4 year old - behavioural issues

[Tropicalblastt]

Hi!

So I’m at my wits end and struggling with my 4 year old boy. He can be such a lovely little boy but his behaviour is atrocious. He’s been a biter since he started nursery just before he was 2, he spits, he screams, he pulls people’s hair, he slaps himself, scratches himself, bites nursery leaders and other kids, he tells me he hates me and his dad, refuses to do anything we ask of him, throws things in fits of rage, he’s a very angry little boy and I just don’t understand why! He’s now also started to refuse to go to sleep even though he’s always had the same routine. His emotions go from 0-100 in literally a second.

I do not tolerate this behaviour one bit. He constantly apologises but it’s the same thing day in day out. No sort of gentle parenting or punishment works. I just don’t know what to do. Does he have additional needs that no one’s picked up yet? Nursery called me in yesterday to discuss it and actually sit me down to see if I’m okay which quite frankly I am not! I’m broke 😭 I’m so drained from all of this.

Has anyone experienced something similar and can provide advice on what to do next or what sort of help I can get?

thanks.

We definitely had a shock with our little boy and his emotions generally resulting in a physical response to anger, frustration etc. he’s only two so am not out the other side yet but we’ve found that giving him physical outlets really help. Just to get the energy out somehow and it seems to help him respond more calmly. The other thing we did with our other child was make up silly games about feelings and emotions - rather than just doing books but helping them to build the communication around feelings. Not sure if it’s much help x

No solution I'm afraid as I'm also struggling with my 4 year old. My son is a bit different from yours in that is is wonderfully behaved most of the time but has random violent outbursts, some of which are physically violent (he throws things and pushes kids etc when he gets really angry). Am desperately trying to work out what's triggering this!

Hi OP, yes most likely your DS is overwhelmed by the nursery environment - his behaviours described by you are rooted in the flight or fight response in young children from feeling very anxious and not able to manage his emotional state or recognise it as he’s too young. Ask him if he ever feels nervous in his tummy but he might not recognise it in himself yet. You properly get the fall out from this at home with his behaviour. Small class environment will suit him best with pastoral support in reception. It may emerge later that he has some SEN, sensory issues - could be a range of things or nothing and this is about instead him being a very sensitive child with an emotional lag. Is he developmentally advanced in other areas and out of sync? I know it’s stressful and upsetting but try not to punish anything that happens at nursery again back at home as this will do more harm than good, he has little control over his response right now until he matures - 5-6 years is when some children can manage better emotionally . Keep it separate and ofcourse stick with your boundaries at home- keep it simple ie hitting grownups means no tv choice for the rest of the day. Name emotions such as him being frustrated when he’s having a meltdown and it will really help slowly x

I have a very angry little 4 yo boy as well. He is very very highly strung. Even when he is very happy doing something he loves, it usually ends with tears. He has started to bite and lash out at me. Gentle parenting doesn't work for him either unfortunately and there are consequences. If he acts out after 3 warnings we leave or he takes time out. The triggers in our case is if he's overexcited I give him time out or that he is either hungry or overtired. We were at a birthday party last weekend and he loved the first hour but the second hour I had to pull him aside and sit him down and gave him my phone to play some games with and later he joined the party again behaving civilised.

I wish we had solutions for our little ones ☹

Hi no advice really but just wanted to sat I feel exactly the same, my 4 year old boy has very heightend emotions and gets very angry multiple times a day. Nursery have also picked up on this and have been very helpful. I think its possible he has Adhd, we've had hospital appointments for blood tests to rule out any vitamin deficiencies and have a health visitor coming out next week. My sons nursery were the ones who contacted the health visitor so I'm hoping that will give us some support and help us with what to do next.

Thanks everyone.. it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this! I asked the doctor for help but they just suggested HV and when I asked HV for some much needed help, they sent me pieces of paper in the post 🙃

I have home start coming out for the school readiness program so I’ve stressed to them my struggles and hopefully they come back with something.

It’s so draining and you feel like you are failing everyone. My sons with a paediatrician anyway for allergies so I may talk to them at my next appointment.

I’m currently going through a difficult stage with my 1 year old who is also crying all the time, bites, scratches and pinches so it’s coming from all angles!!!

I hope we all get the help we need to get through this! Sending all the love to everyone.

@Elizabethz1
we've had hospital appointments for blood tests to rule out any vitamin deficiencies

Do you mind me asking how you arranged those blood tests please?

I made an appointment at the doctors and just explained how he had been struggling and how nursery were concerned they refured him to the hospital, I asked nursery to write me a statement about my little boy to fully explain how much he was struggling. I did feel like I needed to push for it to.be done as the doctor tried to put it down to normal child behaviour but the report from nursery really supported what I was saying.

Fab, many thanks, so helpful.