Ukrainian guest's kid

[claudd]

My Ukrainian guest's child (5 yo) does not go to bed until the mum does, which means there's no possibility TV or adult conversation in the seating room (dominated by children's TV and child play) in the evenings. More worryingly, the 5 year old child has free-range of sweets and crisps and anything they like. They have already had a teeth operation in Ukraine. Has anybody had similar experiences when hosting Ukrainians? Don't get me wrong, the kid is lovely, but he parenting style is so different. Is it cultural? How to intervene in a way that will not upset the mother?

I haven't got experience but agree with PP, you need to speak up.

Thank you!

Just seen this. We hosted a family and exactly the same , children did not go to bed until 11 or 12 even on school nights. Didn't sit down for a meal but ate sweets /biscuits /cake all day and took up to their room. With consequent tooth problems.
We had to ask them for an earlier children's bed time just so we could have a couple of hours adult time. Unfortunately all that meant was playing and eating in bedroom instead . It's a common problem and best addressed before you get too frustrated .

Thank you for this. The sweets situation has changed slightly now, as we have a couple of stern conversations. The bed time issue is impossible, as apparently the child can't be alone in their bedroom because of trauma when having to evacuate to bomb shelter. Fortunately, we have a big bedroom with TV, and a separate study, so we can remove ourselves if necessary. If we have other visitors, they remove themselves, so we have sort of reached a workable compromise. Overall, everyone is happy.

My other big tip for harmonious living is seperate fridge and food cupboards . we bought a second hand fridge. Otherwise we got very frustrated with huge amounts of cooked food in fridges etc and no room for our food.

Yes similar issues! 5 y o who is rude; a lot of this seems down to cultural difference (I found it helpful when finding out literal translations - it’s all ‘I want food’ - no nuance, please/Ty not used as commonly as here. So when he says I want drink, this is a normal way of asking, just translated. So I’m tolerant of language. And now just find rudeness in other things!!!) but he is incredibly demanding and takes my children’s toys to his room (we have provided loads of toys for him - their room is big enough to play in). I insist he asks for things politely, and ask him to eg. clear his plate - I am the only one who does this.

Food - lots of sweets, chocolate with most meals. He is tiny. The meals mum feeds him are v healthy and filled with veg so I guess it all works out; it’s not really my business.

Bedtime - I know you say you have resolved the issue, but are you happy with this arrangement? It turfs you out of the living room that you are paying for. I have a no screens after dinner rule for my children which I initially I didn’t extend to them (diff family, diff rules) but now do as I found we were being turfed out. This has proved genius as there is no particular desire to go in the living room for him after dinner! We do have a playroom which is also filled with toys.

I am very clear on bedtime; I tell him it’s bedtime and he needs to go up. Mum goes up with him and does stuff on her computer when they go up. I have put a tv in their room and pay for a skybox and I am aware that he watches tv up there when I send him up. We have an older Ukrainian guest child who puts herself to bed; she is no bother and stays up with our children, but again goes up when I announce bedtime for all. I don’t agree with their bedtimes being so late, but again, it’s none of my business and is a cultural difference.

In your position I would just start to reclaim the living room. Explain that you want to watch something unsuitable for children which will force the mum’s hand. Appreciate that her child doesn’t want to go up alone, but this should not be your issue; mum should go up too.

Hope it gets easier for you.

I have the opposite. My guest hardly ever sits with us. I wish I could start over again with ground rules. One of which is no food in bedrooms. I didn’t allow my children and now my grandchildren to take any food but my guest does. I think the mistake I made when they came, is to be too kind. Hence, my guest takes her meals into her bedroom, doesn’t wash up or clean. Her bedroom is a disgrace- I have to go in because when she goes out she always leaves her bedroom window open. I have told her but she continues to do it. She is leaving in July so not making much of it as she’ll be gone soon. I think on the whole, we have all done well. Putting together total strangers and expecting it to be plain sailing is just never going to happen. Think it was Mark Twain said, a guest is like fish, it goes off after 3 days! Everyone needs a Pat on the back, and that includes Ukrainian guests.