It might sound stupid but my baby is so unreasonable!!!

[ames]

I know it's stupid because dd is only 10 months and she doesnt understand (although I suspect she knows more than shes letting on) but after another hellish day with her I was hoping for some practical advice.
On the plus side dd is a brilliant sleeper, goes down without a murmour and generally a happy child - until she cant get her own way. She backbends and sceams when put into her carseat (only used when we are going out) or highchair, screams through every meal which she barely touches apart from the pudding which she eats without making a sound. Nappy changes/getting her dressed is a horrendous struggle, with me chasing her round the room, eventually having to hold her so tightly to put on a nappy that I worry I must be hurting her. The stair gate, play pen and walker I bought to enable me to cook, eat etc have all been met with continous screaming and throwing herself about which continues for as long as she is in them. She will also only let selective people hold her and then only for the length of time that suits her (usually a matter of seconds)
The thing that really is getting me down is I'm not trying to make her miserable and I feel it really is temper as she can turn it off in an instant. I dont pick her or whatever I know the remedy will be instantly but it doesnt make any difference. She can crawl, cruise and stand well so I cant really put it down to frustration anymore and I give her my full attention and play with her.
Sorry to bang on so much. Any advice would be great.

Sorry I've not got any advice but I will be monitering this thread very closely as it sounds as though I could have written it myself about my DS,so I know excactly what you are going through,

Hi Ames, you sound really stressed out, tense and tired. Are you doing too much? I hope none of this sounds patronising but maybe she feels everything is going too fast? I think what might help is to take a day really slowly with her - & don't use the car if possible. But most of all I think it might help to assume that she's not doing anything to deliberately hurt or upset you - she isn't capable of that as she lives in a totally 'me' centred world. I'm 100% sure she loves you but is just discovering that there are options in the world and wants to try them all out at once. My ds protests against his car seat sometimes but I pop him in as quickly as I can pretty much ignoring his protests and trying to sound cheery, then give him a toy or biscuit or bit of apple or put on some favourite music in the car to distract him. If she screams through her meal she might be teething or something. If she starts to scream stop and give her her pudding, maybe - or perhaps she wants to try feeding herself with bits of cheese and bread. Or play a peekaboo game while she eats. I don't use stairgates, playpens or walkers at all, but let ds potter round the kitchen or hang on my leg while I cook (which isn't much!) and I tend to eat while he's eating - maybe a bit of toast to keep him company while he messes around with his bread and don't try anything more ambitious until he's napping. It is totally normal not to want to be picked up except by loved ones at that age. My ds wouldn't tolerate it either and I don't blame him - I'd hate to have to be 'handled' by all and sundry! Don't ever force it and you'll both be happier. I explain to people that he doesn't like to be picked up but he loves to play peekaboo etc. Just give her loads and loads of praise when she does anything/behaves in a way that you like, give in on anything that is safe and try to think the best of her and to feel empathy for a little person who wants to do everything but can't. That last tip has really helped me, esp when ds was younger and used to cry more, and I would feel so frustrated and sometimes angry. I so recommend a book called The Social Toddler which addresses a lot of issues raised in your post. Again, I hope I don't sound patronising, and I'm sure your feelings will pass.

when dressing ds I try to involve him as much as possible - asking him to raise his arms for sleevies, and saying 'hello hand!' every time his hand pops out. When I put something over his head I say, 'Where have you gone... there you are!' I tickle him when I'm putting his trousers on, 'Hello toes!', etc and really try to make a game of it all as he's not crazy about getting dressed either and gets fed up. It really, truly helps and doesn't take any longer.

I second everything aloha has said and couldn't have put it better. It is still frustrating for them being at the standing stage. You'll probably see a big difference in her when she can toddle off properly on her own, and another when she can talk. DS1 found a much more satisfying world had opened up for him when he could make himself understood and ask for things. Apart from that, it's a phase. It doesn't feel like it when your in it, but it will pass (the minute you've come to terms with a piece of behaviour, they usually change it!). The nappy changes sound like quite a nightmare though. I sympathise.

One other thing I just thought of re: the highchair, my ds isn't keen on just being put in it to wait for his lunch/tea so I usually have a different toy waiting on his high chair table when I pop him in - I say something like 'UP we go! Into your chair! ooh, look!' and point to the toy, this nearly always distracts him until I can get him his dinner (usually give him bread or cheese or bit of banana to play with/eat too). I always explain what I'm doing 'let's go in the chair' 'now let's go up the stairs' etc, and try not to rush him away from anything he's playing with - if he fancies a detour down the hall on the way to the bathroom (holding onto my hands, as he's physically at the same stage as your dd, hence the lack of stairgates though they are on order) I go there as it makes him feel independent and happy. I probably sound really 'under his thumb' but if it makes our lives easier and more pleasant with no cost, well, I'll do it. The line of least resistance works for us anyway! And as Droile says, you dd will probably be even happier once she can walk under her own steam.

Hi ames,
I do sympathize, my ds's were the same, every little thing had to be a battle. They are still just as bad when it comes to dressing and their now 4.
I think sometimes you have to give yourself a break.Just have one day, where only the essentials are done( ie. a nappy changes), and leave it at that. If she won't dress, then don't dress her.If she'll only eat pudding, then let her eat pudding, it won't kill her for one day.Don't do any house work, just sit and play together.
I often felt I should be doing this, or that, but just leave it all for a day and avoid battles. Especially, this time of year, when it's pi**ing down outside.If it is embaressing when people call, to find you in your pj's, then just don't answer the door.
I still have days like this with the boys, they love it because they have my complete attention,we just nibble on food all day,and I'm not chaseing them to get dressed or eat something. Kids will eat when their hungry.Floor picnics are very popular.
So relax, The Mothering Police, aren't going to do a raid because you aren't perfect for one day.

Absolutely Jac34, I'm often still in my dressing gown and ds in jammy sleepsuit at lunchtime. I'm quite lazy and he doesn't care!

Hi Ames, lots and lots of sympathy coming your way. Our dd didn't sleep through the night till she was one but she did sleep 2x2hours each day and would be guaranteed to kip the second you put her in a car seat and set off somewhere. DS who is 7mo on the other hand came along and was such a handful we didn't have a clue what to do...wouldn't lie down to sleep, screamed (and still does) blue murder whenever he was in a car seat, daytime sleeps are 20 mins to 45 mins with a rare hour here and there (once a fortnight or so) If you breathe too loudly outside the bedroom he wakes up. Won't sit in a bouncy chair, is only happy in the pushchair if it's moving, etc etc etc. He's been seen by a cranial osteopath and had treatment and was prounounced ok - incidentally he had a totally calm, drug free home water birth - but is just a totally different baby to dd who herself wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination! To give you an idea of ds, he has been waking in the night at 4am and screaming the place down - he is still in our room - but as soon as the light goes on he instantly stops and is fine so I can really identify with your temper comments. I even wondered if he was scared of the dark! I carry him lots, he sleeps in with us, I bf on demand...all the stuff which is meant to make for a settled, serene, calm baby but evidently he hasn't read the same books as me. Oops sorry this turned into a bit of a rant - but I can really sympathise. And I should also add he is an absolute delight, happy, smiley and gorgeous but just a tricky character.

Hi Ames, I'm another one still in pj's at midday. My postman is constantly shocked and often proclaims he wishes he had my job! I told him last time that its easier than it looks! Anyway, just wanted to tell you it does get better, I also had a ds who would NEVER let anyone pick him up, I used to think it was a phase, but now realise he's 3 and still like that. Its some personalities I suppose. Re : the highchair thing : I used to always put a toy or several on it if he was waiting for food, and raisins and little morsels to get that pincer movement going.. also takes ages for them to eat them up so you have time to serve up their gourmet lunch! However, as soon as he was able I got him a small table and chairs and found reading him a story got him into eating properly. This I gradually dropped and now he eats OK but they can be picky one minute and not the next IMO.
The nappy changing and dressing is the one I can relate to the most as it really drove me round the twist and it was when I got the most angry. I tried everything and the only solution for me was to brave it and do it as quickly as possible and show that I meant business. This was only done if we had to go out. If at home I wouldn't bother, I just couldn't face the struggle. Ditto with car seat, just get it done and quickly! If dh was around, I'd get him to do it!! As the stair gate/playpen etc are'nt working I would give her a cupboard and fill it with interesting objects she can play with while your cooking. Ds had his own cupboard filled with assorted junk which kept him happy while I cooked.
Anyway, enough rambling. Just wanted you to know we've probably all been through it and you will come out the other side!! Take care, Jessi.

Hands up - I'm a pyjama brigade member too. And ds is over 2 and a half. Cos I work from home it's not the end of the world - until they bring in picture phones for all. I think we should start a gang - say it loud "I'm proud to wear my jym jams".

Pyjama brigade ... like it ... I'm a member too ... we only get dressed in the morning if we have to go somewhere ... terrible mum aren't I?

Lovely to have so many replys.
Aloha - I probably am trying to do to much. Have recently started work (only about 6 hours a week) but I still feel I have to complete everything before I'm allowed to go!!!!!! I 18 weeks pg as well so its probably hormonal and the desire to get everything under control before the second one comes. I do try to make everything a game with dd but she barely notices my attempts she is so cross!
Everybody who has posted has made me remember I dont have to be 'perfect mother' I think I've got a bit carried away trying to keep things tidy and getting everything just right so am going to stay in my pj's today (well till I have to go to work!) Thinking about it people rarely call round because I dont live that close to my friends and yet I'm dressed and the house is always ready for inspection!
Anyway dh is on the warpath (with BT not me apparantly they are trying to charge us for something or other) so I'll go and make him a cup of tea!!!!!

Pregnant, a mother and working? Blimey, give yourself a big break and slob out. You deserve it. Pristine homes are lovely (not that I'd know) but cut yourself some slack and have a lovely, easy day. I bet things will feel totally different.

Ames - my ds is exactly the same as yours, and he is 15 months! He started doing it all a couple of months ago, coinciding with cruising and standing. I think that they get a taste of freedom in a small sense, and want to be in control of their lives.

Mine often won't eat, so I now ask him if he wants his meal (yours is prob. too young at the moment though!) If he gets excited, I take him for his meal, and he usually eats most of it. If he shakes his head, I leave it another 20 minutes or so, and ask again. He also does the back stiffening when being put into car/highchair, crawling nappy changes and screaming fits if being told not to do something.

It is hard, but it keep myself going by saying it is only a phase.

Hi Ames, Don't be so hard on yourself I too am a member of the PJ brigade and I don't care if anyone sees me in them!!It's hard enough doing everuthing else without worrying about getting dressed to sit in the house. The only way I can change DS nappy is to put a video on and let him lie there and watch it for a bit and when he is distracted go in for the kill!!

Dear Ames

just to le you know that I ahve been there too, and survived (until the next phase). DDis 18 months now and everything's been a struggle with her, from about 12 months. Exactly the same problems that you are having. AT one point it got really bad with dd refusing to eat any solids, only having lots of milk, but obviously not getting enough energy as she was grumpy and clingy all the time, she'd cry and fight for everything. I nearly got depressed, and a for a few days we have been crying together (whata sight we must have been!!).
Then it slowly got better..I made sure I was eating with her (same food), no snacks even if she had nothing to eat all day. Gradually she started eating better and her good mood returned as well.
we still get the occasional fight at bedtime or at the carseat, and she almost always fights nappies, but we have lots of fun together which is what I missed most during those awful months.
She's starting to say a few words now, and that also makes a difference. And she has become so affectionate, showering us with kisses all the time,a definite change!! An we're all in a better mood now.

Try and get some time for yourself to recharge when dh (or anyone else) is around especially since you're pregnant!! (you are brave!)

While I was pregnant with dd, I too tried to do everything, getting tired in the process and having a sroppy ds some days. On another thread someone suggested a slob out day, I had a different little boy and I still try and do it for him especially rainy days.

aloha, you recommended a book called 'the social toddler' - is that by penelope leach? I used to like PL before I had ds, but when I read the one about babies (can't remember the title) looking for practical ideas afterwards, I didn't find it particularly helpful. What did you like about the social toddler?
ds is on the brink of toddlerhood and this gives me (total book junkie) an excuse to get yet more childcare books, but not sure which will be best for this stage. Any thoughts anyone?

Elliot, it's published by a company called The Children's Project and you can buy it on the internet (& no, I'm not on commission!) do a google search and it will come up. I liked it because I had a previous book called The Social Baby, which helped me understand my ds and his capabilities. The new book is all about understanding how a toddler sees the world and interacts with others, so helping parents to meet their needs more accurately leading to less aggro and more fun for everyone. It is picture led, using video footage of real toddlers in real situations (climbing furniture/tantrumming/running riot in the supermarket) which is broken down to show exactly what's happening and why. The text offers practical solutions and ideas on how to turn around 'bad' behaviour. It's not rocket science, but because the people and children are all real, you can see how the basic tenets of toddler 'taming' - eg: praise good behaviour and ignore bad - can be used in the real world and in specific circumstances. The book is very pro-child, which I liked, but is definitely aimed at making parents' lives easier. OK, sell over! It's currently being borrowed by a friend with a very spirited nearly two-year old, so I can't remember the author. I wonder how she's getting on!

Thanks for that. I looked on amazon and when it came up with a book of the same title by PL, I must admit I was a little disappointed!!
Practical suggestions are great - I especially like all the ideas on here about how to play with babies/toddlers. My ds is so good at amusing himself I sometimes feel I don't make enough effort with him!

found it! There is a foreward by PL but I think I can forgive that

I agree, in fact I think the next Mumsnet book should be 101 Things To Entertain Your Baby & Child - devised and tested by real mums and their children. The idea is free of charge!

Just a quick update. DD has been far more 'reasonable' this week! 4 new teeth arrived within a couple of days of each other so I guess this would explain the not wanting to eat much, but we have been giving her far more finger food (actually most of it would not be considered finger foods for adults but at 10 months no one minds if you eat with your fingers!) most of which has met with DD approval. I've also found that if I let her relax into her car seat rather than beginning a struggle with it she makes less fuss. She now has a box of wooden spoons etc in the kitchen to play with whilst I make the dinner (unfortunatly we dont have enough cupboard space as in the suggestion) and although I'm not yet a member of the PJ brigade, DD has become a member on some days (incidentally I have noticed that DH is a comitted member of the dressing gown brigade!) Anyway at least some peace has been restored.... for now anyway! Thanks for all the posts!