I’m struggling with 21mo

[OrangeJuice9]

DS is 21mo. I’m really really struggling, I don’t think a day goes by I don’t cry and remember the times when I had just my DD (older) and how easy life was. Sorry I know that sounds bad. He’s just so unhappy, throws tantrums over the smallest things and thrashes himself about whilst doing them. He chipped a tooth of mine by head butting me whilst throwing himself mid tantrum. I’m just really struggling to find any enjoyment in life at the moment with him and worry that DD is missing out because I can’t devote enough time to her. Going out is a struggle because if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t like it’s a complete meltdown and it’s so stressful. DD was the complete opposite and the model toddler so I’m completely lost as to what to do. Can someone tells me this gets better? Did you also have a permanently aggy child who turned out to be just fine?! I can’t see an end and everyday I cry thinking how unhappy life is for everyone :(

This is EXACTLY my situation. Same age, same older sister etc. very hard and very stressful 😫 to the extent I've wondered if he has something (adhd/asd) who knows! A lot of people say it's age/boys so I'm hoping that's the case but yes it's so hard!

Me too!!! I trawl through Google looking at autism/ADHD traits or similar in toddlers and wonder if any of the symptoms apply! It’s reassuring to hear someone is in the same position, albeit not a great position to be in! I hope this passes soon and is just a “phase” (which has been going on since he was 10mo 😩)

How are things now? Any better? Ours is getting worse 😫 he's on a mission to get other kids atm it's mortifying. Been to soft play this morning and he must have pulled 4 kids hair 😭

Same here my son always wants to be held, even for small things he throws big tantrums, I'm unhappy,I'm not able to deal with him and I'm exhausted too he 28months old

This is uncannily like my own situation. How are you @OrangeJuice9 ? @c307 I have had to leave soft play on manner on occasion because I want to enforce boundaries but feels like I'm punishing my older well-behaved child with the same stroke. It's a nightmare. How are you doing @mthrofflwr ? My DS is 26m so a little closer in age to yours. Feels like this is a very long 'phase' 😪x

On many an occasion**

Things aren’t getting much better 😥 tantrums are lasting longer and are almost impossible to help him calm down. We’re due to go on a cruise in the next few weeks and I’m dreading being in such close proximity and confinement with other people because of what will inevitably happen. @User55555 i completely understand what you mean! Sometimes I’ll be so drained with DS that older DD will do the smallest thing and I’ll take my frustration out on her :( I just try and think of how easy things are with her now and hoping that in a couple of years we will be in the same situation with DS. Hoping there is an end in sight at some point makes things a little easier!

I’m in a similar position, really struggling with my 21 month old son at the moment. I just feel like I’m at my breaking point. Not so much related to tantrums but other stuff…

• Has never slept through the night in his life but his sleep is absolutely awful at the moment. Currently hourly wake ups after about 1am and then up for the day at 5am.
• Incredibly clingy, all semblance of independent play has vanished. If I leave the room he runs after me crying.
• Has developed the exasperating habit of jumping, running and body slamming me whenever I’m on the sofa. It’s incredibly painful and he won’t stop doing it despite trying to set boundaries.
• I feel overstimulated by him constantly touching me, pulling on me, shouting, dropping and throwing things.
• Can’t take him anywhere without him running off, injuring himself or generally risky behaviour.

I’m not enjoying parenting at all at the moment and so worried that it will never get better.

@OrangeJuice9 if you're worried about the Cruise, which is understandable, I'd get a copy of Little Angelss*. It's out of print now but it's an incredibly helpful book and unlike some books on behaviour, this one is evidence based.

How is his speech and language? If you do this progress checker does it say "you answered no to some important questions".

And I totally sympathise with you feeling worn out. I think it's time to see the HV and ask her to do the Ages & Stages Assessment. Explain that you're worried about ASD & ADHD and finding it hard to cope.

Let us know how you get on

@Unfurlingjasminetea what happens at the hourly wake-up's? Is he being fed?

The night wakes are tough aren’t they :( DS wakes 5 times a week for hours at a time. Often 1-4am and then I have to wake him at 7am so he doesn’t sleep too late and to be ready for the day. Subsequently creating a tired child who hasn’t slept enough. We went through a stint of about 5 weeks where he slept through 95% of the time. But other than that he has always been a bad sleeper. It’s exhausting because I feel like I don’t even get a break at night time!

how’s your partner are they supportive? Are you on the same page?

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto thanks so much for this. He doesn’t say a single word at the moment which is in stark contrast to DD who was saying full sentences at this age. He’s good at communicating in such a way that hr will grab my hand and take me where he wants help or to play. Makes lots of noises but not a word in sight

If there's no speech at all have you managed to do the progress checker yet? It's usually a helpful guide

Just to say I can totally relate, going through this with my almost 2.5 year old son and have felt this way since he was about 21 months too. It’s really hard, and I also have an older daughter who did not go through this at all and has generally been very easy - lovely as that is, I think it can then mean you aren’t prepared for a more challenging second child and of course we always hear that it must be because he’s a boy! I also feel really guilty when my son’s behaviour impacts her either because he is attacking her, breaking her things or I just can’t give her attention while I manage him.

As others have suggested, I requested that he had his ages and stages 2 year check a little early - it ended up being around his 2nd birthday. He scored highly on the social emotional questions so we arranged a follow up for review which took place this week. Although I sometimes think I see some improvement as he is now able to communicate better (he didn’t really have many words until he turned 2), and having started nursery, he still scored highly on the questionnaire and things still feel challenging we are going for a referral for assessment. He is still very young and things might change but the wait lists are very long (up to two years) and I’d rather be in the system now. see how he scores on the questionnaire (you can find these online for the relevant ages) which may help guide your next steps.

I really feel you - please always feel free to message me privately to vent!

How are you all getting on? We had a really positive 3 weeks and I thought we were finally turning a corner. It was short lived and the last fortnight or so has reverted back to usual behaviour. DH is out, and whilst reading DS (child in question!) a book tonight at bed time I just cried and cried. He’s turning 2 next month so awaiting the assessment from the health visitor to see if anything is underlying. We still have next to no speech with I think is contributing. But also perhaps he’s bored? Although nursery for the last week or so have said he’s been quite “emotional” there and has been throwing himself to the floor in tantrums or whatever. I’m started to feel bad for the girls at nursery having to deal with it. I just want him to be an enjoyable child 😫

@OrangeJuice9 very uncanny - we also had a good few weeks too only for it to abruptly change back this week (hence me frequenting Mumsnet again which dishes out both reassurance and panic in equal measure). I had actually started to relax more and feel a little optimistic and with this regression in behaviour I think it's just sent me crashing very low. We had the ASQ very prompt at 2 because I had been worried but nothing came of it for us. Would be keen to hear how you get on. @Unfurlingjasminetea the body slamming and constant physicality and touching!!! This is us!! I'm exhausted and feeling so down tonight. 💐for you all x

When did you have the 2 year check up? DS will be 2 in about 5 weeks. Although having continually trawled google I don’t think he has a medical diagnosis. His speech is clearly delayed, he doesn’t say a single word clearly, I would say the only thing he does say properly and in context is Dada. Maybe this is where the frustration stems from as communicating is a challenge. I’m really hoping over the next year things improve as his speech comes along :/

@OrangeJuice9 we had it in May shortly after 2nd birthday. It was performed quite prompt because I said I'd been worried. Funnily enough my LO's only word was dada for a long, long time. It's very different now - proper sentences, though clarity is quite poor and I probably only understand half of it. It's really the behaviour now which is just totally exhausting. The sheer physicality is nothing like I experienced the first time around. Everyone gets rugby tackled left, right and centre. I sincerely hope it's something they will grow out of x

Hey guys! Any updates? It's been a while!

Hey @c307 how are you getting on? Still a struggle here to be honest. However I would said things have mildly improved from a few months back, either that or I’ve gotten used to this behaviour 😅
we’re seeking a private speech therapist currently too as DS has very limited vocabulary still at 27mo. I’m hoping this will help behaviour if he can communicate with us better.

Also how are your LO’s sleeping? DS still isn’t sleeping better. More often than not doesn’t sleep through the night. Mainly split nights from about 1-5am. I just thought this was the norm but the more I read the more I think we should visit a sleep clinic? Had a referral through nursery for Portage assessment but they advised they didn’t think he fell under them (for SEN) but am searching for a private speech therapist as NHS is 30 weeks wait!

We are the same, still not great. He's just hitting all the time, us, his sister, the dog... nursery have said the same he will randomly just go for other kids but they can't work it out because they said he's not doing it maliciously or really even viciously it's more like excitement maybe? But she also said his speech is good for his age and he has enough words to communicate so doesn't understand why he's doing it.
Thankfully he sleeps great, always has. He goes to bed at 6.30/7pm and sleeps through to 6/6.30am. He is at the point of dropping his nap in the day though so that's 50/50 now, some days he goes down and has 1/1.5 hours some days he won't go. But he's always slept well

Hi
any updates please ? X