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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS Won't hold hand at Kindergarten walks

19 replies

thequietone · 07/02/2008 12:31

I'm taking this waaaay too personally. Teachers are getting a bit fed up with my DS. He's only been at KG for his 4th week and doesn't speak German yet either. He refuses to hold their hand and falls to the floor crying and rolling in the mud! He holds my hand (most) of the time, and when I ask him to hold their hands he says "No". Anyone have any suggestions to solve this? I've tucked him in for a kip and have said we'll go for a nice walk this afternoon together to practice holding hands, then he can go to KG tomorrow and tell them he can do it. I'm giving birth in 18 days and will eb in hospital for a while. I can't bear these extra stresses right now. I wont' even go into the toilet training they also moaned about...Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh

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MrsDandOllie · 07/02/2008 12:36

Will they let him wear a wrist strap instead of holding hands?
My DS hates holding hands (even with me) but is ok on a wrist strap and his nursery are ok with that - he is 2 though, not sure how old your DS is?
Sounds as though they are rushing him, when he needs a bit more time to settle in and feel comfortable there, especially with him not speaking the language. Can you have a word?

Original poster

thequietone · 07/02/2008 13:00

DS is 3 in 3 weeks. They don't use wrist straps there (and he hates restraints of any kind too). I think they're rushing him - he's still very much a loner there as he can't understand everything. I'm sure it must be trying for them but the poor thing has so much on his plate to deal with there. They also told me this morning he needs to be able to go to the toilet on his own by 3 yo. I'm about to give birth any second and am trying my hardest to toilet train at home. He's 3 in 3 weeks for god's sake. I'm doing my best and I feel like I'm doing a really terrible job here....OK there, I said it.
I'm having German lessons too so there's also the language barrier for me. I can't discuss these problems in detail. In his Uk nursery I could chat it out, but I feel like I'm being told off.

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NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/02/2008 13:01

He won't want to hold hands with someone he doesn't feel comfortable with. If he has only been there for 4 weeks he has barely started.

finknottle · 07/02/2008 13:10

Is there any other boy he likes playing with whose hand he could hold?
How often do they go walking? He is v little, here the under 3s stay at kg when the older ones go out.
I know it's hard with the language but stand your ground. Tell them it's such an upheaval for him, you're trying fgs.
They are paid to deal with children - don't let them browbeat you.
Speak from experience here, it's hard when you're pg and limited language-wise. And they make you feel like it's only your difficult child.
Stick yer chin out at them 4 weeks is nothing.

finknottle · 07/02/2008 13:16

The all day under 3s (iyswim) go in a group together, just remembered and the teachers don't even try to get them to hold hands, just stay close in a small group and they don't go anywhere near roads.
If he doesn't want to, can't he stay in kg? For a while anyway.

Original poster

thequietone · 07/02/2008 13:20

Thanks everyone. The reassurance makes me want to cry! DAMN these hormones...
DS hasn't yet made friends there either. He's happy there and has stopped crying when I leave. He's eating too, which he didn't at first so that's a good sign. He sings German songs and uses quite a few German words for 4 weeks in. I just get the impression the kids there are so quiet, so DS must seem noisy. He likes to sing and talk to himself and be a little boy! He really wants to be a friend and likes to shake his classmates' hands.
He does seem smaller/younger than the rest of his class, maybe by about 6 months, which is a long time in development terms.
God, just imagine what he's going to be like when I bring home the new baby in a couple of weeks...

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Gipfeli · 07/02/2008 13:22

Um, would bribery work? At that age with ds a promise of a sticker would work.

I know what you mean about feeling like you're being told off. I feel like that about ds (nearly 4) at his Swiss daycare when they complain that he doesn't start with "hello" in the morning but just launches straight into whatever he wants to say, or goes all shy and won't speak. So I bribe him - he gets one smartie if he says hello in the morning and one if he says goodbye at the end of the day.

Tbh I'm not entirely sure I approve of this approach but I also think if he helps get over this "problem" that they perceive him to have that I'm not worried about at all, then it's just better all round. They're happy, I don't get told off, ds gets two smarties and even dd benefits because she also gets the smarties!

MrsDandOllie · 07/02/2008 13:23

Have you got a friend who speaks fluent German who can go in with you and help you get your thoughts across in the right way?
Do they speak English at all? Just wondering if your DS is being understood at all if he is trying to talk/ask for things of them? If not, maybe thats not helping him feel comfortable enough with them to hold their hands?

Original poster

thequietone · 07/02/2008 13:45

I have got some German friends but they all work, and I appear to be the only fluent English speaker in town. They do speak English, and one teacher is particularly fond of DS, but she's not the one coming to me with his "problems." I might try and ctach her tomorrow to talk as she's more tolerant than Boss Teacher.
I think I need to keep reminding myself that it's still such early days and as long as I don't ignore, but continue to tackle the problems then that's the best I can do.
I think I need to cheer up!

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finknottle · 07/02/2008 13:49

def go to her, harp on the:

he's new
he's 3
diff language
mum pg
stress last thing needed for mum and toilet training
Tell her it's stressing you out.
If she doesn't have a heart of stone she'll help you

finknottle · 07/02/2008 13:53

The Boss is just being Bossy. Less work for them if all are toilet-trained.

Ds2 was v shy & wouldn't ask for something as his then teacher was always v crabby and I told him it was her job to help him, that's what she was there for. He looked so surprised - was 5 I think. Anyway, he steeled himself and I remind myself of that when I'm being browbeaten
Cheer up

Original poster

thequietone · 07/02/2008 13:54

I felt so pathetic there today, I just kept saying " I'm sorry" in German over and over and "I'm trying" in English.

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finknottle · 07/02/2008 14:10

No no no to "I'm sorry" Makes them even Bossier.

Chin out, you're not pathetic. They're being unreasonable Get the nice woman on your side.
Do not apologize again! Turn it around to an assertive "Ich weiss, wir arbeiten daran" (I know, we're working on it) They're not doing you a favour remember.
Give your ds loads of hugs and encouragement and bribery/rewards. Try not to let him see it's getting to you.
Tell the nice teacher things she may not know that ds likes that she can use as encouragement.

Original poster

thequietone · 07/02/2008 19:24

Well I'm frankly baffled. Had a 100% success rate once home. 45 minute walk in the sunshine and held my hand all the way. He even went out in proper pants with no accidents. When back home, still no more accidents for the rest of the day, did everything on the toilet.
So he's obviously not settled at KG and this is reflected in his behaviour. Finknottle, I'm going to practice your phrase (thanks for that, very useful) and walk in with my head held high tomorrow. Damnit, DS is the one with the hardest challenge of all there, I should be proud, not sorry!
Thanks everyone x

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trockodile · 07/02/2008 19:42

Good luck -it is very hard to be assertive when you are not fluent. I am planning on learning that phrase from Finknottle-I am still at the 'i am so sorry for even thinking of applying to your kindergarten stage!'
Thinking of you-it is bound to take a while to settle in (for both of you). And remember, Germans(generally speaking) are very direct/blunt -she may not mean anything by it.

finknottle · 08/02/2008 09:17

Hope it's better today - poor lad.
It is teeth-grindingly awful when you can't express yourself.
Re the tone, it's true, German is much more direct and I still get taken aback at times even though I know it's not meant as rude. We're also in a much more laid back part.

I learnt to stop my weedily faffing "I wonder if I could possibly..." and just make short sentences.
E.g. "The (thingy). Was on letter. Ds will do it. OK?" Smile.

Original poster

thequietone · 08/02/2008 09:42

Much better today, thanks. DS walked all the way to KG holding my hand, so I had a word with Teacher, said we've been out twice since yesterday and he's been perfectly fine. She started to moan again about how he cries and lies on the ground and I said that I don't understand why he is doing this to them but that "wir arbeiten danan".
I think you might be right about the tone over here. Much more direct about a problem. DS was told off twice in nursery back in the UK for trying to hit, but I was able to discuss frustrations at home at that time (DH away on business all the time). This really affects him. In fact DH has been away the last 9 days so again that could be a factor. He's beside himself with excitement today that daddy's coming home.

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finknottle · 08/02/2008 10:14

Still grotty that teacher doesn't seem to make allowances. Patently obvious really.
Dd used to get all upset with wailing and gnashing and sobs when she started because no one could understand she wanted e.g. the scissors and didn't know/couldn't remember what they were called.
The teachers would patiently go though a whole stack in their (frankly limited) English and were never anything but kind, kept her on their knee, little treat etc.
They never once said, why doesn't she just show us or go and fetch whatever by herself. Understood her frustration.

Frankly if that woman's moaning bec a child lies on the floor and cries, then hard cheese. I saw 2 doing that this morning

Original poster

thequietone · 08/02/2008 12:32

Exactly, Finknottle. I can't believe DS is the first chid ever in that KG to kick up any sort of fuss. Unless all the kids are doped up by their parents before being dropped off. Turned up the other day to find one boy refusing to leave the climbing frame for lunchtime. Teacher was trying to persuade him down. Difference in approach is because said boy is the Head Teacher's son! Bet she wasn't called aside for a word...
Sad but interesting story about your daughter. I wonder what DS really wants/needs when he's crying out?

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