Abit of a long one please bear with me

[Tiredmommy29]

Hi all, I have some concerns about my DD behaviour, she is 3 turning 4 in October, her behaviour has become so out of control I don't know what to do anymore or how to help her😪, so today I made the first step and contacted the hv and explained my concerns, they want us to go to the baby clinic and do a social and emotional assessment. Il try to make this as brief and to the point that I can, she's very hyperactive, wakes up all throughout the night and shouts and screams in her sleep, she can function on as little as 4 hours sleep and be up for the day, everything ends in a meltdown, getting dressed brushing teeth putting shoes on, she used to do all these things herself but won't anymore it just all ends in her screaming and shouting or having a complete meltdown, she pinches kicks and hurts her 5 year old brother and laughs when she makes him cry, she snatches, interrupts and talks over everyone, she steals food off her brothers plate to upset him or spits her food out onto his plate, if she doesn't get her own way she throws things spits or lashes out, she has horrendous tantrums in public even tries to do it in the road which then results in me having to pick her up while she's kicking and screaming, she's constantly on the go and can't sit still and is constantly picking at her nails and cuticles, slams doors repeatedly and keeps turning the light switches on and off, she also has the most sensitive sense of smell I've ever known she can smell everything and anything, and potty training is a living nightmare we just keep going backwards, funny about zips on coats I can't do it up past a certain point otherwise she says I'm doing it up her neck, holds juice in her mouth when she's tired and swills it around while stroking her comfort blanket, the list could go on to be honest. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel like I've hit a brick wall 🧱 😞 p.s when she is displaying all these behaviours I try to distract, correct and comfort her and also tell her that it's unacceptable and we use kind hands etc but we just keep ending up back to square one, she is the most confident beautiful little soul ❤️ I am just absolutely exhausted 😩

Hello @Tiredmommy29 I'm not surprised that you've contacted the HV, I'm just amazed that you've not don't it sooner. That sounds like an awful lot to try and cope with.

Has the HV asked you to fill out the Ages & Stages? And do you know when you'll get to see the HV?

It's pretty normal for DC to score in the grey area for a couple of things on the Ages & Stages but if she's in the black for one or more I'd ask the HV to refer her to a Paediatrician for assessment, for a hearing test and to SALT.

You might want to have a read of the Explosive Child. The techniques will probably be a lot more effective than those used normally.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto I did raise these concerns with the hv at her 2 year check and was told that the tantrums and the hitting and kicking was all normal 2 year old behaviour and that it should settle down when she starts nursery, however that hasn't been the case, we are seeing the hv on Monday and she just said that they need to do a social and emotional assessment so I'm guessing it's like the questionnaire at the 2 year check? I have no idea what to expect to be honest but I know for sure this is not normal behaviour anymore and I'm going to stick my ground, I just want the best possible outcome for dd, its awful seeing my girl get like this 😢

I agree, it sounds like an awful lot to deal with (for you and for your DD!), and you definitely could do with some support.

I would guess that they might do this questionnaire https://www.socfc.org/SOHS/Disabilities%20Mental%20Health/ASQ/ASQ%20SE%2048%20Months.pdf, possibly together with the one @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto linked in her post (or maybe the 42 month version of that one, depending on exactly when your DD's birthday is).

In terms of things that might take the edge off a teeny bit at home in the meantime, it sounds like she needs a high level of movement and activity. Have you got things at home for her to channel that into? (Trampoline inside or out, something like a wobbel board or one of those sit-and-spin things, a swing, even a long hallway she can run up and down?) Does it help at all if she's encourage to use those regularly throughout the day?

When she's calm, can she say what upsets her about getting dressed, doing teeth, etc.? Is it that she doesn't like the way the clothes/shoes feel? Or that she struggles with stopping doing one thing to do another? Or is it an extreme reaction to being told what to do?

With the coat, lights, and smells, she does seem to have at least some sensory sensitivities – can you lean into that as much as possible? Go with the clothes/shoes that feel most comfortable to her if at all possible. You can get seamless socks, for example, if that's an issue. On the flip side, she might find a wee den with lights and smells and textures she likes a good place to calm down (and with practice, to go to relax/recharge before it all falls apart).

Can you seat her and her brother at opposite ends of the table? Have them playing in separate areas a fair bit of the time? Just as an interim measure for times when you see she's not capable of treating him nicely (which I recognise might be a lot of it at the moment). It gives him a safe space and breaks the negative pattern for both of them.

I hope you get an experienced and helpful HV on Monday and they help you set things in motion for your wee girl.