4 yo DD being shunned at school... I'm getting tearful over it! Anyone help?

[CorduroyAngel]

My DD started school last Sept and it seemed ok at first. It's a catholic school so the other kids are very well behaved but we're not a member of any church. I thought I was imagining things when the teacher seemed to ignore her, but now I've noticed all the other girls have special friends and hang around in small groups and when DD tries to befriend them they ignore her. She's been getting very upset and moody. I think I've damaged her as I had post natal depression after DS and shouted a lot. Please help I'm getting so upset myself about it...

so it seems this girl must have been kind to her at some point, to have her FEEL like hugging and kissing, as DD is NOT prone to such displays normally!

Circle of Friends is used to support children who are having problems integrating socially. The child and parents have to agree to it.

The child is taken out of the class and someone comes to speak to the rest of the class. The class is asked to think about all the people who are in their life - the people they are closest to (e.g. mum, dad, gran etc), the people who are their close friends, the people who are their less close friends and other people in their life (e.g. doctor, dentist, policeman). Then they are asked to imagine how they would feel and how they would behave if they did not have their friends in their life. They come up with lists like sad, cross etc. Usually the list describes the child who is being excluded. Then you ask them to think about how the excluded child behaves and suddently they seem to understand where the child's behaviour comes from.

Then you tell the class that you are going to form a group of friends for the excluded child and ask if they would like to volunteer to be part of this group. They privately decide and let the teacher know. Typically about a third of the class volunteers.

The group then meets about once a week with the excluded child. They talk about how they can help the child and what has gone well the previous week. The group tends to meet for about a term and by the end the child is usually much more integrated. There has been quite a lot of research on it's effectiveness. However, it does need to be handled sensitively and thoroughly which is why you usually need an ed psych to be involved (not because they are always sensitive and thorough !) but because they probably have a set way of doing it that has been tried and tested and avoids some of the many pitfalls.

Circle of Friends is used to support children who are having problems integrating socially. The child and parents have to agree to it.

The child is taken out of the class and someone comes to speak to the rest of the class. The class is asked to think about all the people who are in their life - the people they are closest to (e.g. mum, dad, gran etc), the people who are their close friends, the people who are their less close friends and other people in their life (e.g. doctor, dentist, policeman). Then they are asked to imagine how they would feel and how they would behave if they did not have their friends in their life. They come up with lists like sad, cross etc. Usually the list describes the child who is being excluded. Then you ask them to think about how the excluded child behaves and suddently they seem to understand where the child's behaviour comes from.

Then you tell the class that you are going to form a group of friends for the excluded child and ask if they would like to volunteer to be part of this group. They privately decide and let the teacher know. Typically about a third of the class volunteers.

The group then meets about once a week with the excluded child. They talk about how they can help the child and what has gone well the previous week. The group tends to meet for about a term and by the end the child is usually much more integrated. There has been quite a lot of research on it's effectiveness. However, it does need to be handled sensitively and thoroughly which is why you usually need an ed psych to be involved (not because they are always sensitive and thorough !) but because they probably have a set way of doing it that has been tried and tested and avoids some of the many pitfalls.

thanks, you've been a great help (now at end of tissue box!). Phew. Will try and put all the advice given to work this week. When anything like this happens you think you're more or less alone but of course it's happening all the time. Many thanks to all. I hope this thread has also been helpful to other mums x

Neolara I think the role playing and short story idea is a good one. I'll try that tomorrow evening. I hope your situation with the nursery improves x

My eldest son is another one of those kids who finds social interaction difficult. He is now in year 2 and I have been struggling with the issue for a couple of years now.

The thing that has really helped me is making my own friends with other mums, even though our kids are all very different we do things with them as a group. I am not a big small talk person so have done a lot for the school fundraising - great way to get to know people. If you can find a mum that you get on with that can be an impetus for your daughter to build a relationship. Maybe someone else is struggling as well?

Also I have definitely been putting on my fears on to my son, I was not happy or popular at school so am parnoid that it won't be the same for him. I have been guilty of excessive questioning about what goes on at school, in the playground, who is friends are etc...

Hi Kaz, yes I think you're right. I've been dreading this happening and seems I might have contributed to the situation. Darnit. I have tried chatting to the other mums... I'm not the best small talker either so don't find it easy with everyone. I've found it tricky at the school as they seem already so involved with one another. My best friend moved to the States last year, think DD also misses her.

Neolara, if you're still there... is there a possible issue with the Circle of Friends of this becoming a bit of a stigma in itself for the child? That they might then become the child who needs help in making friends? (something the other children might take for granted)

Sorry just realised I have to get to bed as have early rise tomorrow. Will check back tomorrow evening. You've all cheered me!

I just wanted to say that your dd and all the kids in her class are still very, very young. It may not be age appropriate to expect more sophisticated social skills from them yet; an awful lot of 'blanking' goes on from what I've seen, my ds still gets this and he's in year one.

It's I think, just immature social skills and it's what they are at school to learn, but they can't learn without experience...

I have seen my ds literally begging a child to play with him, and just be blanked and of course as a parent it's gut wrenching; but then the next week they've been running about the playground with no hatred for eachother or anything...it is very, very easy as a parent to project your own feelings on to your child; the child who is being blanked isn't necessarily feeling as you think they are, sometimes I think they may just be feeling frustration and crossness that they can't play with so and so; it's us as parents who are looking on and feeling TORTURED for our beloved child, and on top of that we add a little dose of projection to the future; my child will have social problems like this forever, they will be a loner, they will be a sad withdrawn teenager....

I think my point is that what you're describing happens alot in school at this age and I'm not sure it's anything to really worry about, not yet anyway.

I really am going to bed this time (pjs on!) but thank you Honoria for stopping by. I hope and pray that things will change but I fear, of course, that it'll start a pattern. Yes, they're all learning and DD is understandably trying to infiltrate what must be the popular clique in her class. Maybe she'll eventually start to take more notice of the other children in her class - I do hope so. She does take time to 'warm up' with people, whereas I notice her peers all seem happy smiley 'hello' types. Your comments will help keep me grounded tomorrow at school

Morning CA Hope you got some sleep after a late night on MN. Just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today.

hope things are looking a little clearer this morning

Hi Pedilia, hi IC, thanks for popping in... feeling a little better after talking again to teacher and finding that one of my old friends has similar problem with HER first born (born 3 days before DD)! Thinking maybe there's something in this astrology thing haha! Just want to say a BIG thank you to everyone who sent comments as it was a great comfort xxx