Have A Meeting With Dd's HeadMistress Tomorrow!!! DT1 Is Behaving So Badly!!

[magHOOVERlia74]

Dd3 (one of twins) is 8 and although a very bright and clever girl she is very challenging!!

From birth she has been more demanding than her sisters and this has continued but her behaviour is getting worse and worse

She is very volatile (sp!) and can be quite agressive both physically and mentally at home and now it seems at school

I think she has a problem with controlling her anger BUT we can't actually work out why she is angry in the first place

Just to give examples:
If going past a sibling on the stairs she will elbow them and then scream out "X!! Don't hit me!!" so it then makes it sound like she has been hurt first when she hasn't.
She will be playing nicely one minute and in a split second just flip out and start screaming or shouting in a siblings face
We have done star charts, zero tollerence and lines over the past couple of years but nothing seems to help.
On a one to one basis she can be lovely but with anyone else she is awful.
Her teacher called me over yesterday to tell me that dd is now excluded from sitting with other children in class as she continuosly says nasty things to them and alienates herself
When I talk to her about it she acts as if everyone has something against her but refuses to belive she is behaving badly when shouting, and verbally abusing other children.

I have made an appt to see her teacher and the head tomorrow after school to see if they have any ideas or can refer us to see someone, if not then will see the g.p.

I have 5 children and I love them all to pieces but I just don't know how to handle this.

She left her last school one of the top 5 brightest kids in the school and now is just plodding along academically

Just wanted to offload

Sorry wanted to add, she says a girl at school has been horrible to her and I will bring this up with the school but she says this is the only reason she is misbehaving! I have explained to her that someone being horrible to her is not a valid reason for then verbally abusing her classmates and physically hurting her siblings

She also dissapeared the other day when playing outside with her sister. Dh went frantically looking for her and dd1 found her round the corner!!

bump

Perhaps she wants more time on her own, if she is one of 5 at home and surrounded by children at school she may just be sick of being iwth other children, or feels she never gets attention?
I was thinking about possible sources for her anger..she may also feel she is subject to school rules constantly and constant sharing at home and possibly wishes she could have some sort of control over something herself?
I am not suggesting you are doing anything bad/wrong/adverse but she may FEEL there is something she can't cope with and it may be connected to being surrounded by people.
As it may be difficult for her to actually verbalise what she is fed up with/frustrated at, you could try a little 1-1 role playing away from the family and school environment.
Does she have a hobby or pastime that only she does and only she controls/relate to? This may help as it sounds a bit like she is just fed up witheveryhting and it is manifesting in inappropriate behaviour because she is too young to rationalise her emotions or see what is causing the primary emotion (in this case anger).
Most anger is caused by unhappiness so that may be the cause here.

I agree its hard being in a family of 5 kids and she does have 1-1 time with both me and dh and also grandparents.

Toady I picked her up from school and her teacher said today had been much beter, she seemed so much happier on the way home, we stopped at the shop to buy sweets, came home, dd3 and her sister went upstairs to get changed and she smacked her sister round the head

Does she ever give any reasons for the hitting etc? Has she got lots of energy she can't expend?

My friend has 3 boys and they are constantly beating each other up but they all seem to enjoy it and is part of their "boyness" I think. They have to run round like maniacs in the garden each day or they climb the walls in the house.

Does she get to spend time on her own doing stuff she really likes?

What does she say when you ask her why she is hitting out? Does it make her feel happy to upset people? When she is in a more receptive mood does she chat with you about stuff in general?
When she's acting up do you stop her dead in her tracks and point out that her behaviour isn't pleasant to those around her and adults/children will begin to not like her if she continues on with it?
She sounds unhappy and I think you need to find out what's upsetting her.

You say she says some one at school is being horrid to her.? My stepdaughter's home behaviour plummeted, hitting younger siblings etc when SHE was being bullied at school herself!

Just a suggestion to check out!

She might be caught in a sort of viscious (sp?) cycle she is finding it hard to get out of. If she is being bullied or even is without good friendships at school her self-esteeem might have been hit and it may be a cry for help/attention. Or a way she has found of getting attention?
I have a DD who behaves badly and pretends to be hurt but really she just wants some love and attention I think. There may also be issues here if she is a twin and is comparing herself/the attention she gets against that of her twin. How is the relationship with her twin? (My DD has a twin who has special needs and gets lots of extra attention.)
I am still working on things with my DD but sometimes when she is behaving badly she criticises herself - shouts at me "I'm stupid" and hides in a corner.
I dont know the answer. I am trying to give her a "way out" when she is doing something - not just criticise her behaviour but see if I can find a way for her to make amends/back down without making herself feel worse about it. Also am trying even more reassurance and attention, (especially for good behaviour) and finding her own interests/hobbies which she can get positive attention for.

Have rambled on here - dont know if this is of any use but can see some similarities so will watch thread with interest.

Also a thought - cut out sweets (harsh I know) My DD has an incredible sweet tooth compared with her siblings and may affect behaviour?