5 yr old challenging behaviour- advice

[Magenta1234]

Hi, I’d really appreciate some advice and guidance. I genuinely feel lost and not sure on next steps as she displays challenging behaviour at home and anxious tendencies at school. So school not really helping as behaviours not being seen..

our dd is 5 years old and displaying challenging behaviour. She has always been very busy and in to everything but it’s definitely more noticeable now she’s older. So here goes...some of the more recent behaviours at home:
-frequent meltdowns over anything and everything. Hitting, scratching faces, spitting, toppling dining chairs and ornaments etc.
-destructive with everything, breaks toys, colours in barbies faces, breaks plants, draws on furniture etc—can’t turn my back for two minutes or shes up to something, pouring bubble Bath all over floor, putting toothpaste/cosmetics in soap etc. Anything she can get hands on and says she doesn’t know why she does it.
-issues getting dressed everyday, will only wear dark leggings and t shirts. Then we have issues with them being too long/short/baggy/tight and same with socks. Resulting in meltdowns over the smallest issue.
-wouldn’t take old clothes off last weekend and went to bed with clothes she wore all day. Had to spend all next day trying to get them off her- resulting in meltdown.
-is really busy at home, jumping over sofa, doing flips over back of sofa, climbing. If I tell her not to do something she will do it.
-caught her weeing under kitchen table this week and realised she had done it before and we thought it was the dog! Said she didn’t know why she done it. We can’t understand why she did this.
-used scissors to cut clothes and denied it.
-meltdowns after school over the most basic thing, taking seatbelt off, refusing to put it on etc.
-doesn’t want me to talk to her in front of other people, doesn’t like any attention on herself. If a shopkeeper tries to talk to her she gets anxious, hides has meltdown again.
-shopping is horrendous, jumps and hangs from trolly, swinging upside down.
-refuses to go to parties, last time she sat on my lap and refused to mix with anyone. If any parent spoke to her she’d hide her face.
-had meltdown in ballet as another unknown adult was in the room.
-anxious going to school, bad belly and trouble leaving me.
-this is the thing though, no behaviour issues in school! She is anxious and has trouble making friends but behaviour is ok.
-when I collect her she doesn’t like me talking to her or me drawing attention to her.

She is a very intelligent 5 year old, is reading and above average academically.

Sorry it’s so long, I could keep going but would be here all night. Any advice or guidance would be great. Do you think possible adhd/asd? I feel so sad for her and want to try to help make home life better for her and her siblings 😞😢

I do think from what you've said she definitely needs an assessment.

I'd draw up a list of everything you're experiencing, pretty much like you've listed here and hopefully film her having a meltdown. Then book on with the GP and ask fir a referral for assessment fir both ASD & ADHD. Our DD was very similar, down to the stomach aches, school also didn't believe us.

Has the school asked their SENCO to assess your DD? If not, I'd also ask for that. Don't he put off by them, forks are very good at masking at school.

Have you found the SN Children Section yet? They can give you advice on how to navigate the process and how to apply for a ECHP.

In the meantime, it might be worth getting hold of a copy of The Explosive Child

Sorry @Magenta1234, I should have @'d you so that you saw my reply

I agree with @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto, definitely sounds worth an assessment.

In the meantime, there's a couple of things I'd try. I would assume she needs move, climb, and jump to help regulate how she's feeling, so I'd try to build times for this into the day and have equipment/places at home where this is okay. Perhaps stop at the park on the way home from school? Do you or could you have a trampoline (even a mini one), a swing, something to climb at home? I'd encourage her to use those things when she starts bouncing off the sofa, or when she seems to be struggling to regulate.

Clothes: I'd assume what feels normal to us is like an ultra scratchy wool jumper to her, and go with this as much as possible. If that means a bunch of sets of virtually or exactly identical leggings and t-shirts, I'd go with that if finances allow. Seamless socks, perhaps? For new stuff, sometimes washing it a few times first helps soften it up a bit.

Shopping: This could be hugely overstimulating, bright lights, noise, changing temperatures, smells, etc. Can you just avoid shopping with her for now? If not, she could try wearing sunglasses and/or a hat and/or ear defenders and see if that helps. I'd also be tempted to try bouncing/climbing/etc. session immediately before to hopefully help get her in a good place to cope.

The destructive tendencies: I have no idea if this would help as she says she doesn't know why she does it, but could you set up an 'experiment area' where the mess will be relatively contained and there's stuff it's okay to mix (cheap supermarket shampoo and cosmetics?), okay to colour on or break (outgrown or already broken or car boot sale/charity shop bits?), and so on?

Sorry, that's quite an essay - hopefully something in it will be useful!

Great post from @skkyelark

@Magenta1234 You have described ds3 perfectly. Ds1 has ADHD and I was totally convinced that ds3 also had it. I first mentioned it to the school when he was in the nursery but throughout primary he was perfectly behaved and a high achiever so no one would listen. When he stared secondary things fell apart. He simply couldn’t cope with all the crowds, the noise, changing classes, teachers and subjects every 45 mins. I was looking into home Education when we were saved by the pandemic.

To cut a long story short, he was assessed and diagnosed with ASD and Development Coordination Disorder. All the jumping, bouncing etc was him trying to regulate, not ADHD. He’s now back at school, has friends (mostly girls), is doing extremely well academically, has a part time job he loves and is planning university after a gap year. He gets extra time, a small room, extra breaks and a computer for most exams and knows he can leave the classroom if things get too much. He is so much happier. He pushes boundaries a bit but is never any bother.

Definitely speak to the school and push for an assessment. There will be a waiting list so better to get on it asap. Good luck, I hope things improve for you all.