Personality change?

[Munchkinsugarpie]

I am worried about ds who's 3.5 yrs old. He's gone from being lovable, pliable and affectionate to hating absolutely everyone (except me and sometimes his dad). He's become surly, sulky and all you have to do is breathe wrong and he'll fly off the handle, fold his arms angrily and stamp off. It's getting v. tiring, especially when he refuses to see, let alone spend time with my parents. He used to adore them. I can't think why this has happened. Is it usual for the terrible two's to not start until this late? He was a happy little soul in his two's.

Also, he's started a new morning nursery and has decided, naturally, he hates everyone there. And no - he'd gone moody way before he started. I've watched him a couple of times at nursery and he sits on his own playing away. The other kids try to talk to him, the nursery teachers are always trying to get him to mix, but he doesn't like them. And yet, he doesn't cry when he goes and seems fine when we get there. It breaks my heart to see him on his own. What on earth should I do?

[Lizzer]

Poor you, munchkin, I have no real words of inspiration but dd has just got out of one of those 'phases' when I was beginning to doubt that I'd ever see my sweet, compliant little girl again! Therefore I sympathise so much with what you're going through - I truly worried she had irreparably changed and I'd be stuck with the monster she had become, forever. Its horrible whenever it happens and I guess it must be harder as your ds is a bit older than dd. But after what seemed like years - but was really about 3 months - she came round to being 'herself' again. Hang on in there!

As for nursery, I suppose there isn't that much you can do if he doesn't object to going. Perhaps he really likes playing on his own at the moment and will share with other children when he's ready. I really think there are natural cycles at work here, and even as adults we need to take time out for ourselves (usually our hectic schedules don't allow us to do this, hence the increasing amount of stress around us.) If you can keep it in mind that he's getting something out of it for himself and try not to worry about the time he spends alone, But I know that's easier said than done...
HTH

[Marina]

We've got one of those at home...but not 100% of the time, luckily. I was told last night that I had given him a headache with all my nagging and that I had made him very sad when I declined to let him have a biscuit 20 minutes before dinner.
Like your ds, Munchkinsugarpie, ours was such a sunny little 2 year old. There is a theory that around 4 little boys get a testosterone surge that makes them fidgety, aggressive and difficult, but several people I know with boys have said that from about 3 onwards they seem much grumpier at times.
I have recently been revisiting Steve Biddulph's books "Raising Boys" and "The Secrets of Happy Children", because he takes a very understanding line with surly 3-4 year olds, and gives some good tips on when to throw the book at them and when to offer a cuddle and a story. I'd recommend them. A strategy that also seems to work with us is trying to get ds (a good talker) to think about what or who has made him cross and talk to us about it. Obviously sometimes we just have to leave him alone, scowling away like a furious little old man.
I know how upsetting all this can be at times, you have all my sympathy.

[grommit]

My dd is nearly 3 and turning into a monster - refuses to get dressed in the morning, hates everyone including me sometimes and is just such an effort at the moment. I asked dh last night where my happy little baby had gone to . I am worried that I am not disciplining her enough or correctly and that I have raised a very spoilt child. The worst part is that she really dislikes my mum who absolutely adores her...

[Munchkinsugarpie]

Thanks for your support Lizzer, it does help actually. I'm so glad your dd came around again, fingers crossed it IS just a phase. It's a bloomin horrible one though.... I know you're probably right about the nursery, but I want him to have 100 friends already! You know how it is...

I have been reading Toddler Taming, and Spocks stuff Marina, but I hadn't thought about Biddulph's books... I'm going to borrow my friends copy tomorrow. If he talks about surly 3/4 yr olds, then maybe it is a recognised phase. That's something to hope for... When I ask ds what ever is the matter, he's SO angry! It's normally that I took the top off the yogurt pot in the wrong way, or something equally catastrophic... It peaked today when he went mad at me in the car. I had to stop and ask him whatever was wrong.... it turns out, I'd looked at him.......... Oh God help me!!

And grommit... I feel exactly the same. I feel I've spoilt him and let his little moods dictate what I do.. i.e., it's easier to give in than start a tantrum... I know I know it's the wrong thing... and as for MY mum, she's heartbroken! She'd walk on glass for him and when we go round there, he insists on 'hiding', i.e. burying his head into me and not talking to Nanny... "Me no like Nanny....." I just don't know what to do! Nanny's the one who buys him all his fave toys etc.. and she really gets hurt.. what on earth can you do? ! Kids -who'd have em!?

[grommit]

I feel a bit better now hearing that other people have the same problems. Mumsnet is just like a support group! Roll on 4....

[SoupDragon]

I'd assumed that my angelic DS1 had simply turned into a 3 1/2 yo teenager!

[Enid]

Soupdragon, ditto. I am now not allowed to sing in the car 'Stop it Mummy, you are ANNOYING ME'; laugh 'Stop LAUGHING mummy'; talk about anything much 'Stop SAYING THAT MUMMY'.

Everyone, including dp and previously much loved Grandma, is met with a really impressive scowl and sulk for at least 20 minutes. I am spared that so far.

The other day when friends came round, she disappeared. I went upstairs and found her in bed with a book, saying 'Mummy, there was too much noise and they are all annoying me, I'll just have a little rest.'

[SoupDragon]

"Get me my drink NOW" was my favourite (I have to smile or I'll scream!)

[Marina]

Enid, a friend's ds didn't like the little boy who came round for coffee with his mum, so he got undressed, put his pyjamas on and got into bed with an Asterix book and refused to come out until they had gone. Don't you wish we could be so uninhibited with unwanted guests sometimes?

[Bozza]

My DS is obviously starting early. He is only 1 but when visiting my grandparents (with other members of the family also there) he went up to my Grandma, gave her a kiss, over to Grandad, gave him a kiss, then went and stood by the door. Obviously he was kissing them good bye and thought that should be the end of that and proceded to have a paddy when we didn't leave.

[janh]

Bozza, LOL, that was very clever of him actually, you can see how his mind was working - I want to go home but I don't know how to tell them, oh, I know...! - bit sad the strategy didn't!

[Enid]

Dd1 also now says 'Can we go home now?' after about 10 minutes of being at someone else's house.

Last week we were at a friend's house and she said 'Sorry X, we have to go now, I want to watch television and eat bananas all afternoon.'

[Bozza]

He's actually very good at it JanH. Its a similar strategy to plonking my slippers on my chest when I'm laid in bed.

[Inkpen]

Enid, just had to say I absolutely LOVE your stories about your dd!! She sounds delicious: articulate, determined and knows her own mind. Did she eat the bananas all afternoon?

[willow2]

Enid - lol. Had to add ds' latest - on staying the night with my mum, he refused to go to sleep so ended up in her bed while she watched Have I Got News For You. Cue: "Granny, this is boring." "Granny, is this boring?" "Yes, this is really boring Granny". "Let's watch Dumbo".