4 year old struggling with emotions

[Elizabethz1]

My 4 year old boy has always been a very lively little boy. As he is getting older he is starting to struggle with his emotions and feelings of anger. Nursery are very concerned about him and I constantly have to go pick him up early as he gets over whelmed and upset easily. He needs a constant 1 to 1 at nursery to make sure him and other children are safe. Ive had many meetings with Nursery and they think it is not bad behaviour and he is genuinely really struggling. They have spoken about ADHD which I think is quite likely. He is such a clever and caring little boy but his emotions are just so extreme whether that is happy, sad or angry they are always over the top and he seems so hurt by things that aren't intended to upset him. He also struggles alot with everyday tasks like brushing teeth and it can turn into a meltdown. However I feel like I'm am dealing with it well and have found techniques and routines that work well for him.
I still feel like I'm struggling with the whole idea of it, I'm worried about him starting school (even though things are already being put in place to support him). Me and his dad aren't together but I have a very supportive partner who is fantastic with my little boy. However my little one goes to his dads 2 nights a week and his dad says he doesn't see the behaviours that me and Nursery are talking about, but he will say things about his smashing the ipad in anger and other things I feel like he is in denial about our child needing extra support. So even though I have Nursery and my partner supporting me I still feel like I'm struggling. Maybe it's just because it's alot to take in or its hard to hear such awful things that your child has done or the way he is struggling so much.
Sorry for such a long post and to be honest I'm not even sure what I'm asking but if anyone who has been in a similar position has any advice.

I'm so sorry @Elizabethz1 and it is a lot to deal with and accept.

When you say he has 1 to 1, have you applied for an ECHP? It might be a good time to do it now before he starts school. If you ask @MNHQ to move this over to the SN Children Section, there are sine very helpful MNers in there who can talk you through the process.

If he's not been referred for Assessment yet, I think I'd call the HV. Tell her about the 1 to 1 at Nursery and ask her to do the Ages & Stages for 48 months.

How's his speech and understanding too?

Nursery have been very helpful and have applied for something to help with funding for 1 to 1 so that its in place for him starting school, it was alot of information to take in. Nursery also tried to refure him to CAHMs but they said he couldnt be refured until he was 5.
His speach and understand is really good though, I just worry about his emotions and the possible ADHD effecting his learning with out the right support, I will definitely look at the things you have suggested thank you.

Do you know what Nursery have applied for @Elizabethz1 with regards to the funding? I'm assuming that once he's in School this will quickly become your responsibility to make sure it's correct and meets his needs?

Did you manage to do the SLT progress checker?

I'm really sorry, really, I also faced such a situation. But actually, I came across this site recently https://wunderkiddy.com/category-parent/categories and my David really liked it there, he started sitting there, looking for something new, and as if even his excessive aggression disappeared somewhere or he became more restrained, I do not know
Perhaps he began to develop some creative skills there, because drawing and coloring help to awaken the imagination and creativity of children, and this is on this site and there are also many other printable games for kids

Nursery have applied for top up funding and early help. Yeah ive done the progress checker and most of the things he can do there are a few he struggles with.

He's been to nursery today and not had a good day, he's hit his key worker in the face 3 times and didn't want to play with any of the other children. When one child asked to play with him he said no and started throwing things.
My partner thinks that he should be punished for hitting so he learns hitting has consequences. I get where he is coming from but I dont think it will change anything, i think he hits because he gets a burst of anger and he can't control it, so is it fair to punish him for something he can't control. The reasons he hit her are for silly things, like she asked him to get his shoes on and he got overwhelmed and didn't want to, then he didnt want to come outside to me and wanted to stay at nursery. Obviously I've spoken to my little boy about hitting and he knows its not right and he feels bad about it now but at the time he just lashes out.

My partner thinks that he should be punished for hitting so he learns hitting has consequences

Unfortunately your DP seems to know very little about looking after 4 year olds. I think most would struggle to control their behaviour because of a possible delayed consequence. It's even more difficult if he does have ADHD. It's literally punishing him for being disabled.

If CAMHS won't assess him I think it's time to go to the GP and ask them to refer him for assessment for ADHD and possibly ASD. I wouldn't delay doing this OP. In many areas the waiting lists are long and the sooner he gets support, the easier it will be for him in school.

In the meantime, the book the Explosive Child should help you deal with the meltdowns

yeah me and my partner have since spoken about it and he sees my point and agrees with me, my little boy had a big meltdown and got really upset saying he hates himself. I found this really difficult he struggles alot with feelings of shame (even though he is highly praised and I tell him all the time how loved he is).
I've been to the gp and he has had blood test and I'm waiting on the results and ge also wants to send him for a mri of his brain.
Aw thank you I will definitely have a look at that I want to make sure I'm supporting my little boy the best I can.

Can I ask if your child's tests results came back? I'm dealing with a similar thing with my 4 yo son now so was curious, thank you

I'm jumping on here because you're describing my 4.5 year old son.

He struggles with his emotions and in reception he gets a burst of anger and will throw things. He had A LOT of 121 in school and he slowly understood what was good and what was bad. They had a sensory room
where they would take him to calm down and after ten minutes he would rejoin the class.

Our teacher suggested buying the Colour Monster book which is great at labeling emotions.

Our son will approach me and tell me he's frustrated or sad and we talk it through.

I know the pain and the stress it brings on you and the family but he will settle down and there will be less incidents.

Stay strong 💪

Updates all mums pls ? Sounds like my 4yo xx

My son is now 6 and in year 1. He is doing so much better. Since starting reception I saw such an improvement with him. He is still a very lively boy with lost of energy and emotions but he understands them alot better now and is able to communicate with me and deal with them better. I think the routine of school is really good for him and he seems to really thrive from learning new things. He started reception slowly and built up his hours, he also had a 1 to 1 to start with, but by christmas he was doing full days and didnt need his 1 to 1 anymore. His school were great with him and communicate well with me on his progress and now he just goes to school like normal and all of his parents evening have been so positive. He still has the odd meltdown at home but I'm guessing alot of children his age do and they are no were near as bad as they used to be he is easly calmed down and talks to me about what's going on. I hope you little one is the same and I know its hard right now but definitely reach out for support weather its school/nursery or a health visitor it helped me to understand his behaviour and see it from a different perspective.