How do you 'gentle parent' when the toddler is bossy as hell?

[Margo34]

My 2yo is bossy. 2y3m. I'm not enjoying parenting with the level of sass and bossiness. Nursery key workers tell me they're bossy there too, and that the behaviour was just on the borderline of being manageable/acceptable. MIL and FIL commented on it, siblings comment on it, friends say "they certainly know what they want!"

I rephrase all demands into polite full sentences and wait for toddler to ask again. I hold boundaries and use natural consequences.

Today I felt awful because I said "if you can't tidy up your teddies then mummy will help you with that and put them all away somewhere else." All of them currently sat in my wardrobe, except 1 - luckily the favourite avoided the drama because they were in another room uninvolved so was still available for bedtime. Still feel awful about it but I'd said it so needed to follow through. I didn't feel this was a particularly gentle or empathetic parenting response of mine though, could do better.

Is it just a phase? This bossiness? It's totally draining. Where have I gone wrong?

Sounds completely normal to me, my DD1 is incredibly bossy and so are lots of other little people I know. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, you've probably just got a very determined little person which you could see as a positive personality trait in many ways.

I suspect your small person is just too small for the idea of natural consequences which might be the problem with those right now. Perhaps also lower your expectations relative to age, at 2 years my eldest would perhaps tidy for 2 mins or just one thing. It gets better as they get older. Try and give more control perhaps - 2 choices worked well with my first - shall we today up like dogs or cats and then make sure you do a Great impression of whichever is chosen.

I would ignore nurseries comments for now.

It's totally normal- not to say it's not draining and annoying!- but it is very normal and I agree with PP it shows you have a kid who knows how to stand up for themselves which is great. I have a rather bossy 2.5yo and have very little expectations of him tidying up after himself to be honest. He's my second so maybe I've gained a bit of perspective about what's realistic (or maybe I'm just a pushover!). I would say choose your battles, lower your expectations in certain areas and hold your line on behaviour that is really unacceptable like biting, hitting, throwing hard things etc.

I do already give two choices, have done since about 9 or 10m old and I already pick my battles.

I don't think expecting little one to join in with tidying up is expecting too much - e.g. with Duplo, I'd ask "do you want to tidy up the red bricks or the yellow bricks?" and I'd do the others. NO screamed back repeatedly is very draining.

Bossiness in the park today - bossed the friend around so much, whacked the friend when they didn't do as my little one wanted, friend cried - no, wailed so loudly. Three times over this happened, restorative conversation with me and apologised to the friend each time. My little one knows it isn't kind and yet still does it when they don't get their way. I said to the friend's parent today that one day soon I quite want toddler to boss around an older child and for them to turn around and whack back. Awful thing to want for my child but if that's the way they'll learn then 🤷

I'm not going to ignore nursery's observation, I don't think that is constructive, because it isn't just nursery that has made the observation, multiple people times over too. They've been an nursery since 11m and only had problems in the last 2-3months.

Even my DH can't stand the toddler and will escape back to the sanctity of WFH earlier than his contractual start time, then take a short lunch to avoid the toddler too and finish late as well. When I say starts early/finishes late - I mean, logs off but stays in the office room pootling on the internet. Anything to avoid the bossiness.

I'm a gentle parent with a strong willed child. I have a few really firm red lines (shouting, violence, chucking stuff, wrecking stuff) but I let the rest go. I didn't hassle her about tidying up age 2, she's pretty tidy now at 6. I focused on having a great relationship with her and having fun and I let lot slide but it did all pay off and she's really a delight now.

If she crossed any of the red lines I'd take her away from the situation and say - I can't let you do that.

I didn't really get into stand offs.

Everything else was basically ok.