Dad desperate to help daughter with tantrums

[Aguero16]

My 9-y-o DD is very spirited and totally lovely. But she has an explosive temper that is sparked by absolutely anything. Too much Marmite on her toast, wrong type of trousers for school, etc. They can last for 30-40 minutes and she totally loses it.
She really wants to stop but none of the tactics I’ve suggested work: counting to ten, deep breaths etc. She gets as upset about the havoc they cause as the rest of us and it’s really getting her down. She’s had them all her life and we all thought they’d get better with age but they haven’t

Any tips for my combustible girl?

She does sound a lot like my DD at that age. The only things that would help her were hugging her, with her permission, or her hugging a much loved pet.

There is a Preteens Section on MN if you want to ask in there, you might get a few more responses. @MNHQ might even move it over for you

Thanks! Yes, wasn’t quite sure where to post it. How’s your DD now, if you don’t mind me asking?

Well one of the reasons I answered is that my DD dud have real trouble coming out of meltdowns, and they were that rather than tantrums. The meltdowns can be a feature of ASD and my DD is now in the pathway for assessment.

Hello. Saw your message & thought of my daughter, youngest of 3 & now 26! She was really hard work at that age. I would get her assessed by a professional as I think there may be an underlying problem. Age 9, is unusual to be having tantrums over small things such as you mention, however if she has OCD or autism, order is very very important to her. Our daughter has OCD & is dyspraxic she couldn’t read until she was 10 or 11. Here are some of the things that we put in place to help our daughter:

1. got extra help at school, particularly for help in organising and communicating with teachers - that led to a lot of key help such as time out in lessons if she was particularly restless
2. drum lessons!!!
3. lots of sport
4. lots & lots of attention (her Dad was on hand for that too)

as she got older she seemed to be able to deal with the outbursts better and timeout, counting and reflection on her own really helped.

My daughter is the most beautiful, loving caring adult with incredible empathy for others. She went to uni got a degree and now works in a fulfilling job that she loves. She has a wonderful partner, comes home regularly and makes me laugh most days.

I really hope this helps.

Thanks Dixy. The weirdest thing with Cat is that she never has a meltdown at school or other people’s houses - she saves it all for us!

I'd read up on ASD in girls and masking. Was a dream at school until Y11. She only unmasked at home.

Oh , wow, really? Did she obsess about fitting in?

Yes. Sounds like you do really need to start reading up on ASD in girls and seeing if there are any traits in your DD

Yes, you’re right. Thanks so much. How is your DD now?