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Behaviour/development

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My daughters development is draining me

13 replies

Peg12 · 30/06/2023 18:18

Hello,
I have a nearly 1 year old DD. Her development has been very delayed, she didn’t sit till gone 8 months, only started rolling consistently in the last month, no crawling or bum shuffling, she doesn’t pull to stand, and is generally unsteady on her feet even when I’m holding her. I have suspected autism, as her older brother and my partner has it. She stims a lot, constantly rotating her feet and wrists, she was a late babbler, still doesn’t point or wave but can clap. She is a smiley girl, but I struggle to get a laugh out of her.
I obsess over her development, I know in my heart she is autistic, but everyone tells me just watch and wait. It’s draining looking at her everyday not achieving her milestones, and truthfully I feel my love fading for her, all I feel is disappointment. I give her everything she needs and wants, so much attention, but I just feel completely drained by feeling that she is different, and actually I feel angry, that she can’t just be ‘Normal’
sorry this is a bit of a rant, and not really a question. Am I bad for feeling so much disappointment in my child.

TIA

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 30/06/2023 20:11

It does sound as though there's a chance that she could be ND and it's perfectly ok to grieve the DD and relationship that you were planning on.

Are you getting any support at all @Peg12?

Peg12 · 30/06/2023 20:29

Yeah it is like grief. My partner is great, but does see things as very black and white, so struggles with the emotional aspect of it. I have requested a different health visitor today, as she has her 9-12month review yesterday, and they didn't even do the questionnaire, just scribbled a few answers to some simple questions in her notebook.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 30/06/2023 20:39

Well done for requesting a new HV. Did the HV say anything about her not standing or offer a follow up appointment?

I think it's worth going to the GP and saying that she's not meeting her milestones, there's ASD in the family and you want a referral to Paediatrics.

1990shopefulftm · 30/06/2023 20:49

Well done for pushing for another HV, I'd speak to your GP find out if they know the exact age that paediatrics will take a referral and ask them their thoughts on your daughter not standing.

One potential support I can suggest is to see if your area has a portage service, they do home visits where children have delayed development, but you don't need a diagnosis yet to access them. We've had a couple of months of visits for a portage worker for our 2 year old who has worked on play activities with us, but also they're very positive and non judgemental so they could feel like a support to you too.

Peg12 · 30/06/2023 20:50

No comments, just said some babies go straight to walking. She agreed she has very 'rigid' legs, and doesn't bend them to sit back down if I'm holding her while standing. Nope, just said we'll go back and think of a plan. I was extremely disappointed yesterday, when they know I've got concerns and they couldn't even be organised/bothered enough to actually bring the correct paperwork to do the review properly. I will go back to the GP, I have several times, and have been fobbed off that she is still young. Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
Peg12 · 30/06/2023 20:52

We had a family support worker, when I expressed concerns that she wasn't moving about two months ago, and in all honesty she wasn't much help, we both just stared at my DD not moving, and has no useful tips or advice. I will look into the portage service.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 30/06/2023 20:58

Peg12 · 30/06/2023 20:50

No comments, just said some babies go straight to walking. She agreed she has very 'rigid' legs, and doesn't bend them to sit back down if I'm holding her while standing. Nope, just said we'll go back and think of a plan. I was extremely disappointed yesterday, when they know I've got concerns and they couldn't even be organised/bothered enough to actually bring the correct paperwork to do the review properly. I will go back to the GP, I have several times, and have been fobbed off that she is still young. Thank you for replying.

I know what you mean about the GP. I always found they listened if DH came with me. It's sad that some GPs listen to men more than women but it's our experience that it happened, several times.

Peg12 · 30/06/2023 21:00

That's a good idea, maybe I'll bring my partner. It is so frustrating, when you feel no one is listening to you, and doesn't take what you have to say seriously.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 30/06/2023 21:02

Peg12 · 30/06/2023 21:00

That's a good idea, maybe I'll bring my partner. It is so frustrating, when you feel no one is listening to you, and doesn't take what you have to say seriously.

I know. We had it with DS when he was 2.5 and was really rather poorly. Only got a referral when DH came with me in his day off.

Peg12 · 30/06/2023 21:08

Oh, that's really rubbish for you. It really is disappointing, when you're seeking for some answers, and you feel you're not being heard.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 30/06/2023 22:16

She stims a lot, constantly rotating her feet and wrists is totally normal. That's in my red book (for my oldest, who's a young adult) as a developmental level and she's right on target for it. I've nannied various babies and had 3 of my own and they've all done it and only one is autistic-and that high functioning.

She may be autistic, but there isn't anything that screams it to me, and she's very young for a diagnosis. Not saying no child will be diagnosed at that age, but it's relatively unusual. The only thing I'd watch is the not pointing, but she still has time to develop it. (suggested age is 8-14 months)

Every development for a child has a range, and some children are on the later side. It can also depend on what people use as the measure of what their child does. So for example, one parent might say they're sitting when they can do 2-3 wobbly seconds; another might not say they're sitting until they can sit without falling backwards in a couple of hours.

One of mine was late to do everything physical, but when she did it, she did it perfectly. So she took her first steps at 16 months, and two days later walked everywhere and never crawled again.

I totally get that you're worried, but I can also see why doctors aren't. There is a genetic element to autism, but it's not a guarantee.
How does she interact when she's with you? If you get say a toy where you press the button to make a noise, if you do it, will she imitate? Does she "share" things with you by holding it out to you, or catching your eye.

It may be that you have seen more than you've written that makes you worried, and I can't tell that, but also remember that if she is autistic, then she's still the same gorgeous baby that came out of you. Her being autistic will only be part of her. Play with her, cuddle her, and maybe she'll surprise you with her amazingness, whether she is autistic or not.

Mumof3bb1 · 10/06/2024 20:41

Hi, how’s your little one getting on now?

Mumof3bb1 · 08/07/2024 11:56

@Peg12 how is your little one coming on?

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