Ds is scared of his teacher, how can we help him?

[cadelaide]

In fact, he's scared of all of his teachers.
He says they shout and are grumpy. He is terribly anxious about "doing something wrong" without realising, and being shouted at.He avoids asking a teacher for help for fear of being shouted at.
Now, what I see is an average bunch of teachers. His class teacher confesses to being a bit shouty, but she says "we're all human" and she also speaks affectionately to him.
He is 8, we are half way through his 2nd year at Junior school and it's not getting any better.
How can I help him not to be scared of his teachers?

Does his teacher know how intimidated he is? Sometimes teachers need to remind their class that it is ok, in fact important and expected, to ask questions.

Or maybe the teacher could have a quiet word with him?

Do all the children feel like this? Has he had a bad experience at some point?

If all his teachers are shouty and grumpy and he's scared of them have you considered moving schools? Sorry if that sounds too simplistic - but I do think schools have different atmospheres and if he's a sensitive soul somewhere else might suit him better.

My ds (7) was very scared of his teacher for this very reason, until I went into my first parents evening and found out that he was really hard of hearing. I explained to ds that this makes his voice louder and a bit strange sounding, and might also make him seem grumpy because he doesn't hear what you're saying. I talked to ds about how scary it must be to teach a whole class when you can't quite hear and how brave his teacher is. Shortly afterwards, he declared that this was his favourite teacher ever; he cried when he retired at Christmas. All he needed was an explanation that showed him that the teacher wasn't cross with him.

Now obviously, this is not the same in your ds's class, but is there any way in which you can explain his teachers' way of speaking that shows him he is not in trouble?

Ds a year or two earlier also needed me to explain that the teacher actually had to tell people off to keep the class in order. He admitted that the children who got told off were actually quite disruptive. Before our chats, all he could see was that a teacher was cross with his friends. After we had chatted a few times, he seemed better at making the connection between naughtiness and being told off. In other words, that this wouldn't hit him out of a blue sky.

If you suspect that ds's teachers really are a grumpy lot who shout for no reason, then maybe he should move. But if he is very sensitive, then there is a risk that he will feel the same at the next school, so will have given up his friends and familiar surroundings for no gain.

Try talking to the teachers a few times, just explaining how he feels.

You've said that you think that the teachers are actually a nice bunch so do you think that the problem lies with your son and not the teachers? If so it may just be part of his personality and he'll probably outgrow it as he moves further up the school. Y6's these days are usually really bolshy and confident - it's sure to rub off on him!

Thanks cornsilk, that's what dh thinks, but I'm concerned because he doesn't seem to be gaining in confidence at all.
I do think the problem lies with his perception, I'm actually really happy with the school and they do seem to be nice teachers. I've mentioned it to his teacher a couple of times but she just relates it to a particular incident each time and can't seem to "get it" that it's a more generalised anxiety.
I don't want to make too much of it as I feel that may cause ds to feel he has reason to worry, but at the same time I want him to know I'm listening.
I'm quite mixed up about it really, not sure what to do, if anything. I do all I can to boost his self esteem but it doesn't seem to be working.

Is this specific to school? What about outside school activities at all?

Well I've tried encouraging him to join after-school clubs but he's not keen. Last week I discovered a friend of his is a member of the St John's A.B. and so I suggested ds may like to join, he asked whether the "teachers" would be nice.

Is he generally anxious about adults? What's he like talking to other adults that you know?

He's pretty good, I'd say it's more authority figures.

It might just be something he has to get over for himself then. I don't think it's neccessarily a bad thing to be like that - I think many children have gone too far the other way!

Thanks so much for the positive thoughts Cornsilk, at the moment I'd quite like a bolshy Y6er.
(Ask me again in 2 year's time!)

My ds used to like adults but be terribly worried by any sign of conflict.

When we watched the Harry Potter films, he was totally relaxed with Voldemort and the basilisk, but he couldn't bear to watch Uncle Vernon because he was unkind.

If ds's uncle and aunt- a very loving if somewhat quicktempered couple- had a brief marital argument, he'd be ready to hide in a bush.

If we told his 3 year older sister off, he'd be running backwards and forwards to mediate.

If a teacher told someone off, he thought it meant they didn't like that child.

Since he went to junior school, he does seem to have got things a bit more into proportion. He accepts that teachers do have to tell children off because otherwise you'd end up with chaos. He accepts that grownups can get cross and still love each other. He has even (oh dear!) started throwing strops himself.

But he is still a very caring person, and I really wouldn't want that changed. It may not make life easier for him, but I think he will be able to give more to life being that way.

Had this with my DS yesterday, too - he told me a particular teacher 'makes him jump' because she is shouty and tells people off and he wonders whether it's him she's shouting at when she starts.....

so your DS is certainly not alone cad, as others have shown here aswell....

I was trying to help ds think his way round it and understand that the teacher has 30 kids to keep in check, some of whom ds admits are naughty. But it's still making him anxious and that makes me fed up because how can a child achieve to their potential when they are anxious and worried and unrelaxed? But I honestly think that it's just unavoidable, in a class of 30. Teachers have to tell kids off sometimes - I admire anyone who can cope with 30 kids at once and I know sometimes they have to get stern.

All I can think of as a way round it is private school with a class of 10 well behaved kids

But that's not going to happen in this house, anyway

Thanks Honoria, i think you're right, he'll just have to get used to it.
Hopefully with lots of encouragement he'll get there.
This has been a really helpful and reassuring thread, thanks everyone

Teachers at our school also shouts. It annoys me. It upsets my children who are not used to shouting at home. My Ds1 who is quite sensitive complains it gives him a headache when the teachers shouts, but what annoys me even more is when they shout at eachother like the teacher does. They use her exact words and copy her. I cannot believe my children are picking this up from their teacher of all people

I was talking to ds about what he would be looking for at a new school (we are moving to America soon) and he told me (amoungst other things) that he'd like a teacher who shouted a bit! Given that ds's teachers must frequently shout at him (he is the sort of child that drives teachers around the bend, although generally they love him too) I thought that was very interesting. dd on the other hand who had a serious love in with her recepetion/yr1 teacher would oint blank refuse to tell her about things that upset her (like the boy she sat next to who was disruptive). So much so that she got very upset when I said that I would tell the teacher and proposed that dd should be there. This was because she might get shouted at. In fact when I did the teacher gave dd a hug! I think some children just worry more, and see teachers as having lots of power, whilst others are more unbothered about authority. Probably the former is a better characteristic at school!