toddler tantrums - please come here and tell me how you would've handled ds this afternoon (long, sorry)

[deaconblue]

Lovely sunny afternoon so I took ds (22 months) to the park. Please give me some suggestions of how I could've handled him better:

he wants a go on a child's scooter
me: no, that's not your scooter. Lets have a go on the car (distract distract to no avail)
ds: lays on mud, face down screaming
me: lets go and see the birds (and more distraction) then pick him up and carry him screaming to the bird cages.

ds: gets a grip and enjoys looking at birds
me: ooh look ds a doggy
ds: lays on mud and screams
me: had enough, feel like crying, tell him we're going home and carry him kicking and screaming to the car.

I know this isn't really terrible behaviour but these strops are increasing in frequency and clearly my methods aren't working. Any advice gratefully receieved.

Don't worry too much if the soft talking thing doesn't work though. When my ds went off into a red mist like that there was nothing I could do but wait it out till he calmed down. And I tried everything under the sun! In the end I would just tune my brain into a memory of a beach dh and I went to on honeymoon - all white sand and palm trees, and mentally 'sit' there until the storm passed.
He will gradually become more reasonable as he gets older and learns to manage his emotions a bit, but it is hard work, doubly so when you are pregnant, so big yourself up a bit for coping so well.
It is a phase, it will pass. Ds is now 4.10 and is Mummys Little Helper!

The Tanya Byron book I've been reading says that they need to be able to experience tantrums in order to learn how to deal with anger themselves and it's the parent's job to guide them through it. Makes sense to me and I think the beach visualisation will help me with ignoring it.

I find the rage often turns into sadness and it's at that point I feel able (and they feel ready) to hug.

I love Tanya Byron.

My newly turned three year old was saying loudly in the street today, 'I LOVE you mummy'. 'Aw thanks' I said, dewy eyed and slightly pink as another mum looked on impressed. The immediately, with the same intonation, 'I HATE you mum'.
(He has three older siblings. Can you tell?)

You did deal with it. You dealt with it well. There is no way of preventing stroppy behavior, only ways of managing it. Please don't pressure yourself to have a 'time limit' on it - cos I'm afraid the chances are it will actually get worse, not better, when the baby arrives.

I would totally agree with what spidermama said. It does depend on your LOs temper as to what will work. Whispering works with some but with others with a huge temper it can make things worse. Sounds like your DS is quite even tempered naturally so hopefully will work for you but if not don't dispair.

My DD2 has tantrums which, until two weeks ago, were lasting 40 mins each - she has had 5-8 per day since she was 9 months so I have had lots of practice with tanturms now I guess. I really think ignoring them is the best way to go, sometimes you just can't keep trying to divert their attention IMO, sometimes they just want to have a good scream (I know the feeling ). When DD2 goes off on one, I cannot get through to her, then there is this sudden change during the tantrum (it is like a sadness) and she needs cuddles - until that point it's best to keep well away and make sure she can't hurt herself on anything nearby.

The ability to ignore the tantrum comes with practice. btw, he may not get worse when the baby is born. My DD1 got better when DD2 was born, much of her temper was down to anxiety of what was to come I think and when DD2 arrived she had a lot of relief. I'm expecting DC3 in May and DD2 is definitely aware of what is going on despite only being 22 months.

Goodness bigbadmouse they are LONG tantrums, I feel like I have it easy in comparison as although he seems to have several a day they are relatively short lived. Thank you to everyone who posted here, I felt quite despondant when I started the thread and convinced I was getting it wrong. This morning it feels like a fairly normal thing for a toddler that I can cope with.

I know the feeling of judgemental 'looker oners!' Ds 1 screamed his way round a supermarket one time as grandma let him haev grapes whereas I don;t, queue 'I WANT GRAPES, I WANT GRAPES!' at the top of a toddlers foghorn voice. What i did was to acknowledge his anger (he was puce with rage) @I know you are angry with what mummy said but we have to pay for them first, once we have paid then you can have a grape' Sometimes distraction doesn't work, somethimes it does. I like the whispering idea as you are then diffusing the situation. I would say though, whatever you do at any given time STICK TO IT as they are looking for the chinks in your armour. Talk through with dp/dh to come up with a 'what we do when lo tantrums' then you will both be singing from the same hymn sheet and this also helps in the long run.

You're doing a fab job

how much does he communicate using words and how much can he truly understand do you think? with ds it helped at that age to get down to his level, look him in the eye and ask him to find a word to tell me what he wanted to say. Or if not, to try and explain to him how I thought he was feeling "are you scared of the dog?" or "I know you really want to go on the scooter" it usually helped him to know I understood even if he didn't like what I was going to say next!
But I think you handled it really well, and anyone who had seen the two of you would have nodded in recognition!

Have nothing to add to the great advice you have already had, but had to lol at "see soon slide" - ds1 is 2.5 and his tantrums often go "WWAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAOOOoooooh look teddy bear!!"

he has hundreds of individual words but isn't at the stage of putting sentences together yet. I think he understands everything I say though and I do ask him lots of questions and try to explain stuff. Much better day today, I think part of the problem yesterday was a morning at nursery. He loves it but is always extra grumpy/tired afterwards

That's funny, Muppet girl - we always eat things in the queue, I just make sure the packet doesn't get ripped in the bar code area so we can pay for the items no problem - noone ever seems to mind

And to the op: sometimes there comes a moment when a small child and parent are in a sufficient state that the best thing is to just leave the situation with the kicking and screaming. I think we've all been there.

I think we minimise those situations the more we manage to help them explore the things they want to explore in a safe way, so they become more and more trusting that we are trying to help them always, but that sometimes we just can't, because we can't actually reach the moon for them.

In the original situation, I'd have explored the scooter with my child, got right down to their level, find out who it belnogs to, see if they'll ride on it to show us, see if they'll allow us to touch it or even ride on it, being really proactive in trying to help my child explore this thing while also modelling respect for other people's property.

Oh poor you - no wonder the shopping bags under your eyes!
My ds is doing this at the mo (24 months) - he has issues with going home having been out. He sits on the floor and screams. The other day, I had to carry him under my arm like a pig while he kicked and screamed - I had his sister in a sling and his toy buggie in my other hand. Oh, and we were going up a hill! It drives me mental, but I deal with it much the same way as you - cheerful but firm - and I hope he grows out of it. I find people give you sympathetic looks - especially if they're parents too.

emmaagain - It's a 2 fold thing really with me, I didn't like him eating anything in the trolley as he eats at a table and I don't like the idea that children can think that they can have whatever they want to eat going round a supermarket. One day grapes, the next day chocolate -what's the difference to a toddler? He's 3.11 now and absolutely fab round supermarkets/shops etc in that he doesn't ask for things he sees. (food wise anyway -toys are still definately fair game to demand!)

We've moved onto acting like Kevin the teenager's little brother -think shrugging shoulders and 'But whhhyyyyyyyyyy?' in a very annoying voice. What will he be like when he is a teenager??????

Hey we had a lovely afternoon at the park today. no tantrums and he played really nicely with his little friend (they usually have constant spats), they even had fun playing at taking turns on a ride thing they both wanted at hte same time. A new day and a better day and it all feels better.
oh apart from when an evil big boy deliberately rode his bike into ds' back and knocked him flying