winstons Wish with my son because in the last seven years he has lost his dad, grandad and male carer, the book was recommended to me by the local childrens hospice, and i passed my copy onto a friend who had a young son with a bereavement and she found it useful too.

So sorry to hear you've both had such a tough time - my dd1 didn't really know her great grandmother at all well, so that is not an issue but we will have to explain why her granny is so sad and what we are all doing. I shall look at the winstons wish site and see if it offers any suggestions. thank you

this thread could be helpfull

Have been in similar situation and they speak a lot of sense

In my experience young children take most things in their stride and are not as disturbed by death in the family as perhaps older children might be. If you just tell them what's happening, in a matter of fact sort of way, children usually accept it.

Be prepared for questions. My advice, whatever age the child, would be to answer questions as honestly as you can and don't use phrases like 'grandma's gone to heaven' unless you actually believe it yourself.

I agree with plumb that taking tiny children to a funeral may not be a good idea though.

We have had a couple of people we know die recently and with dd 4 I was honest just told her probably quite bluntly actually that this person had died and that it made us all sad. I then went on to answer questions as she asked them. I was wary of giving her too much information or not enough so let myself be led by her. I was at a funeral just over a week ago and when she asked what a funeral was etc I told her again without too much detail.

I have to agree though that I am not sure that it is a great idea to take young children to a funeral especially to someone that they were not particularly close to. IT can be a bit much for them to take in and can be quite upsetting to see the people they know and love and look up to as the strong adults crying and being upset and it is a lot to ask of a child to behave and may add extra stress onto everyones day.

At 3 they don't quite have the concept of the finality of death yet so it may be worth mentioning it when you discuss it and explain that is what makes people sad.

Thanks again - I'm with you in that ideally I wouldn't take dds to the funeral but we have no childcare that day and in any case my mil is adamant she wants them there. All the other great grandchildren will be there so they'll be surrounded by little ones, my dh and I won't be upset as I barely knew his grandmother and he is just relieved that she is out of pain after a nasty short cancer. Granny will be sad but I think we'll just make sure we don't sit near her during the service. Since children have been requested I'm not worried about them behaving perfectly, I think it would be an entirely different matter if I was wanting to bring them against others' wishes (as in some recent wedding threads or if dh or I were going to be crying. It's more the question of helping dd1 understand what's going on in the gentlest possible way. Will look at that other thread, it sounds very useful.

Hi
i have had some experience of this recently as DH is a firefighter and we live near Alcester and Stratford. DH knew 2 of the firefighters that lost their lives in the warehouse fire last year.

I asked DS nursery not to talk about it in front of DS but someone did so he got v worried and asked when daddy was going to die.
I rang the fire service benevolent fund who have specialist child counsellors. I was told that a child under 7 or 8 cant understand the concept of death. The change ocurs when they stop beliving in fairy tales/ Santa etc.
We were told not to tell DS that the firefighters had gone to heaven as DS would feel abandoned and not understand why they could not come back.
Most importantly we were told not to lie even if it was easier. So the answer to "is daddy going to die" is "yes, at some time but dayy is very careful at work and all his friends look after him".
It was a diffiucult time and I think death is always awful. You are so upset yourself and that is bound to be picked up by little ones.
Sorry for the waffle but I hope that this helps someone!
Take care
Amanda