Any tips for dealing with a child who doesn't find it easy to confide in you?

[GrapefruitMoon]

It might just be her age (nearly 11) but I know I was like this as a child and teenager so I am keen to find some strategies to help me get dd to open up more - especially with puberty looming!

Is that book "How to talk, etc, etc " any good for this?

I think there is some stuff going on at school with friendships groups changing, some girls being mean to others, etc. I don't know whether she is oblivious to what's going on/feels able to deal with it herself but I am finding it harder to get her to open up. I don't know that she is unhappy in any way but I would like to think she could/would confide in me if she had any problems.

Any ideas?

Strike up a conversation while you are both doing something else, like in the car or walking or cooking or something.

Ask indirect questions, talk about yourself, tell a story about something that happened to you at school at this age.

Don't make a big deal of it.

Get her a diary to write in. It's up to you whether you chose to read it or not

I think letter writing is good. I sometimes write ds1 (same age) a letter - but usually this is about something specific. That came out of the How to Talk book, it's blardy marvellous idea because they don't have to instantly formulate a response. And then they can always write you a letter back.

Let yourself just be there, in case. Work on your relationship just generally - do nice stuff together so she can talk to you if she needs to.

You know, I'm sure she would if she needed to.

I do a lot of your suggestions already 100times - I suppose it bothers me that I almost have to be sneaky to get information out of her - I would prefer if she came home from school and said "such and such happened" rather than me getting a feeling/overhearing something and then having to delicately prise it out of her....

yes the book is helpful for children like this.

Oh good, I've ordered it today!

no no no don't read her diary!

if all your overtures fall flat then maybe she is just a self-reliant, closed book sort of person?

I haven't read her diary but from stuff she's said I think it's more of the "I went to the cinema and had popcorn" sort of thing, rather than pouring out her innermost thoughts...

I suppose it's because I was not very happy for several years when I was a pre-teen & teenager but don't think I ever talked to my mum about it. Tbh I don't think she would have been a whole lot of help (but that's another story!). I was just hoping things would be different for dd..

There is such a difference though between a child that can't talk to you and one that doesn't isn't there?

If you feel you have a trusting and loving relationship then she should know that she can tell you things when and if she wants to.

Perhaps stop trying to prise things out of her and just leave the door open.

The book is good about watching your own responses - ie. not giving advice when they tell you something. I've found that helpful. I have even said to ds1 'will you tell why you are sad if I promise not to say anything afterwards' and he laughs, and then says and I nod and say 'yes, that is difficult.'

could you do a worry box where she can write down what her problems are and you could read them of a night and give advise without her actually having to tell you

opr you could tell her of your own experiences and what you did so your not actually telling her what to do

I would concentrate about talking to her about what she feels comfortable with. Just make sure there are lots of fun things you share and that the door is left open. If you try too hard, you may make her feel that you'd react too strongly/interfere/force advice on her if she did tell you things. She is growing up and needs her own space, as well as needing someone to confide in.

I have a dd of 11 who is actually fairly communicative. But then she knows I accept that she won't tell her anything and that she doesn't necessarily expect me to do anything with the information she does dole out. She can talk to me at length about the ghastly fallings-out she's had with her friends and yet know that I won't be remembering that next time I see her friends.

We also have a general family habit of asking each other at supper time 'did you have a nice time at the office, dear'? (joke from the time when dh and I were both doing heavy manual work), but noone is pressured for an answer.

I found when dd turned 10, she started to need more independence, things like walking down to the shops or the library. Difficult to organise as she is intermittently disabled, but I do try hard because I can see she really needs it.

Thanks for all the advice - I think I'll try to take it easy with her and see how it goes....