Tantrums and bad behaviour in an almost four-year old. Help please.

[canteloupe]

DS will be 4 shortly and attends nursery full-time. He is generally a sweet, kind, affectionate boy, but lately his behaviour has become unacceptable.

He is biting and kicking children and staff at nursery and having huge screaming tantrums if he doesn?t get his own way.

At home he will dig his finger nails in my arm if I ask him to do something he doesn?t want to do, or slap me or start screaming or flounce off. Alternatively he will shout at me something along the lines of ?no, don?t speak to me like that? or ?shut up? or ?you?re stupid?.

When he hits or scratches at home, I tell him no firmly and then walk away and refuse to give him attention. This usually results in screaming and crying. The backchat I find harder to deal with, but again, usually try to walk away.

He usually says sorry and returns to normal quite quickly, but his behaviour can deteriorate within seconds of him behaving like an angel.

As far as bigger punishments go we use star charts or pennies to award good behaviour. He has a treat, usually a pack of chocolate buttons on a Friday evening. He won?t be getting it this week because he has scratched and kicked children at nursery.

On the days when I have heard about bad behaviour at nursery I don?t read him a story ? he knows this will happen and this used to be a big incentive to behave. I also took his cars away the other day when he was threatening to break his bed.

I always give warnings before I carry out the ultimate threat, but he doesn?t seem to care until the threat is carried out and then he screams the house down and begs me to forgive him.

I?m going to make an appointment to speak to his key worker to find out what is happening at nursery and to work out a way of dealing with it, but in the meantime I was hoping that some of your would be able to share your experiences with me and offer some advice as I?m feeling very wobbly about this.

Thanks in advance

I've just re read this and realise I sound really mean on the treat front. The Friday treat is a regular treat, other treats are given out on an ad-hoc basis, depending on what we have around. Anyway, advice appreciated

Have you tried talking to him about it? What does he say.
Does he like nursery?

I have tried talking to him about it. We talked about what it feels like to be physically hurt by somebody and he says he feels bad if somebody hurts him and I explained how other people are upset and hurt by his behaviour. I asked him why he hit me and he said it was because he was annoyed with me for asking him to eat his breakfast. He told me last night before he went to bed that he wouldn't hurt anybody again. In fact we had a very sweet conversation about it, but then he did it again this morning.

He does like nursery and adores his key worker, but I'm wondering if some of the problem lies with the structure of his pre-school. A number of younger children have come up to the the pre-school recently and these children are youngish (2.5) and need more hands-on care. This means the older children are often left to fend for themselves and get into fights as a result. The older children have been in the same group at nursery for over a year and I think they are be becoming bored. The other issue is DS's love for his keyworker. As there are now more children around he gets less of her attention which I think is bothering him.

Bump

could you do some role play? sit down with him and make one of his dolls start biting or kicking and then ask your ds why he thinks teddy is being like this. ask him what would make him stop.

I have done role play in the past for similar reasons. He found it hilarious, but I think it got through to him for a while. The problem is that he reacts before he thinks and he's always deeply remorsful after the event, which shows that he knows it's wrong.

I'm worried that this is a bit of a recurring problem. It happend last year when he was with a childminder and it happened for a while last summer at nursery too, but not in the way it's happening now.

perhaps if you did some role play now then all you'd need to say is "what did we say to teddy when he did this?" or some such and it would remind him that he was over-stepping the mark

the age range at his pre-school did strike a chord (my ds really started acting up in the toddler room when his friends went to the pre-school room and were replaced by lots of little ones from the baby room)
and you probably do need to talk to his key worker about it.

Thanks W&C. I think the pre-school age range could be the problem here and I'll discuss is with the nursery, I just wish ds could find another way to express his frustration.

Any ideas on how to deal with backchat?

Anyone else with any advice?

First of all, I would give yourself more credit for what you are actually achieving. If he screams and cries when you have stopped him doing something- then he is actually accepting your authority and you have won. That's why he's screaming! He won't stop the undesirable behaviour straightaway, he'll need to test if Mummy can win next time . But if he finds over the few months that it always works out the way Mummy said, then eventually he will get the message. On that particular issue. Then you'll have to start all over again with something else. Childrearing is work in progress

I can't help thinking some of the measures you describe might be more appropriate for an older child. Their attention span is still very short at this age and ideally punishment should follow straight on from the crime.

I think punishing him on Friday for something he did earlier in the week might be a bit far off for a 3 yo. Unless you have a sticker chart, so he can get the reward of a sticker on the actual day. I just don't think their memory is that long at that age- a punishment doesn't seem real unless it happens straight away.

I would also not punish him at home for things he did in the nursery. Talk to him yes, but really behaviour at the nursery needs to be disciplined straight away; they should be dealing with that. I'd go in and discuss with the staff how they react to his behaviour. They need to have a plan of action, so he learns he won't get away with it.

I have also tended to avoid any punishment that cuts out on the bedtime routine. Our family policy (even dh's and mine) has always been that we don't let the sun go down on our wrath. So whatever happens- cuddles and story at the end of the day.

As for backchat, my tendency has been to ignore it. I would just smile and say 'yes, dear, I realise you think that, but it's Mummy who makes the decisions and this is what will get done'. Eventually, as long as you are firm in your decisions, they get the message and give up on the backchat.

I used to catch hold of their hands to stop them hitting me and say very firmly (deep parental voice, not screaming) 'no, we don't hit'.

But if (that is, when) you win, they need to have some means to express their resentment that doesn't count as naughtiness, that you just pretend not to see. I draw the line at rude language and any violence, but do not (usually) react to crying or foot stamping (though I have been known to snap- one is only human..).

Cory, thank you. That's what I needed to hear. I think I've got myself in a real muddle about how to deal with this but you're right that I shouldn't be punishing him for things he does at nursery. I just feel so terribly guilty when I hear that he's hurt other children that I want to drum it home that it's not right to do it.

He and I have been chatting over the weekend and I think he's become very confused about love and having feelings for people. He feels that if somebody shows attention or affection for somebody else that they no longer love him. I think this has what has happened at nursery with his keyworker.

I'm making an appointment to see her this week and hopefully we'll get to the bottom of it.

The other thing with back chat (depending on the circumstances)is to recognise they have a point and help them express it politely.