Warning: I've rambled. And I'm sorry! This was helpful in getting a lot if it out if nothing else, so no pressure to read all of it.
I am a single mum (well, co-parenting amicably with their dad, who they stay with Fridays and Saturdays - he's now about two hours away in London). Myself and my 2 yr old DS and 4 yr old DD moved to a little cottage two months ago, and they're at nursery 2.5 days a week. Their dad and I have actually been separated for a year but up until recently we lived a few streets apart (we were renting from his parents at a subsidised amount and they needed to put it back on the market at full price which I couldn't afford, plus I wanted to be a bit nearer my parents. (they're still 45 mins away, the further we got away from London the more affordable!)
I've always tried to be a playful Mum first - (as someone with ADHD I struggle with housework anyway so in for a penny, in for a pound, I'll tidy when they sleep and try and do something with them instead. We've always had a nice time together - I either take them out for adventures or I try and do something from 'The Five Minute Mum' but lately it's been a bit challenging. The first reason I think ,is their ages. Now DS is 2 and transport obsessed, he wants to do things like play trains and cars with me, but DD wants to do puzzles or board games. It used to be that DS was happy to sit near us and watch/play with things nearby while we did this, but now he wants to join in with our game/puzzles (which he can't do because he just wants to chuck them up in the air, mainly). So I try to split my time between connecting in with him and his transport games, and her with her puzzles, but I think neither of them feel like they're getting played with enough. As a sidenote I suspect DS has ADHD too, as she's has never been able to play by herself, only with another child or adult (and believe me, this is not for lack of us trying, it's just who she is - she tends to pace in a circle like a wild animal if she's not being entertained), so if I'm trying to play with DS she's not great at keeping herself occupied.
Does anyone know how to play with both at the same time with this disparity of ages and interests? At the moment they only way we can manage this is with a lot of book reading, which we all love, but they need variation too. At the weekends they're with their grandparents as well as their dad - he's living back at home right now - and their aunts live next door, so there's loads of people to play with them and focus 1-1. I feel very boring with just me, and I know they're both struggling with the lack of just Mummy time. But in the past, they've always played with each other while I cook tea, etc. They just don't seem very happy at the moment. I know they love our home and being with me, but there doesn't seem to be much joy or laughter in it at the moment, as opposed to their weekend experience. DD has also said that she's sad our family is so small here.
DD is clearly struggling with a lot of the changes and her mood/behaviour has been quite challenging lately. Her brother - who has always adored her - has been less inclined to play with her because of this. We've been reading a lot of picture books about expressing feelings and having two homes (incidentally I really recommend Phil Earle's 'Two Places to Call Home' and Clare Helen Welsh's 'Everything Changes') as well as discussing our 'rose and thorns' each night so we get any bad feelings out, so she's good at articulating her emotions, if not understanding the root of them. ie) I feel sad but I don't know why. She had a lot of friends in London, and having close friends to play with is really, really important to her (I am also like this) - and although there are a couple of kids she likes here, I think she misses those old connections. When trying to make new friends (like on a caravan holiday with my mum last week) - she's started to get almost violent with her affection. I don't know if this makes sense - she wants to hug and squeeze, and pick up and hold hands and pull about and play 'throwing on the floor' - she's very tall for her age and very strong (Dad is a rugby player and they always do rough and tumble play). Despite the fact we've always talked about consent and asking before touching and space, that's gone out of the window a bit. She's become a bit like this with her bro too (who is also not small) and I think this has impacted how much playing he wants to do with her.
Her mood in general has got quite odd too - it's not so much tantrums (although believe me, they're happening too, but are almost easier to deal with.). It's almost as if she has these periods of being quiet and - these sounds dismissive but it's the only ones can think of to describe it - a bit mopey and needing to say nasty things, and on those occasions she has has done things quite of character, like hitting which she's not done at all, really (she was an early speaker and is very advanced in that regard so she's always been able to tell me how she's feeling which mitigated that). This is by far from all the time, but it does pop up more frequently/last longer than it has done previously. Last week's holiday ended up being really hard work, as she was clearly unhappy and ended up being quite nasty with my mum, either ignoring her completely or running away screaming and throwing things, or storming off. I know my mum struggles with how I parent her sometimes - she worked in childcare in the early 90s and believes in stricter boundaries and respect and discipline etc, but she's always kind and lovely and tries her best with my DD, who generally favours my dad anyway because he's 'fun.' But I don't want to hammer this home right now if DD is fundamentally sad.
To clarify re my mum's thoughts:
a) DD's behaviour is recent, and previously unusual for her. She's always strong willed, but when she's feeling herself she's delightful, kind, helpful and funny.
b) I have grown up v anxious with an inability to express my own needs or deal with conflict because I would get told off when I got cross. I don't want my DD to grow up like me, and so I think mum feels I've gone too far the other way. When she gets into her moods I wonder that too. Then she's back to being 'herself' (this is in DD's own words) and I feel sure I'm parenting in the right way. I don't do time-outs or anything, but I up until recently I've felt that we've brought up a kid that has learned through modeling and natural consequences, etc. I'm unhappy that with struggling with some of the mood changes, I've found myself a bit triggered and snapped more at her which has never been what I've wanted to do. I've always apologised afterwards though.
I've reached out to our new HV to see if I can talk through this with her. It's also struck me that I might be worrying TOO much, and unconsciously causing some of these issues; because I'm worried about validating feelings I'm almost creating them. Does that make sense? Is this all just normal four year old behavior that I should expect to pass and not worry about too much?
I just want the joy and laughter back into our little home.