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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

almost 3 year old turning into a nightmare

17 replies

ksmum · 06/02/2008 16:56

My dd has always been a happy, contented sweet natured girl. Not perfect obviously, had her moments but if she did something naughty it was an isolated incident and she would go on the naughty step calm down and forget about it.

Since Christmas however she has started screeching every time I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do or ask her to stop doing things, also hitting, kicking, pulling hair and rolling aroudn in a rage. I think it may be caused by me going back to work (she was extra nice over Christmas) but I don't know how to stop her.

I have tried taking her toys away (doesn't bother her that much), step doesn't work any longer, syaing she can't have a bedtime story if she is naughty but can have 2 if she is good. Doesn't seem to make any difference. If she is hitting me I now hold her so she can't (though I hate doing that as it feels quite rough and she tries to bite and headbutt when I am doing it).

THis morning she was at it again, and I am at my wits end. I ended up screeching and called her a little git and then just feel annoyed. My DH is usually not around at the flashpoints (getting ready in the mornign for CM and getting in and then out of bath). She has been bad eveyr mornign and evening (or so it feels) for the last month. She is a bit better on my days off (3 days a week) but not that much.

Any wonderful suggestios (other than giving up work which is not feasible or telling me she will grow out of it).

My main fear is that one day I might crack and hit her back and I really don't want to do that.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Rantsalot · 06/02/2008 17:04

Time out. Pick her up, remove her from the room. Get her to calm down. Do not give her any attention and remove her from the environement where she might get any. I sometimes just sit ds (3) in his room and tell him he can stay there until he calms down. Usually takes about 2 minutes.

Make her apologise for her behaviour and explain why you don't like it.

Also, though, make sure that she has some time with you set aside everyday where she has your absolute UNDIVIDED attention. If at all possible make it the same time each day, so that she knows that she will get you to herself for a little while every day.

Just ideas - may be worth trying.

Kneehighinnappies · 06/02/2008 17:08

ksmum- i'm sorry i don't have any advice for you as I'm having the same problems with my dd1, (3 in june)except she deosn't attack me it is my dt's.
I really feel for you and I hope you get some good advice, prehaps i could use it aswell

Original poster

ksmum · 06/02/2008 17:11

I do that though, put her on the step or in another room. We have always done that. She gets LOADS of attention. In the morning she gets up gets in our bed and has milk and stories or chats (whatever she wants) for about 20 minutes/1/2 an hour.

Sorry I am not pooh poohing what you are saying its just that although the time out thing works temporarily, it is very temporary i.e. she calms down, comes back and then 5 minutes later she is having another huge strop because she doesn't like pony tails or her tights are the wrong colour (even though she pciked them).

OP posts:

Original poster

ksmum · 06/02/2008 17:12

I realise that that sounds like the onyl time she gets attention is the 20 minutes in bed. it isn't its just that then we are getting dressed and ready. Evening time we have a bath (i often get in with her, if she wants me too) stories, milk, hide and seek and a whole bedtime routine. if shes around she mostly has my attention at least on work days. Maybe she gets too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

ksmum · 06/02/2008 17:13

OP posts:

Kneehighinnappies · 06/02/2008 17:22

God my dd1 has me all day and sound just like yours

cory · 06/02/2008 17:22

No, I don't think you're giving her too much attention, or in fact that you're doing anything wrong at all. This is a stage that LOTS of children go through at this age. The terrible threes are often worse than the terrible twos. It's an age where we start having to ask quite a lot of our children in terms of maturity and independence and some of them do respond with aggression. Afraid you may just have to sit it out.

Try to remind yourself that you are the adult, the one with the strength and the power and the credit card, that she may drive you up the wall, but she can't actally win. Hopefully, this will make her tantrums easier to bear. I used to sing a lot at this stage to take my mind off the screeching. And I did restrain her to stop the biting etc. As long as you can do it calmly, I don't think there's much risk of hurting her.

Original poster

ksmum · 06/02/2008 17:30

Thank you everybody. My Dh is not much help, she doesn't do it so much with him (he isn't there as much and when he is she is often veyr pleased to see him so is nice to him), he just says things liek 'I think I am calmer than you', yes you are but so would I be if she wasn't tyring to beat me up for suggesting she go in the bath now.

The thing is I remember people going on about terrible twos and not knowing what they were talking about. It seems so sudden. Hopefully it will stop just as suddenly.

OP posts:

mazzystar · 06/02/2008 17:31

i would say

don't panic, it is likely to be a passing phase
be consistent
don't lose your cool, act totally disinterested in her tantrums, leave the room quietly
constantly reinforce positive behaviour
if you feel it is the way to go for you re consequences, you must follow through and again be consisent
let as much go as you can without being a walkover
keep food and sleep levels at optimum like having a sim

hope not stating the b*ding obvious. ds was like this for a couple of months, it coincided with a stressful patch for us all - building work. it went and he's now having a pphase vf being a proper little gent.

Original poster

ksmum · 06/02/2008 17:41

I have been thinking about it and maybe we are reacting too much. I had started a zero tolerance thing every time she hits or tries to i.e telling off, step. Maybe I should just walk away from her. Trouble is the mornings are a bit fraught trying to get us both ready so I am often worried about getting her calm so we can actually get on with the next thing. I'll give it a go and see if it works.

lets hope it is a passing phase. Serves me right in a way. I have a very screechy friend with a very tantrumy daughter and have always though to myself 'if she didn;t screech so much she wouldn't tantrum so much' wonder if it is the other way round now.

OP posts:

stleger · 06/02/2008 17:46

(I think the word threenager is what you are discussing!)

Rantsalot · 06/02/2008 17:55

PML stleger. My ds is always saying things like,

"no, mummy I'll do it MYSEEE - ELLLLLFFF"

and "leave me aloooooone"

and (this one shocked me a bit cos we don't talk like this at home)

"I just HATE that (insert toy, food, word etc etc)"

He is totally a threenager!

catinthehat · 06/02/2008 17:57

I've always taken the view that DDs behaviour is up to her. If she gets shouty or tedious, I send her out of the room so I don't have to hear her. If she won't go, I have plenty of jobs to do elsewhere which don't involve her. When she has calmed herself down, she can come back for cuddles, freely given.
You sound as if you are able to give your DD fantastic attention, so you could try gritting your teeth, letting her have her wobbly in private, then being kind when she has controlled herself (AND pointing out how well she has done for controlling herself.)
Not helpful for 5 minutes before leaving for school at the moment, but if she gets the point when its NOT time critical, she might feel a bit more in charge of her feelings when it IS critical and everyone's all stressy and winding her up.

Original poster

ksmum · 07/02/2008 11:28

I was out last night (very rare treat) and DH had to do nighttime stuff by himself. Apparently she was a total nightmare, he couldn't get her into bed etc. I have to admit to a slight feeling of pleasure as now he can stop suggesting it is my fault. Anyway this morning she was totally delightful, so she got lots of praise. Am hoping for a pleasant evening. if not I think the ignoring/walking away approach is going to be adopted. I used to do this, don;t know why I stopped really. I have asked CM to try and give her a nap. She never naps there anymore but CM does nto bother to try and encourage it. She does when she is with me and her temper is much better on those evenings.

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roseybump · 07/02/2008 14:40

I was about to post a new thread very similar to this one, and having read through it now I've just taken a deep breath and reminded myself they're just toddlers. I did read the 'Taming toddlers' book and it was very good. Its just not that easy to remember when you're in throws of yet another tantrum. HAd a horrific day with 4 yr old and 2 yr old - both losing the plot all over the place - its taken all my will not to lose my cool (tempting!). A niggling doubt is whether there is any need to get 4 yr old checked at docs - when are they supposed to grow out of this behaviour- it seems to be getting worse!(hmm)

ELR · 08/02/2008 20:17

i am having this problem but dd is 5!! she flies into a rage starts throwing her toys ect and trying to hit me this all started a few months ago i am at my wits end my grandma died in october and dd was very close to her chatting on the phone twice a day, everyday for at least half an hour each time this is the only thing i can think it is.
It is just so hard dd has just had a friend around who had to leave in tears because he was scared of dd

HonoriaGlossop · 08/02/2008 21:24

ksmum I think you're right and your 'zero tolerance' approach has been just fanning the flames. It really IS a very normal phase and she will of course come out the other side. Being (or seeming) calm will really help.

At this age with my ds I went a LONG way to avoid confrontation, specially about things like getting ready. Doesn't matter what they wear, whether they look utterly mad, whether their hair is brushed, etc etc, if it means you avoid a confrontation. My ds was always in character too so anything I needed him to do I simply did it in character as in "here's the superhero toothbrush, superheroes have the CLEANEST teeth in the world, you can't be one, cos yours arent that clean".......etc etc. Kids this age love races and challenges too, try racing her to get dressed or similar.

Also goofing around and making him laugh really worked to divert 'situations'.

Basically, lighten up about it and do NOT take this, or LIFE, too seriously!

oh and remember nothing works ALL the time, there are bad days for everyone and you just have to breathe through it!

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