DD going through a 'violent' phase - how to curb her behaviour?

[Stargazing]

Violent is an overstatement, but basically, 18mo DD has started 'grabbing" our faces. Kind of like an all-fingers pinch. Worst of all, she's doing it to DS, who is approaching 3 months. I was expecting some jealous behaviour with his birth, and to be honest, there hasn't been much. But I need to nip this one in the bud.

We've tried confiscating her favourite toy each time it happens - the one she sleeps with. When she asks for it at bedtime, I remind her that I took it away and then ask her if she knows why. She says "yes. Hit baba" and cries a bit. I keep reinforcing why it's been taken away, both when she asks for it and when I eventually return it.

We've also tried putting her in 'solitary" - basically in her cot for 3 minutes or so, ignoring her when she calls out, and then explaining why we are angry etc when we eventually go in to fetch her.

I've also been saying "no hitting, just patting" or "no hitting, just stroking/ kissing" - to offer her an alternative, rather than just being prohibitive the whole time. I've also said "mummy doesn't hit daddy, daddy doesn't hit mummy, mummy doesn't hit you etc etc etc"

Any other suggestions? I am at the end of my tether.

it is normal!

don't think explaining does any good at 18 months - does she really understand why you are confiscating her teddy? Also IMO, 3 mins is way too long for a time out for an 18 month old

When DS does this, i get down to his level, and say no firmly (i ask him to look at me)

my DS has had various phases of this, usually co-inciding with teething and him enjoying biting hard on anything in reach

I found the most useful and effective approack was to offer positive alternatives.

"Play gently"

"Gentle stroking"

And then lots of praise for that.

I think sometimes when we say "Hey! No! Don't do that! No hitting! It isn't nice! Now I'm going to take away your toy, don't do it again..."

What they hear is "... Blah blah blah hitting blah blah blah..."

And think "Ohh, hitting, now there's a good game that mummy always gets excited about!"

Would agree that she is too young to have her teddy removed but she must know this is not on. Yes, get down to her level and hold her firmly and say NO in a really firm voice then remove her from the area. Eventually she will get the message.

Uh huh. What the green vegetable says. Positively reinforce the good behaviour, ignore the "bad". It's not always easy, granted, but bear in mind it's a normal phase. And as with all phases, it will come to an end.

She's too young to grasp the consequences and remember for next time. Also the no you can't do this but you can do that is confusing. She is also too little to have free access to the baby either supervise clsoely or put him in cot.

A positive demonstration "like this" may be a clearer message as to how she should ebhave with her brother. Your response to her hitting /pinching has to be immediate and explanation very simple. Try ignoring it as fara s possible and just removing her from your immediate sight line, putting her in isolation and taking away her comfort toys may ultimately lead to resentment and a feeling of being unloved and deposed by the baby so generating more attention seeking behaviour. Remember also to fuss over her being good, however small it seems.

DD has gone through this and I know it is really difficult but ignoring it is the best way, don't look at her, don't speak to her, unlatch her hands, we found that that worked so much better then telling her no, getting angry etc, because in her mind she had won as she got a reaction.

Absolutely agree that expecting her to understand at bedtime that her toy was confiscated for something she did earlier in the day is asking way too much. Consequences need to come quickly for such a little one. A deep voiced 'no' (rather than a scream) and removing the child/restraining her hands is quite enough.

And tbh I wouldn't confiscate the bedtime/reassurance toy even for a school age child unless their misbehavior had happened at bedtime and was directly connected to that toy. They need to have bedtime as a safe time even if (or perhaps even particularly when) they've been naughty earlier in the day.

Finally, with a small child, the fact that they don't reform straightaway is not a sign of failure: it's part of bringing children up that you need to have the patience to repeat your reinforcement again and again and again. They aren't going to reform after the first telling off; that takes a maturity that an 18month old hasn't got.