3 year old biting/hitting - need advice

[Willow4987]

I need some advice!

my just turned 3 year old is hitting/biting his older brother

he has a speech delay which we believe is some of the cause of the issue due to frustration (nursery agree with this - he’s occasionally displayed there’s behaviours there also)

he’s on the one hand a loving, cuddly sweet boy and then on the other is a typical 3 year old with tantrums and unable to manage his emotions etc

weve tried reading all the books (hands are not for hitting, big feelings books), we redirect the behaviour, comfort his brother to show he’s been hurt, eventually get him to apologise, removed him from the activity etc

i just don’t know what to do to get the situation to improve. His speech is so much better than it was even a month ago - we have little sentences now. But the behaviour is actually getting worse

he’s quite a cheeky child - if you say stop, he laughs and carries on. He sees any attention, good or bad, as a positive and as such shouting etc has zero effect on him

I just am at my wits end and don’t know how to improve this

i understand it’s partially developmentally normal (and nursery assure us it’s common at this age group) but his brother is being hurt and I want to try and stop it

any other suggestions we haven’t tried?

If he sees any attention as a positive, I would try to give him as little as possible when he hits and bites. When my DD got in a habit of doing something for the reaction, I tried to respond every time with the exact same words in an almost monotone voice. If you're confident he does know what he's done wrong (once he's not in the moment), I might even be tempted to try removing him from the situation without speaking at all.

The flip side of that is that I'd make sure he's getting lots of attention for positive behaviours, especially if he plays nicely with his brother or handles a moment of frustration in a better way. (I personally would take a very broad definition of 'better way' for the moment – hitting the sofa cushion instead of his brother is a positive first step.) Personally, if he's lost control of his emotions and having you there helps him regain control, I'd also do that, after the initial removing him from the situation and comforting his brother, but I know some children do better left alone .

@skkyelark thanks for your advice and response!

I’ll definitely give the monotone response a go and try and get a short little sentence we use every time

we've actually just started encouraging him to bite or hit a cushion so I’m hoping that starts taking effect soon.

he gets a lot of positive attention when he’s playing nicely and we’ve definitely seen an improvement with sharing (when we can keep his brother calm while waiting for the toy)

it’s just so frustrating and I feel like we’ve done something wrong and he’s going to be labelled ‘that’ child. It’s like searching for a magic key to stop the behaviour

It's so hard to prevent, unless you're hovering over them every second, which at home you can't be. And it only takes a second for it to happen, so you can feel like you're making process, and then come crashing down so quickly.

It sounds like he is making progress with the sharing, so fingers crossed it all comes together for him soon.