4 year old not listening....

[user1471523870]

I don't even know why I am writing, probably out of exhaustion and hoping at least one person will reply saying they have been there and it gets better...:).

My 4yo boy has shown to have a very interesting personality since very young age. Very attached to me but at the same time very confident, smart and cheeky in all social contexts, he's very clever and he's the boy who chats with everyone at supermarkets, on the street and I get all the oowwwws that make me feel very proud. He's not shy, been going to nursery since he was very small and he knows how to share, how to take care of the little ones, he's never been aggressive, good sleeper (but not so good at going to sleep), he can now read most letters, write his name, count to 20 and make basic addition.
BUT, here is the big BUT, he's not listening. It's a constant battle at home and at nursery as he doesn't take a no, he wants to do what he wants, doesn't wait. He is and has always been (since being a fetus!) incredibly active, fidgety, restless. He never walks, he just runs. He loves sports but we tried 3 different types and had to give up as he doesn't follow most of the instructions, he doesn't want to do the warm up but go straight to the main sessions where the fun is. This is frustrating for us who have to run after him and disrupting to the group.
The last sport we tried was swimming. We enrolled him in a small group session with children his age and it was a total disaster as he would take off running around the pool, would jump in the water (he can't even bl*y swim!!) and refuse to wait for his turn.
After few lessons, we then decided to give it another go and booked 1-2-1 sessions. But that was also a disaster. We had few good lessons and he progressed incredibly quickly as he's so talented for sports, but few other lessons we just had to leave as he wouldn't listen to the instructions, keep throwing noodles in the water just for fun, diving to see the little crabs at the bottom of the pool.... The last time we went we had to leave mid lesson as he was impossible to manage and then he proceeded to have the biggest tantrum ever seen with 15 minutes of kicking and screaming on top of his lungs as he wanted to stay in the pool.

I do suspect he might have some ADS traits, but I also believe it might be a mix of personality, of being an only child or whatever. Does anyone have any suggestions about techniques that I can use to improve these type of beheavious, or had a child who was like this and then improved over time.
So far I only have one example in my family (my brother), who by the time he was 7 transformed in the chilliest person you would know.

I have a 4yo boy as well and he is exactly the same as you have described apart from the chatting as he gets very shy. I've stopped with the lessons and will try again next year when he is ready. He goes to weekly speech therapy as we have a little delay in his language development and his therapist adores him. Ds is also a emotional tornado and highly strung so when he is happy, he is extremely happy or when he is sad, it's like his whole world has fallen apart. I don't know when it will get better but today has been tough where I sent him to bed early as he tested me so much today. The last straw was when ripped all the toilet paper all over the floor like a toddler despite telling him to stop. He was extremely impulsive today.

What's your gut feeling with this @user1471523870? Have school suggested anything?

It's up and downs, isn't it? I also wondering if he's testing us, but oh boy he really pushes us to the limit!
One thing I noticed recently is that he's getting aware of the fact he's 'lost control' when he has a long spell of not listening followed by some tantrums. When I see that I can get him to reason, I just resign to make sure he doesn't get hurt (for example if I said no to jump from a place that is too high, or run where it's slippery etc) and I stay quiet and sad for a while. He notices and he immediately comes to say he's sorry and doesn't want mum to be sad and he will not do it again.
This latest development is new to us, so perhaps self awareness is an improvement?

I don't know what to think to be honest. I first thought it's the terrible twos, then they became threes and fours!
Nurseries (he went to two different ones as we moved last year) both always commented on the fact he's 'full of beans' and always 'on the go' and not listening very much, but I have consistently been told this is normal for his age, with emphasis on him having an interesting personality and being a character.
We spend a lot of time with 3 different sets of friends, all with children. When I mention my concerns to them they reassure this is in the range of normal, but to be fair when we are with other people he's an angel.

I am not a professional but reading around I suspect ADHD because of him being overly active and his impulsivity. But as this is on and off and he's very capable to concentrate on activities he likes and he gets on so well with friends and anyone really, I am not sure of the extend of it.

I suspect ADHD as well and his father and all the men in his fathers side all have ADHD but undiagnosed. They know it but they are all in their 40s now so won't get diagnosis as they've already gone through schooling (the hardship of schooling) etc but all of them suffer from anxiety and have anger management issues. My ds listens at nursery but constantly needs reminding etc. when did your little one turn 4? It's really really draining as he mentally drains me out. Is your little one really needy as well?

I suspect we have cases in the family too but as they are adults now it wasn't diagnosed. As well as you now they suffer from anxiety and they had a difficult time at school.
He turned 4 towards the end of last year, meaning he will be one of the oldest children in his class when he'll go to school, which is reassuring in a way.
What do you mean by needing reminding exactly? Mine is quite good at tasks and he's not forgetful at all, in fact quite the opposite. But yes, he's sooooo needy! As a baby and toddler he was constantly glued to me and now he wants my attention all the time.

@user1471523870 he constantly needs to be reminded for his indoor voice and stop being silly but again with tasks etc he is really good and compliant in general and haven't had bad feedback apart from the indoor voice and occasionally being silly. There are other boys in his class who are all so compliant and quiet but as soon as ds mixes in with them, they all start rolling around messing about. I'm worried he is going to get a reputation by other parents as most of them will go to the same reception class this September. Mine turned 4 last month and the 4 years have been such a whirlwind with him 😂

I also fear he's going to have a reputation, but I have also learned that things can change quickly and September is still far ha ha.

I definitely think ADHD. Especially as he responds to you feeling sad— he WANTS to do right but can’t always control it.

I’m a high school teacher and also have ADHD. I was diagnosed at 35. I wish I’d known. It’s not just medication— it’s validation. It’s real! And there are areas for the whole family and soon school to support!

Sounds like your son might need some hard, heavy play asap in the morning. Things like: going for a run to the park; tennis; trampoline. Exercise is critical for most ADHDers and obviously extra important for a child, but the above suggestions also include another OT technique: sensory output. Other thoughts could be using clay instead of playdoh at home, and if you can, consider hanging a covered canvas swing.

I’m no expert here but these are my thoughts that could be no-risk interventions.

I think ADHD too, especially as he can focus on things he's interested in. It's called hyper-focus.

Brilliant suggestions, thanks so so much! They make so much sense. Even without a diagnosis or having researched ADHD we kind of naturally worked out he needs:

• lot of exercise daily to burn all those energies
• sensory play to calm him down (he always loved puzzles and jigsaws, not really into drawing or coloring and limited interest in playdough or lego)
• proper rest. He sleeps solid 12 hours 7-7 or 8-8 since after the baby years.

With your suggestions I might try to get him to play ball/run in the garden or at the park before nursery and in the evening every day and see if by doing it consistently he'll get better.
Can I ask why clay instead of playdough?
And what is about the swing? To calm him down?

Thank you again, invaluable advice and no one every gave me specific tips like this!

Thanks for your message.
After you mentioned hyper-focus I googled it to understand what it is and if it applies to him, but I don't think so. He's focus is, how can I say...within normal ranges? He doesn't focus for hours on specific tasks, just for the right amount of time needed to complete the task.

Let's say, he loves puzzles. If you give him one he would sit down and complete it once or twice. But he's not like fixated with it and stay on it for hours.
Does it make sense?

OP, I know this is a slightly older thread but I could have written your post myself! Wondering how your little one is now?

What was the outcome? My child seems similar