Hi
Sorry if this post ends up rambled and long. I am extremely anxious about my son and about posting as I have always lurked but never been brave enough to actually post about any concerns.
Prefacing by stating I am a first time mum and am also known to be a bit of a worrier. I know that people dont hold back with their opinions here so if my concerns do come across as a bit silly or neurotic I would also love to know this.
To try and summarise, my son is 10months old and from around 1 week old until now he has been miserable. By miserable I mean for the first 8 weeks of his life he cried incessantly. If he was awake he was crying and genuinely only slept for around 4-6 hours a day in total but broken up. This is no exaggeration. I very quickly spiralled into severe anxiety as nothing would settle my baby and it broke my heart that I felt nothing i did could soothe him. I'd been prepared for "difficult babies" being those who were described as "velcro babies" and not wanting to be put down and wishing to be held all the time....
I thought I was prepared for this.
However, my son cried both in and out of my arms. He actually became more furious when trying to cuddle him or rock him to sleep etc which is something I was not prepared for at all. I felt like I was trying my best to be as attentive as possible and that I was failing and going to give him some kind of trauma because of how much he cried.
When you hear of people who do cry it out etc so much emphasis is placed on the damage crying does to babies and I felt I was doing everything in my power to try and keep him happy and safe and well and yet he ferociously cried through all of it other than when physically feeding at the breast or the occasional snippets of sleep he would get. I was back and forth to the gp and even a and e at a couple of desperate points as it broke my heart to see him like this and have no idea what is wrong. We were advised all the usual things, colic, reflux, milk allergies. Had a tongue tie cut. All measures taken made no difference.
When he got to around 8 weeks old his sleep improved which naturally led to less crying as he was asleep. He also became a bit more aware of surroundings so would be almost a bit distracted by things but settled periods would last for a maximum of about 2 minutes and then would need to move him somewhere to distract him. Just to note the actual act of picking him up and cradling him would always make him really upset. Learned that holding him upright outward facing would have the most success st settling him for the longest time but that would also only last about 5 minutes before would need to distract him with something else. I dreaded when he would wake because I knew he was going to be so unhappy and was realling feeling like a failure because nothing I done seemed to have much success and although a bit pathetic I started to take things personally and feel really rejected by my baby because cuddling etc made him so upset. At this time I realised I most likely had postnatal depression but in my head felt this was only natural because who wouldnt feel depressed that their baby was constantly unhappy.
I have also had a few moments when lack of sleep and the overwhelm of a baby that seems to constantly be unhappy have got the better of me and I have placed him down a bit more forcefully than I would have liked to go and get a breather or have cried in front of him or snapped a bit and shouted occasionally things like "omg I dont know whats wrong" or " please stop" and then felt horrendously guilty and that i dont deserve him and then my thoughts quickly spiral and ashamed to say that at points I've felt like what is the point in being here at all as I feel like I've failed at the most important thing in life because my baby is so upset and I dont know how to fix it but I know deep down that wouldn't solve anything and he needs me.
Sorry I have rambled on a bit. Just want to try and explain best I can and thanks for reading this far if you are still there !
As time has went on I have clung onto advice from family, health visitor etc that things will improve at 4 months, 6 months 9 months, when they go onto solids etc.
Fast forward to 10 months and I still feel very similar and not sure if this is just normal and I have very unrealistic expectations or if I should be concerned. Either way I am concerned but would love insight from others or anybody who has been in a similar situation or any advice at all.
To describe his behaviour now I would say it has improved but it is almost as though his default state is unhappy and upset and I need to try and constantly find distractions to stop him from thinking about whatever is bothering him.
Main concerns are
Still remains unhappy the majority of time but as opposed to full on crying it is a mix of whinging, fussing, looks of frustration and then if he is not distracted very quickly it will turn into full on crying that takes quite a while to settle him from
- Has only just started at 10months to have basic babbling. No imitation
3 . Will be distracted by objects but not people. When he is frustrated I try singing, talking on a soothing voice, making silly voices and faces but he does not seem interested at all and just continues to get frustrated but if shown a toy (particularly with sound) he will become interested and distracted enough to stop crying
- Weaning going badly. Still refusing mostly anything presented. He initially would pick up finger foods and gnaw on them but now he cries a lot if presented with finger foods and will sometimes bring it to his mouth but then quickly throw it away and cry or just as soon as it is presented throws himself back on the highchair and cries. I initially would persist and try lots of different things but now feel like that might be making it worse because it is obviously distressing him so just try one thing and if he cries just take him out the highchair. However then I feel like I'm not trying hard enough and that hs is never going to get the hang of it
Some positives now are that he does laugh at some things and now and seems to show a recognition of songs I sing. He does sometimes answer to his name and will play with toys for brief periods. When he first awakens now in the morning there is a 5 minute window where he seems like a different baby and is so happy and playful but only lasts for 5 minutes maximum before this frustration and crying sets and it is exhausting trying to keep him from crying and fussing all the time.
I know that was very very long and again thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it all. I just wondered if anyone has experienced anything similar and if everything turned out ok or if similar and baby turned out to have developmental problems. I just want to help my baby and feel I've ran out of ideas and energy. I'm so ashamed to say that a lot of times I'm out and about I stare over at other mums and watch them interacting with their babies who are laughing or enjoying themselves or enjoying a cuddle and feel green with envy and then I end up in tears with guilt when I look at my baby for thinking these things and so sorry for him that I am thibking these things. I also find it easier to interact with other babies and really enjoy getting the eye contact etc from even random babies at classes etc. My heart then genuinely breaks with guilt because I feel like I'm comparing my poor baby to others and just want to be able to experience the same with him. But I know he is his unique self and wish I was better at dealing with this all. Everyone says not to wish the baby years away but I find it so hard to follow that advice when my son seems constantly miserable and I am just desperately wishing away a solution to his unhappiness
Any insights, experiences or ideas is massively appreciated