Rant: I don't know where to post this but I just need to talk to someone because I have no one and I'm not seeing my therapist this week.
I just feel like I can't get the hang of this mom thing. I have 3 children, 5 and under. My oldest 2 boys have some disorders I think I'm responsible for. I asked for their progress reports in occupational and speech therapy because I am putting them in school. I knew my 4 year old would need special education but I'm worried about my 5 year old now as well. He was diagnosed with mixed receptive expressive language disorder and frontal lobe and executive function deficit. I was not prepared for something so severe. I thought he was a little speech delayed.
Although I wanted to get him the help he needed. It was sobering to see the consquences of my actions. I've suffered very bad bouts of depression since I had my first and I didn't know how hard it was to care for children and all they require but I did my best to ensure they were happy. For the most part my children were never hurt or sick until I let them fall. My oldest fell off the counter once. I took him to the hospital and her was fine. My second oldest fell off the bed mutliple times and a few other bad ones because I think if not for the first few he's taken, he would consider the risk. But because of his sensory processing disorder he doesn't. I just thought he was going to be ok but I don't think he will.
I fear I ruined my children's future. I just can't manage them and I want to at least give them a good start to be able to care for themselves after when I die. I really do try my best and will continue to but I feel so lost. I don't know how to figure it out. I know progress doesn't happen over night but it's been six years of struggling. They don't go to bed at a decent time, they don't want to eat, they didn't want to get up. Hell I don't want to get up. We are always rushing to our appointments. I can't catch a break and its just alot.