Help with boistrous toddlers lashing out at my two year old - overprotecive Mum?

[RosaRosa]

In the last few weeks my very placid but confident two year old has been the victim of heavy handed tactics from other toddlers at Mums and Tots groups. I'm really frustrated by the Mums of these boistrous tots not really bothering or reprimanding when their kids start to lash out. What is the right thing to do, should I speak to the Mums or let it go (which I have been doing)? Also, if, for example, another tot snatches a toy away from dd, should I take it and give it back to her or just let it happen . . . Help, I'm finding it all really upsetting, am I overreacting?

I used to say really loudly 'we Must share nicely!' 'Lets all be kind to each other!'

If its kicking etc, I would just remove my child from the situation, lifes too short for a smack in the face!

Rosa, i don't know if you are overreacting or not. All I'll say is that when my friend's 3 yr old toddler was being rough with my 18 mth old the other day, it was all I could do not to sneakily nip the little s**te!

its hard to say

I dont allow any hitting etc but I dont really mind snatching - the mums at our toddler group are all very hot on it anyway 'Hector darling please share'

nickytwotimes-you can't call a three year old a little shite!!!

Oh, that should have been "sprite"! Silly old me!

I the groups I go to we are all really good with taking the toy back to the origional child and informing that we must share.

I personally have a very confident toddler, who now take a toy to "swap" and just gives that and takes the other - he is challenging, but I would not and do not have an issue with one fo the other mums pulling him up.

I once had an issue with one of the other boys hitting DS1 and the other mum never said anything, so I did approach her about it. She informed me that she ignored his bad behaviour and praised his good behaivor - good for her, but DS1 soon picked up on hitting others and would say " but so and so hits me", so I did ask her to stop it or remove him and she did.

Oh and I also meant to add that sharing etc is not a behaviour they are born with, it is a learned behaviour. So I feel that toddler groups etc are a great way of learning this with them

It is awkward. Decide what you are willing to take, and also coach your little one to stand up for herself. I agree with the others, making a big fuss of 'we must share' can work wonders. I wouldn't go for telling on them to their parents unless you can't sort it out with hte kids, as people can be very precious about thier little ones, and other parents giving feedback on their behaviour!

I tend to go down the rather louder than average "play nicely with everyone" "be kind to each other" like maidamess.
infact a couple of weeks ago it was "no it is never right to hit someone even if they have hit you 3 times"

Phew, thanks for your support. I think I do have a very protective gene in me as I come home feeling really angry and upset that my little one has been picked on. The incident earlier today involved two playgroup heavies who dragged my ds out of a car and then wrestled each other to sit in it. The two other Mums just looked on and said nothing. I was too late getting there to intervene but managed to tell one of them that what he did was wrong. The other problem I've got is that one of the Mum's is about 6' 2" and looks likes she's chewing a wasp. Not the approachable type . . .

It's all fairly normal behaviour for toddlers, really. If other mums aren't stepping in, I'd definitely go the route of saying loudly 'Hitting isn't nice. Let's all play nicely together' etc.

is there anybody in charge you could speak to?

my 2 year old dd,having 2 big brothers and a big sister,is well able to fight her corner and it is usually the case that i have to tell her to give toys back etc.but if she does anything like that i always intervene(unless its a verbal argument with another girl then i just stand well back).

i think its wrong for mothers to just stand there and do nothing when their child has obviously done something wrong.

I am fairly... um ... straightforward, and if the bigger boys drag ds2 out of something, they either get out when I tell them it is still ds2's turn, or I ask their mother to deal with them

PS I am very nice about it, but I am assertive. The mums aren't being mean or cruel, just lazy, they maybe need reminding that they are actually in charge of their own kids.

I will step in, too, if a first time mum is trying to stop a bruiser battering her PFB but doesn't know the etiquette and can't seem to stop the child - I will wade in in my size 5 boots and jolly along with "Now then! It's X's turn, why don't you go and see if your mummy's got a biscuit for you?"

because although I am NEVER mean to toddlers, I am sometimes subtly mean to their mothers

I have a very similar problem, except its my best friends toddler (2.11) who keeps being mean to my DD (1.4) ..when his mum isn't looking he glares at her, shouts at her, pokes her and kicks her...it's very awkward as my friend is lovely but her offspring is not!!

All great advice, if only it were you Mums at my group I'd be sorted!

Yes, I agree with Colditz, they are just lazy and when their own two were having a ding-dong together, they just laughed! Most Mums are great, it's just the odd ones and most of the time they are not watching their kids (they do have more than one, however). I think it's not so bad bad if your child gives as good as he/she gets, but my dd is very laid back and walks away from trouble, although very confident. Sometimes, I'm inclined to whisper "Hit him back!".

If they are not looking and their child snatches a toy, would you take it and return it back to your child, or is that intervening too much?

blimey nickytwotimes - will you still think its funny when someone does it to your 3r old.

Other mothers not intervening is annoying. My 2 yr old is a bit full on at times and I always stop him taking away toys etc - I would flatten reprimand any adult who thought a good way to deal with it was by hurting him.

Agree the "share nicely and take turns" or "Romeo it isn;t nice to hit" very loudly is the way to go.

I've been on both sides of this with DD aged 2.4. If she is being pushed around and the mother is not paying attention I remove DD and tell the other child to stop doing whatever it is as its not nice. I dont say it in the same tone as I would to DD as they're not my child but you get the idea. I wouldnt take anything off a child if they had taken it from DD. I personally think that is going too far and not my place.

When the boots on the other foot and DD is hitting, etc I always make her apologise and if she wont (happened once) I take her home. If she took something from a child I would definately take it from DD and return to the other child.

Its really annoying when other parents dont intervene whilst their child hurts yours. But I guess you have to accept that some parents have different ideas about things and sometimes these groups are the only opportunity someone may get to have a break even if its perhaps not the best place to do so.

What really urks me is when I am telling my DD off for having a go at someones child and the parent of that child says something like "oh don't tell her off they are all doing it". This has happened a few times recently and really gets on my nerves. It's not as though I am reading her the riot act but I know she can be a bit much sometimes so prefer to tell her off before things get out of hand. The last time this happened I told the woman to ind her own business . Not normally such a big gob but it really annoyed me!

Oh dear, I must be a "heavy"..! When my DD was mauled by a couple of tykes I roared "did you ASK to play with that first?"...stunned reaction from said kids (who obviously were never spoken to like that normally) then I said "wait your turn like everyone else does".
Mums were all so stunned no one challenged me...although several afterwards congratulated me on the QT.
The tykes now give me and DD a wide berth...suits me fine.