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Original poster

4 year old copying older kid's bad behaviour

2 replies

M2M · 29/03/2023 18:19

I'm at the end of my tether with my nearly 4 year old. At nursery, she's got a best friend who constantly encourages her to do naughty things & not listen to the teachers. She'll copy everything this kid does and this kid turns 5 this year so there's a big difference between them and naturally, I know young kids will always copy bigger kids but it's got to the point where she encourages my one to do dangerous things.

As well as spending all week together at nursery, by coincidence, they do a music class on weekends so that's 6 days a week they see each other. One time after music class, she told my one to run on the pavement with her and there's often fast cars and my one stupidly ran towards the road and luckily, I managed to grab her in time before a car drove past. Her mum was apologetic (she's super lovely). Another time after music class, I held onto her hand as we walked to my car and this kid whispered to her: 'let go of your mummy's hand' and my one actually tried to shake my hand off! I held onto her hand and said loudly so that the kid and her mum could hear: NO, you hold onto my hand please. The kid's mum realised her kid said something to my one then picked her up to avoid any further encouragement.

At nursery, the teachers have noticed whenever this kid isn't there, my one will play with others and will behave and listen. When this kid is in, my one will play up and follow her again.

I've tried explaining to my one calmly not to copy everything this kid does but she doesn't get it. I get so angry with her but I know she's still young and won't fully understand. What do I do? They go big school this year and their first choice is different from ours but their second choice is our first choice so I'm concerned. Even if they do end up at the same school, there's an option for me to request for them to be in different classes and I know the nursery would agree too, as they advised I look for a music class elsewhere so that my one doesn't get influenced by this kid. AIBU here?

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Flo84 · 31/03/2023 12:14

Hi, I am in a similar position to you and this child may end up going to the same school as my child. The hand holding incident happened to us too but I said to the other child that my child has to listen to me. It may not help but I'm trying to think from a positive point of view and I'm hoping that my child will at some point get bored of copying or will find a new friend and will learn at a young age that they don't have to copy someone and can be themselves. I would rather then learn this now than learn this later on in life. I talk about the other children in the class and how they can do different things. My child was not playing with certain things they liked because this other child was not wanting to. It is slowly sinking in as my child chose to stay in and play with another child when the other child wanted to go out and my child didn't. I praised lots for this and spoke about how I don't play/see my best friend all the time. I spoke to the teacher too and they are encouraging different friendships. They don't always sit next to each other at lunch now either through choice. I think my kid will always be a follower and I'm hoping that they learn from this experience we are having now and will find it easier in the future.

Original poster
M2M · 31/03/2023 16:16

Flo84 · 31/03/2023 12:14

Hi, I am in a similar position to you and this child may end up going to the same school as my child. The hand holding incident happened to us too but I said to the other child that my child has to listen to me. It may not help but I'm trying to think from a positive point of view and I'm hoping that my child will at some point get bored of copying or will find a new friend and will learn at a young age that they don't have to copy someone and can be themselves. I would rather then learn this now than learn this later on in life. I talk about the other children in the class and how they can do different things. My child was not playing with certain things they liked because this other child was not wanting to. It is slowly sinking in as my child chose to stay in and play with another child when the other child wanted to go out and my child didn't. I praised lots for this and spoke about how I don't play/see my best friend all the time. I spoke to the teacher too and they are encouraging different friendships. They don't always sit next to each other at lunch now either through choice. I think my kid will always be a follower and I'm hoping that they learn from this experience we are having now and will find it easier in the future.

Thanks for the advice. You're right, I should praise her whenever she makes her own decisions. I was getting so stressed out by my one's behaviour as that kid seems to have a big effect on her and she instantly forgets her manners when she's around her. I'm trying to stop myself from nagging at her but she needs constant reminders or she'll forget and copy everything this kid does. The teacher told me she was well behaved today and they've started to separate them and it's been good so far. I asked my kid about her day and she said that kid wanted her to copy her but my one said no and that kid didn't want to play with her and my one got upset. I explained to her to there's other kids she can play with too. We've got the music class tomorrow and I'm nervous about what this kid is going to encourage my one to do this time but I'll follow what you did, I'll tell that kid directly that my kid has to listen to me and hope for the best.

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