Our 4yo is horrible, making us utterly miserable and getting worse

[HighHedges]

Can anyone offer some perspective, advice, brutal parenting criticism, reading we should do.

Short background if relevant (quite possibly not) - We've got a 4yo boy. He's had a lot of heath visitor contact in the early days as was displaying some odd, neurotic type behaviours over touching things which affected his eating. This seemed to more or less disappear although they offered referrals for autism, they very much left that in our court and we were fairly happy to leave it as he was doing great. We, and the HV, did attribute a lot of frustration to lockdowns at the time which was exceptionally isolated due to family circumstances.

At school he is apparently completely normal, very bright, polite, a little shy but nothing anyone is worried about.

At home he is making us absolutely miserable, he goes out of his way to wind us up. This can start first thing being poked, slapped to wake us up, refusal to eat breakfast or get dressed and sometimes won't walk to school. If he's told off (politely or shouted at) he reacts aggressively, he can throw things, spit in our face, make pretty sinister sounding threats about killing or hurting us or his sister

He's got a 4mo sister and he wakes her up, throws things at her, at us. He will hit us, scream, throw shoes. This is completely relentless from getting home at lunchtime until he goes to bed. This behaviour used to be reserved for mum and dad but he's also been awful with his grandad who is the most interested of all his grandparents. For apparently no reason he refused to speak or interact with him.

He's much better if we're out for the day, especially if it's just him with one parent, although will be horrendous if he's told no.

Discipline-wise we're at a loss. We've tried time-outs which have no impact, confiscating of favourite toys or cancelling trips, straight to bed, reward charts, reasoning, promise of treats. Nothing seems to be a deterrent or enough of a reward. I don't know what's normal for a 4 year old but he reduces both of us to tears on a regular basis. I'm not sure if my description of his behaviour has done it justice but we feel like we're constantly being worn down.

Where do we start? Books/websites? Professionals? If it's us needing to get a grip - what does this look like? Very open to advice.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds absolutely exhausting. I think I'd contact the HV again and ask her to make that referral.

Has anyone suggested trying The Explosive Child? If he is ND a lot of the discipline techniques that work for NT DC just won't work for him

I agree that this sounds like a lot to deal with, and definitely worth a call to the health visitor. It might be worth looking at the Social-Emotional ASQ questionnaire – this one if he's under 4.5 (https://www.socfc.org/SOHS/Disabilities%20Mental%20Health/ASQ/ASQ%20SE%2048%20Months.pdf) or this one if he's nearer 5 (https://www.socfc.org/SOHS/Disabilities%20Mental%20Health/ASQ/ASQ%20SE%2060%20Months.pdf). Sometimes it helps get professionals attention if you can point an official questionnaire or assessment.

Did this behaviour start suddenly or build up gradually? I think it's well beyond standard 'adjusting to a new sibling' behaviour, but he has had a huge change in his little life just 4 months ago. That might be part of the puzzle.

How is his communication? When he is calm, can he talk about his feelings? (I'd try this with good things, 'how were you feeling when we went to the park?' as well as 'how were you feeling when you hit Daddy?') There are various books about emotions for small children – we like the Colour Monster and talk a little bit about how the different emotions make us feel and what things make us happy, sad, angry, etc. when we read it. If he can't name his feelings, you could try a little 'I wonder if you were feeling angry when X happened'. Can he recognise other people's (basic) emotions or how events might make them feel?

It sounds like he needs an outlet for a lot of strong emotions. Throwing sounds like a method of choice – can you set up a spot where he can safely throw when he feels angry/upset (bean bags at a specific wall perhaps, or even just in his room, if you can remove breakables?). It needs to feel satisfying to throw, I think. I'd redirect him to this when he starts to throw/hit/etc., and I'd stay with him, at least to start with, possibly throw a beanbag or two yourself. You're not sending him off to wrestle with his feelings alone (unless he asks you to, in which case I'd give him space but stay nearby), you're modelling and supporting him through them.

Similar sorts of activities at regular intervals might help him let out the building emotions before they boil over? (I recognise that at the moment it sounds like they are permanently boiling over.) Throwing, kicking, running, bouncing all might help. Chase-and-hug (assuming he likes hugs) or chase-and-tickle if he likes tickling games can help both let out emotions and connect with each other, especially if you can get him laughing.

The other thing I'd think about is quite an extreme version of pick your battles. If he's hearing too many corrections and criticisms, he's going to live up to that negative image (however deserved the corrections). Pick one or two things you want to tackle, come up with a consistent plan for those, ignore as much else as you possibly can, and try to praise even the tiniest moment of good (or even neutral) behaviour. (Does he react positively to praise? I think for some autistic children, praise is too much pressure, so if that's him, ignore that bit!)

Personally, I'd focus on the violence. He doesn't eat breakfast, oh well, he'll be hungry later, for now just try to have a snack for when he is. He doesn't get dressed, oh well, he'll be going wherever in his pyjamas (or alternatively, you won't be going to the park/swimming/whatever thing he wants to do until he's ready to get dressed). Violence is a tricky one because ideally you want the consequence to be clearly related to the behaviour. You can stop playing with him or take him home from an activity 'because it's not fun to play with someone who hits'. You can give him minimum attention ('no thank you, Son's Name, no hitting' said calmly and the same way each time) and lots of attention to the victim. I'd probably try to combine something along these lines with redirecting him to a suitable way of getting the emotions out when needed. Maybe something like 'I can see you're feeling angry/frustrated/whatever, but it's not fun to play with someone who hits. Let's go throw your beanbags/bounce on the trampoline/whatever until you're feeling better, and then we can come back to this game.' That would be my goal – I would not achieve it with perfect calmness every time! Having a plan and a formula for what to say helps, though.

That's an absolute essay, but I hope there's at least an idea or two in there that might seem worth trying.

@skkyelark your advice is always so good and thoughtful

Wow thank you for taking the time to respond everyone. @skkyelark I think that's interesting re: picking your battles and that feels like a real help with where to start. Interestingly if he gets taken out on the garden it's like a switch has been turned off so maybe that's his 'beanbag throwing'. @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto I have ordered the explosive child book (just typed exploding child -sometimes feels like it!).

I do ask, probably not enough, and he seems very good at talking about his feelings, he says he doesn't like being told what to do or shouted at - I do wonder if there's something in the fact that throughout lockdown he did everything with us and we imposed little structure or rules, it feels like he didn't get a sense of child-adult differences and now can't understand why there's so many rules.

Thanks again.

I do ask, probably not enough, and he seems very good at talking about his feelings, he says he doesn't like being told what to do or shouted at - I do wonder if there's something in the fact that throughout lockdown he did everything with us and we imposed little structure or rules, it feels like he didn't get a sense of child-adult differences and now can't understand why there's so many rules

It could be or it could be Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphiaa*.

Obviously nobody on here can tell you why he's behaving like this or diagnose him but the possibility of RSD gives you more reason to get him referred and assessed.

Thanks, @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto , that's very kind of you to say.

@HighHedges , great that you already know that the garden helps him manage his emotions – hopefully you and he will be able to develop a habit of using that to help him when everything starts boiling over (or with practice, before that point, at least some of the time). You might need an alternative for winter, but if you try the garden for a little bit, you might be able to discuss other ideas with him. He sounds like he's quite aware of what he's feeling, so he may be able to recognise other things that also help him feel better/calmer.

With the not liking rules thing, as part of picking your battles in the short term, could you focus on rules linked to basic health and safety? Conveniently, those are likely to be rules that you and his dad also follow (e.g., no hitting, no throwing, cleaning teeth twice a day, having a bath/shower regularly), so they can be explained as rules for everyone, without pushing too hard on the adult/child differences at this stage. There are a lot of rules at school, so he might need to decompress from that. Perhaps straight into the garden for a bit after school, or come home via a park?

1,2,3 magic and the Incredible Years are both great. My daughters therapist also reminded us you really need to try something for a solid month before changing. It feels like a long time but it takes a while for differences to really solidify.