4yo won’t join classes, shyness? Advice please!

[Pol771]

My 4yo has a brief shyness initially with friends and family but after 5 mins he’s his usual funny, chatty self. Even birthday parties he’s mostly okay.

The problem comes with group classes, he can’t stand them.
Swimming- loved it with me until old enough to go in by himself with the teacher & small number of kids, now he cries and refuses to join in at all. IF we can get him in the water (bribery) he’ll just ‘exist’ in the water and not listen to any instruction. The rest of the class are now well ahead after 5 weeks of lessons.

Gym class- disaster. Again, loves using the kids gym when I’m there for an open play session, but flat out refuses to join structured classes. Today I even promised to sit in the room with him (not usually allowed) but he wouldn’t leave my side

Dressing up at school- eg. World book day, forget it!

Football class- couldn’t stand the group running around (we had to pick him up and run holding him) ditched that class after about a year of pain

I feel like stopping classes is failure, going backwards almost. But then again I feel he’s still young and it’s fairer just to let it go for now.

Any ideas on how I can help him enjoy group activities? Is this a confidence/shyness issue or more of a sensory issue? Should I give it a rest until he starts school?

lastly- I do try not to show my frustration and sadness when he doesn’t join in like all the others. Occasionally I admit it slips out but I honestly try really hard!

Your son sounds totally normal. Did you really take a 3 year old to football? I'd say you need to wait for at least a year or so. This sort of behaviour is totally normal for his age.

As for following or not following instructions that is totally normal at his age. Personally I think swimming is best left until they are at least 5. My youngest was almost 5.5 and it took him hust over a year to go from nothing to passing his bronze badge and being able to swim 200metres. My oldest was 4 when he started and it took him 2 years to get to that stage

Sounds like my son.
Stopped swimming lessons because it felt like total waste of time and money.
Gym was disaster. Large groups of children and new instructors every lesson did not help.
I thought my son was emotionally behind his age group because no otehr child in the classes acted like that.

Oh it was only a little toddlers class, they don’t actually play football just age appropriate games with a soft ball.

Yeah thinking it’s best to skip it all for a while and try again once he’s in school.

How is he in class? Do the teaching staff have any concerns?

I think you’re on to something with it being a sensory thing. He could well grow out of it but from experience with my DC, those types of difficulties can be a sign of neurodivergence, autism or ADHD.

How is he at nursery with joining in?

I do think give yourself a break and avoid it if it’s stressful, stick to the open play like sessions you describe for now until he’s older, then try again.

The teachers never say anything, they try their best to gently involve him but it’s pretty clear he’s a little different from the rest. I often ask his nursery teachers but they’re vague and just say he’s developing at the right pace.

Yes, I think so too. He starts school September so we’ll see how we go! In nursery he’ll play in small groups (1 or 2 children) but keeps away from large group activities, 20 loud children zipping around is a bit much for him I guess.

thanks for the advice from everyone who has posted. Giving it a break sounds like the right thing to do.

FWIW OP my now 7 year old DS could be like this at 4. There were a few things he’d semi join in with - rugby tots, swimming, but he stood out a bit sometimes, very distractible. But he outright hated classes that involved singing in groups, structured things. He didn’t cry necessarily but refused to join in, and was like you describe yours at nursery, liked small groups or 1-1.

He doesn’t have a diagnosis, he’s on the pathway because of a lot of perseverance our end and I think he certainly has ADHD and possibly ASD.

He does so many clubs and classes now though! He loves his swimming lessons, has joined a cycling club which he also loves, and does Beavers and football as well. He’s not very good at football and can be distractible there but he goes, joins in, has fun. It’s a far cry from how he was at 3-4 so I’m sure in time your DS will come to enjoy his hobbies 🙂