Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Shy child (age 3) with no confidence

20 replies

mcfee · 08/02/2008 11:45

What can I do? Bright, articulate dd age 3 who cries when left at nursery (although she is happy there) and refuses to go to a dancing class (although with a friend who she loves to play with) and refuses to go and join in at parties etc etc. Does the old climbing up mummy's leg trick! She says things like 'I don't know what to do' whereas all the other kids just join in and do what they feel like.
How can I teach her just to join in and it doesn't matter if she's doing it all 100% correct?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

juuule · 08/02/2008 12:04

How about just giving her time. She might not be ready for all this for now. Another 6 or 12months and she might be fine.
You could go to parties with her and let her sit on your knee. Let her venture off in her own time.
If she doesn't want to go to dancing class don't force her. Try again in a few months.
Does she have to go to nursery? How is she once she's there. If she's really upset I wouldn't send her..yet.

Original poster

mcfee · 08/02/2008 12:29

She does have to go but after the initial drop off she's fine and loves it and comes home and we play at nurseries with all the teddies eating up all their lunch for a sticker etc etc. Part of me just thinks if she would give something a try then she would be fine you know, like if we could get over the first dancing class or Sunday school. But they're obviously not environments where you can drop and run! (At least nusery know her and are geared up in the mornings for several kids the same)

OP posts:

juuule · 08/02/2008 12:32

She can't be the only 3yo that they've come across who is reluctant. Couldn't you come to an arrangement where she was taken in by someone else for a couple of times until she got used to it? Could the friends mum/dad take them both for a couple of weeks? Something like that?

SheherazadetheGoat · 08/02/2008 12:33

agree with juule she just needs more time. dd was like this (still is to some extent) i used to really fret but tbh there is nothing you can do and forcing the issue will only make it worse.

chipkid · 08/02/2008 12:33

you have to let her develop her confidence at her own pace.
My dd is also like this-my ds wasn't so a new thing for me too. But I know that she will come round eventually-at parties I sit behind her when she plays games like pass the parcel or she wouldn't join in-then I move away as soon as she is emersed in the game.
I would leave the dancing until she is older as she clearly is not ready to join in.

Don't fret-let her blossom in her own time -she's only 3

SheherazadetheGoat · 08/02/2008 12:34

buy books that tackle this issue dd has recently really responded to discussing books. a good one is 'who will comfort toffle?'

Original poster

mcfee · 08/02/2008 12:41

Just had a quick look online for that book, the reviews looked good, will try it thanks. I think its maybe more my problem in that I don't want her to miss out on anything (and I really really want her to go to Sunday school!!) I get fed up of being the only parent at a party having to kneel with a child in my knee playing pass the parcel! Have tried sending her with DH and friends but to no avail. Is this her character or have I unwittingly managed to make her like this?

OP posts:

juuule · 08/02/2008 12:50

I think you are correct in that it's more your problem. It will be her character and nothing that you have done. Some children take longer to 'join in' and some always prefer to take a step back. Time will tell. I do think it's good to offer and encourage things but it's also important to take your lead from the child. If she's uncomfortable in these situations on her own then either be there for her or let her give them a miss for now. That's what I would do.
Another interesting book which may or may not apply is The Highly Sensitive Child. While your child may not be 'highly sensitive' I think this book is good at letting us know that being shy isn't a bad thing.

Original poster

mcfee · 08/02/2008 12:56

cheers, have just done the online questionnaire for the Highly Sensitive Child and answered YES to 17 out of 23 questions. So fairly conclusive I think.
HHHmmmmm time for me to buy that book too and have a word with myself.
She must take after DH....must be his fault..LOL

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 08/02/2008 13:39

totally agree with what juule has said on this thread.

Lots of children at this age are not too confident, it's perfectly natural and I think it's to do with a natural, sensible instinct of staying close to your care-giver because you are too little to care for yourself yet!

So don't fight it at all, give her all the reassurance she needs and don't even think of 'classes' yet, all that can wait for YEARS yet!

Acinonyx · 08/02/2008 16:04

My dd is just like this and I am always the one with a dc on my lap at parties - or anywhere in fact. I was so completley not like this I have found it alarming - but I accept it's her temperament and just try to make her feel as secure as I can.

I think I'll look at those book suggestions too.

Acinonyx · 08/02/2008 16:05

Hmmm - I remember though that my mum wanted me to do dance classes when I was about 5 and I was just totally horrified and wouldn't join in - she gave up. The sparkly shoes were great though.

poshwellies · 08/02/2008 16:14

Second juuule with her book suggestion,its a really excellent read for parents with sensitive children.

My son (5yrs) was painfully shy,cried at strangers who would stop and speak in the street,shook with intense shyness at nursery and basically would avoid all eye contact with anyone outside our family unit.I never pushed or kept him away from anything.Just left it to him to decide on joining in or sitting to the side.

He started school last september and he has completely come out of his shell,although still quite shy,he's nothing like the shaky anxious child he used to be.

Reassurance and understanding is very important.

Original poster

mcfee · 08/02/2008 16:15

The thing is that my DD really wants the ballet shoes and the 'tippy tappy' shoes that her friend now has and saw a DVD of her friend's Christmas show and has been pretending to be in it ever since so I just KNOW that if she would join in for ONE class she would love it. (I spent 3 classes with her clinging to me until other small ones started to get upset that their mummies weren't there to so had to call it a day)

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 08/02/2008 16:33

Oh bless. I remember how I craved the shoes.

But sounds like she just cannot cope with the joining in aspect. Not yet anyway.

HonoriaGlossop · 08/02/2008 16:38

just get her the shoes to play with at home!

Shizaru · 08/02/2008 16:49

Its okay to be reserved and quiet. (I hate the word "shy" because it always has negative connotations). The confidence will come when she realises (with your help ) that it's okay to sit back and observe before joining in.

She'll be confident if she feels that she isnt doing anything wrong, so trying to peel a child off your leg, or insisting they join in will send a negative message to her.

Reserved quiet ones have a great propensity for being deeply caring and thoughtful, and it's a really positive trait.

We can all be extroverts after all

The book Juules recommended is a good one "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aaron.

Shizaru · 08/02/2008 16:51

Sorry - that should have said "We can't all be extroverts, after all"

Original poster

mcfee · 09/02/2008 21:30

maybe she's already embarrassed by her mum being an extrovert so she's already trying not to be!!
Interestingly, spoke to MIL today who confirms DH was exactly the same therefore I vote that he takes DD to everything from now on as payback! Must be in the genes, at least she will be OK by the time she's 25!!!!

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 10/02/2008 10:04

Apparently my dh was shy as a child. Dd must get it from him - certainly not from me!

Flip