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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What do you do when your 2.5 year old hits his pre-school teacher?

19 replies

PanicPants · 06/02/2008 21:01

And other children? Nearly everyday?

At home he is fine, loving and generally a good boy. At cm and preschool he is a horror most of the time.

We've had every phase going, he used to bit all the time, that has calmed down a bit, but seems to have been replaced by spitting. He has been hitting for quite a while now and although he reponds well to time outs, he will be good for a bit then start the hitting etc again.
This is always directed at other children (or if cm/preschool teacher tries to intercede when he is hurting another child.)

He is incredably stubborn, but I think we don't see the problems at home as he is an only child.

Any suggestions? I'm sick of all the negativity whenever I pick him up from cm/preschool. It's just such a black cloud that hangs over me whilst I'm at work.

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Original poster

PanicPants · 06/02/2008 21:02

bite

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Original poster

PanicPants · 06/02/2008 21:13

bump

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Heated · 06/02/2008 21:26

Poor you. Ds bit a couple of times at home and then at nursery (mortifying ) and we had a calm chat about not doing it as it was naughty and made mummy and daddy sad. It's not nice to be bitten is it? etc. Also give the time-outs time to work. Although what actually cracked it was when dh yelled so loudly at being bitten & scared ds so much he didn't do it again.

Can I ask how are his language skills? Ds's friend at nursery was a bit of a fang merchant/hitter due to frustration of not being able to articulate what he meant.

bossybritches · 06/02/2008 21:28

Panic pants could be they're not handling it at all well &now they're all on a downward spiral as he is labelled "naughty"

Could you consider moving him to another pre-school? What does your CM think?

Cleenaghan · 07/02/2008 07:52

Know just how you feel.My 2.5 year old constantly pushing hitting etc.He mainly directs this at my friends 4 year old twins who displayed exactly the same behaviour at this age and he was a 1 year old was on the recieving end. I just keep timing him out for the bad and rewarding the good. I read christopher greens toddler taming when feeling completely deflated. it reminds you that it is normal behaviour and does not mean he will end up in prison as an adult.I think you should talk to the pre school teacher and say that they having studied child development will know that this is normal for a child of his age . You understand that he needs a clear message this behaviour is unacceptable.However on the flip side you or worried that only recieving negative attention will damage his self image and that you are concerned that he will be labelled a naughty child and then live up to his label(self fulfilling prophesy). I would also look into alternative child care such as montessori before talking to them and if you have found somewhere you are happy with say you are so worried about how it is being handled that you are considering moving him . I would give them a chance to put new strategies in place but if it ends up same old story i would consider moving him.

mrsgboring · 07/02/2008 12:29

Does DS have to go to the preschool? If so, take him out, as he sounds too young to be put through this sort of social torment. It's hard being sociable all day long even when you're not 2.5. He's probably tired.

No evidence for preschool being beneficial as young as this.

Exasperated · 07/02/2008 14:03

The pre-school should have the skills and experience to sort this out. They should be the ones teaching him about behaviour in class and you at home.
If you tried to punish a 2.5 yr old hours after he got home he would have completely forgotten about it, I really think you should chat to the teacher about what they're doing.

bossybritches · 07/02/2008 14:58

I think a strategy that is the same at home & at pre-school is a good idea so he doesn't get conflicting messages.

Also it is the behaviour that is wrong/nasty/naughty not the child so he doesn't get labelled

Original poster

PanicPants · 07/02/2008 16:28

Thank you all for replying.

I've only just started him at preschool, following the behaviour at the cm's escalting in recent months, in an attempt 'socialise' him a bit. I too read Toddler Taming and I know it's normal toddler behaviour. But it doesn't feel like it when the cm goes on about him every day. However, I do like the cm but I'm not sure how much she understands about child development (she hasn't had a child ds' age before and she's fairly new to it). I have had a chat with her about the strategies we use, and we both are doing the same things - but ds is very good at home as he has our attention all the time, and of course he doesn't have any other children to come into conflict with at home.

I only hear of things second hand about preschool as the cm does the pick up and drop off.

Dp is off work next week and is going to discuss things with the preschool and see if it really is in ds' best interest to continue going.

But interstingly enough I am a bit concerned about his speech - he has a huge vocabulary but doesn't pronounce anything right and does get frustrated when he can't express himself. Any ideas about what I can do about it? And yes, we do read at least 3 stories a day, and I am always talking directly to him, repeating words etc etc (I'm a teacher btw). But wonder how long I give him before taking things further.

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Original poster

PanicPants · 07/02/2008 17:00

Any other ideas?

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ancientmiddleagedmum · 07/02/2008 17:15

My DS is autistic and had no words at all at this age, so that's very different from your DS but I wonder if the method we used to stop his aggression might help in some small way?. You have to tackle it at home first though, is the problem. We used to use hairwash as an aversive therapy every single time he did anything aggressive (hit, bite, kick - anything). Instantly he did something, we took him upstairs and washed his hair (which he hates). It didn't actually take long before he started to modify his own behaviour, as he realised the consequences. After a while, we faded it down to just a splash of water on his hair and now (at 5) he is never aggressive. The theory is that you can actually change behaviours if you get in early enough, but if you leave them till 5+ they become set patterns of behaviour. Trouble is, you say he only does this at school. Sounds awful, and not everyone will agree with this, but when my son once hit his LSA at school, we modelled the situation at home, goaded him into hitting her at home, then repeated the hairwash, so he got the point that the hitting has to stop at school too. I know much of this won't be relevant, but there might be some grain in this somewhere that you could use on your DS. I think the trouble is that schools nowadays only have the "praise the good behaviour and time-outs" as strategies, and they don't work for all kids. Good luck, panic pants!

Heated · 07/02/2008 19:06

From what I've read and experienced, it's pretty common for them to be a bit devilish between 2-3, veering between wanting to be independent but dependent at the same time and not having the language skills to articulate their frustration, so 0 - instant rage in 2 seconds!

With ds, it would depend on the cause of the tantrum as to how we responded. If ds was just naughty and testing boundaries then it was time out. But tantrums can be born of frustration & DS was soothed when we used to say, tell mummy what's wrong/show me and I would repeat back to him his words, lots of "I knows" (even if I didn't!) and commiserating. Your ds is also having to learn to share and accommodate other ppl, never an easy transition. DS used to say "share" and then take the toy!

Consistency across all 3 places - preschool, cm and home will help him understand social 'rules'. You mentioned reading with him which imo is excellent (speaking with English teacher head on) and also singing is good for language development too, especially nursery rhymess with actions.

Do you think your CM is coping with him?

NKF · 07/02/2008 19:10

I'd say that he's probably not ready for nursery. It's normal behaviour but every day must become a bit wearing for all concerned.

Heated · 07/02/2008 19:23

NFK has said what I was thinking really. It must be quite hard at 2.5 to cope with 2 unfamiliar environments and faces. He might be best with just one caregiver; one that you are totally confident in. I'm worried about this for ds when he starts school at 4!

Mog · 07/02/2008 19:35

We had this with our slightly older ds, and I sympathise. It's horrible to have the daily reports. One thing that has really helped is to get the daycare to keep a diary. It's just a notebook where they jot down good and negative behaviour and you do the same at home. It saves that awful verbal tale of woe every day and we have also seen patterns emerging.
Some other strategies - children often hit in this scenario because they are 'stressed'. Maybe too many children at once for your ds. Could nursery/childminder have a quiet chair/corner where he could go when he wants to chill out?
Also try a ridiculously early bedtime for a while - extra sleep can help.
The big improvement we found though was when I actually spent some time in the nursery with him and modelled social interactions for him. Showing him how to make friends, interact in a good way.
This is a really hellish situation but he will change if you nip it in the bud. Horrible to go through.

Original poster

PanicPants · 07/02/2008 20:10

Thanks everyone. I've just read through my earlier post and noticed the dreadful spelling, so please just put it down to stress!

Ancient-your experiences are very interesting to read about, and, although very different circumstances, I wonder if I could adapt them to suit ds. I'll have to have a think about it.

Heated - I think you've hit the nail on the head about my cm - I don't think she is coping with him at the moment. She has ds, her child, and a baby. I wouldn't like to think what would happen if she took on anymore.

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Original poster

PanicPants · 07/02/2008 20:15

NFK and Heated - yes, I'm thinking that too. Dp will discuss it with the staff next week.
Mog- some good ideas, thank you. I especially like the idea of quiet time at the cm - I'll have a chat with her about it. And I think you're right about there just being toomany children there for him to cope with.

Trouble is, he is a late August birthday, so he is supposed to start nursery (FS1) in September. So that was another reason I put him into preschool now, in order to get him ready for September. He only goes once a week.

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dippydeedoo · 07/02/2008 20:16

Im a nursery nurse and you yourself know its quute common but i think id be looking into stimulating him a bit more i think its perhaps frustration that makes him behave like this and i think a god nursery nurse or child minder would come up with a action plan to make sure it didnt happen again ..

dippydeedoo · 07/02/2008 20:16

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