My five year old daughter has been wetting herself regularly since she came out of nappies. By regularly I mean she's always had a problem with going to the toilet. She knows how to go the toilet and she will go sometimes but other times (and this goes for poo and wee) she will hold onto it until she can't wait any longer. She will sit on the floor, and hold it and then when it's suppressed enough to stand she'll say she doesn't need the toilet now but she'll have wet knickers because a bit has leaked out. She's never pooed herself though. She's a bright girl and I can have a conversation about it with her. She says she doesn't know why she's doing it. Personally I just think she wants to be a kid and doesn't want the toilet getting in the way of that.
My wife and I have tried rewarding dry days with praise and treats but now my wife is becoming increasingly frustrated and is now scorning our daughter. I feel terrible because I know dd doesn't do it out of spite or for attention because I know she'd rather be dry than wet so I can only see scorning as having a negative impact on her mental health and self-esteem. I deal with it in a way that acknowledges she doesn't do it on purpose and talk to her about it to see if there's a way she could try to work towards getting to a toilet if she needs it and I'll even say "Ok so you've had a accident this time but you can try again" or "I understand it's not something you want to happen but sometimes it does". My wife thinks this is giving our dd a free pass to wet herself whenever she feels like it.
It's probably worth mentioning that she wets the bed too, as I did and my two adult children did.
I just feel at a loss and would appreciate some guidance as we love our DD and don't want to screw things up.