18 month old getting worse with Daddy and generally clinging is becoming a nightmare

[herbgarden]

Have posted this in Dadsnet too just in case !!

DS is now 18 months and since about 10 months he's been clingy off and on and would always choose me (his mum) over anyone else. This is really hard on me as when we're together as a family the child care can't be happily shared.

Dh is finding it really hard - sometimes when DS only looks at DH, DS will scream his head off and shout "no no" as if to say "stop looking at me".

He'll never follow dh up to the bath , I have to go too. Today, I took him up, dh came up after and I then left and he screamed and screamed for about 10 mins before eventually calming down and would then let dh give him his milk and read him a story.

I work part time, ds works full time but does do one day nursery pick up and comes home does tea, bath and bed - DS is always happy to see dh when he gets him from nursery and is fine at home with him when I'm not there - it is the me being there, leaving or handing over that he won't do.

DH is getting really down about it and said today that he's getting worried, I have tried to reassure him that it's a phase, it'll pass and it will be better but I know he's on a downer.

I often leave them for a morning or an afternoon at the weekends so that they can have a bit of bonding time but conversely I don't get to see dh either !...

Any similar stories much appreciated !

i have the opposite issue, in that DS clings to DH like a limpet!

i think children go through phases of clinging to one parent more than the other

i think at 18 months they are getting into the idea of mummy and daddy being away/leaving and this can intensify their behaviours

Maybe 18m is the optimum time for this?! DD going through a phase of intense love for dh, not that he minds! When there are the 2 of us, he is the parent of choice.

I would continue with the special daddy and dd times.

Do you think I'm making matters worse by leaving him in the creche at the gym for eg? Should I go with it and not make him go or should I just go for it ......He is worse when he is teething/ill but since starting nursery last April he's been ill or teething constantly !!!!!!!!!!!

My dd1 is still like this at 3.6. She can be lovely with DH, but not if I'm there. Worse yet, dd2 is now following her lead. It's rubbish. my DH is a saint for what those girls put him through!

My dh just wants to be a good dad - he doesn't even love his job and is a complete workaholic or anything and he really cares. I hate to see him looking so down about it and he is dying to jump in and help. When he's tired though the effort needed to bring ds round just sometimes doesn't seem worth it and he occasionally just loses his rag and says "I don't know why I bother". I feel a bit caught up in it sometimes to be honest and then also can feel cross that ds is still just 18 months and doesn't realise......

Damm bloody phases!! My DS2 is 13 months and for the last few months I have been saying 'It's just a phase' but now it looks like I have to grin & bear with it for much longer.

Much like your LO, he is happy enough with another - be that Dad or the CM or grandparents when there is no choice of mum - but given the choice ie: I'm in the house, all be it in another room then that's who he wants and woe betide anyone who stands in his way. Tears'a'clock.

DH taking him off me results in screams and tears and there is only so much I can ever do with just one hand....

it really is just a phase. someone on mumsnet told me about age 3 or 4 romantic love kicks in and they simply adore the other parent...I'm still waiting, but i see a glimmer of hope (she still wants me, but she wants to marry daddy!)

My ds is exactly the same as you describe Herbgarden - nearly the same age too (19mo. He is a nightmare when I'm around and I do find it exhausting at times. He is especially bad when I show affection to anyone else, mainly daddy or my two lovely stepsons. he'll actually run up and physically try and remove the person from me! ( I obviously dont let him, but it is annoying for everyone else to listen to the screaming!) Am really hoping this is a phase, but he's been like it for when seems like AGES now.

DS is coming up for 20 months and has always been a 'mummy's boy' - especially wants me when tired/ill etc. DP just laughs about it and if he does ever moan I say "in a few years time he won't want anything to do with me - he'll just want to play footie with his Daddy, so I'm enjoying our close time while it lasts!"

I suggest you don't stress about it too much - your DS will pick up on any tense emotions and it'll make it worse. In a year or so time your DH will be moaning that he can't do anything without your DS hanging off his leg! ;-)

herbgarden - I had this for over two years with my DD1. She would do nothing for her dad - the not following dad up to the bath is such a typical thing she used to do. Anyone would think my DH was an ogre or something! She has always been incredibly clingy to me but was very anti-daddy almost in some sort of 'mummy loyalty'.

Things are now very different you'll be pleased to know! Two things changed her attitude. I just couldn't take the pressure any more and I started to get very stressed out having to do absolutely everything. DH had tried his best but she was so horrible to him he just gave up so she ended up with two stressed out parents and realised that sometimes mummy wasn't as wonderful as she first thought and she started liking daddy more. Shortly after this started I became pregnant with DD2 and when DD2 was born DD1 had less attention from me so she went to her dad a lot more. He got more confident, she realised daddys are a lot of fun and do exciting things that breastfeeding mummy's don't - problem solved .

What I am trying to say is not to have another baby to solve the problem (!) but that it will sort itself, at some point your DS will realise that daddy is fun, you will get a break and your DH will enjoy being a daddy a lot more. Your DS is still quite young but I should think the change in his attitute isn't going to be far off now.

My daughter is just like this, too! She's fine if I'm not there (DP looks after her for two mornings a week while I'm at work and they appear to have a lovely time) but as soon as she knows I'm there, it's "MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY!" at top volume. She's nearly 18 months, btw. I can't even pop downstairs to make a coffee in the morning while he changes our daughter's nappy without listening to endless cries of MUMMY and poor DP saying patiently 'She's just gone to make some coffee. This happens every morning. She'll be back soon'

I'd let him make the coffee, but he's frankly crap at it.

this is my ds! it was my dd too. They are both mummy addicts through and throuhg which is lovely of course but also a bit of a burden! ds actually pushes dh away and turns his head in teh other direction. He will actually let our decorator pick him up in preference to dh .(we are currently having tge kitchen done). hoping it wil pass but tbh it never did with dd and to thsi day she still prefers mummy and she is 10yo.

my ds of 16 mths is similar. I work part time and have the majority of childcare. Each eveing when dh comes home, he is generally ignored and takes time to warm up to dh. It does upset him sometimes. So what I do is gently withdraw and let dh take over. I get on with cooking and a glass of wine and wind down . On bad days ds will still not intereact with dh. I have found though when dh is not at work and around more ds is a real daddys boy and I am second best. Which I try not to let bother me but it does really

So really I would say is just try and get them together as much as possible and like bbm said he will realise how fun daddy is eventually.

i too went through stages like this with my ds

my dp was in tears once as felt ds didnt like him

i found as much as i wanted to run to ds if he fell or wanted something i left the room and let dp deal with it

was really hard so i found when ds was distracted i would leave the house and go for a walk

did this as often as i could and now he'll wave me off and loves being with us both

and although if fallen over he still prefers mummies kisses he will let daddy deal with him also

i just found i had to put them in situation of daddy doing lunch dinner etc and doing what i would normally do so he can see daddy is ok

now they love playing together i feel left out sometimes but i sit back oput my feet up grab a mag and breathe huge sigh of relief

go out as often as you can and pay no attention to crying as you go he'll calm down just dont let ds see you leave just dissapear then daddy can be tiggling playing games and distracting and he'll have so much fun when you return you can praise him for being so good for daddy do it as often as you can

totally normal...horrible to go through though. Up the time at the weekend between DH and DC and don't give in at bedtime- for a few weeks make sure it's only DH that does the entire bath/bed routine. Once they go up those stairs, you stay downstairs no matter how much crying you hear. Lalalalalala fingers in ears. Ask DH to come up with some fun bath/getting ready for bed games/ideas...make this something special for them to share- at the weekend, maybe he could take DC to shops to buy some new bath toys or to the library for special bed-time books...during the weekdays, get DH to call and remind DC about the exciting new games/books that they'll be playing with that night. Come up with a name/song for bath/bedtime and a game for going up the stairs to bath. Talk about it loads during the day...I know it all sounds a bit goonish but getting DC enthusiastic about it really does work. Think- bubbles, water pistols etc.
This is what we did and it took a wee while but we have no issues and now I do the bath at the weekends (and DH does dinner) and DH does it during the week (and I do dinner). He always does the story and putting down to sleep though...if I start doing it my DD asks for me every night. Just make sure you do it consistently, every night until DC has accepted daddy does bath/bed. It has improved my DD's relationship with DH sooo much. x

Honestly, if dd had rejected me in the ways she's rejected dp at various points I'd be pretty depressed. She's nearly 5.5 now and only in the last 6 months or so has she finally begun to stop being such a mummy's girl. Even now she'll get upset when I'm going to work some days and daddy's taking her to school. But when she was younger it was a nightmare. I remember being really ill and dd screaming through her bathtime as I was too unwell to be in the room with her as dp bathed her.