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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

SAHM to a 15 mo old, can't afford childcare..will he be more clingy/happy to socialise when older?

30 replies

fairylights · 05/02/2008 13:10

my ds is nearly 15 mo and i am a SAHM (and student!), which i really enjoy for the most part - ds and i get on well and have lots of fun. I take him to a playgroup/toddler thing most days just to get out of the house, and he enjoys these (as do I!). We can't really afford any childcare - like sending him to nursery a couple of mornings a week or something - and we don't have any family closer than 200 miles away so really he just has me or dh always caring for him. Sometimes i have left him with a friend who also has a son the same age with mixed success. He is quite a shy, sensitive little soul who takes a while to get used to new places/people.
Anyway, i think maybe i just want reassurance that one day when he does go to a playgroup/nursery school on his own he won't find it really difficult! (but please feel free to tell me if this wasn't the case with your LO)
I expect actually he will cope a lot better than i expect - but of course he is my PFB so i have no experience to go on..apart from the collective wisdom of MN! TIA

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mrsgboring · 05/02/2008 13:32

My DS is 2.3 and I didn't go back to work because he didn't want to be left. But I now firmly believe that children don't need to be left without their parents until they're ready.

Plenty of research that nursery is of no benefit; in fact detrimental before the age of 3 and to boys.

Have his little friends round to socialise with him, but don't leave him.

IMHO, the best socialisation is really to go out a lot to loads of different places - toddler groups yes, but also crowded buses, nice cafes and restaurants, museums etc. where they have to learn how to behave with other people of all ages.

When he is five or six or so he will be desperate to get out of your sight and play some incomprehensible game on bikes or in mud with his friends.

Original poster

fairylights · 05/02/2008 13:43

thanks mrsboring - good advice!
anyone else?

OP posts:

cornsilk · 05/02/2008 13:45

It depends on your child's own personality IMO (unless you live like a hermit which you obviously don't!)

Weegle · 05/02/2008 13:50

it depends on your child's personality - my DS is shy around people he doesn't know. DH and I are like that so it's hardly surprising. However I force myself to get out and about with him to several different settings/groups etc where there are other children to socialise with. I also take him to things like music group where I'm hoping he learns things like a teacher/authority figure and taking turns and following instructions in a group setting. I hope these things will help when it does come time for him to be out of the home more without me. However my DS does at times have to be left with other (familiar) adults (due to my health reasons) - he's had this from a young age and he now doesn't even give me a backward glance!

WriggleJiggle · 05/02/2008 13:50

If you keep taking him to doller groups, his confidence will grow. dd spent ages just sitting on my knee and watching before she would join in. Some children are 'barge right in' types, others are 'suss out the situation' types.

Will all be fine, don't worry.

becklespeckle · 05/02/2008 13:59

Sounds like you are doing all the right stuff to me Fairylights. I didn't put my DSs in playgroup or nursery until they were nearly 3 and happy to go be independent without me. Why would I pay someone else to be with them when they were happy with me?

DS1 was happy to be left at playschool from day 1, he loved it. DS2 took longer to settle in so he only went 1 morning a week until he wanted to go more often.

I think that toddler groups provide enough socialisation for them when they are small and both my DSs are highly independent now they are older! As Mrsgboring said - they are now desparate to be off playing in the mud and out of my sight (hard for me but fab for them!).

blueshoes · 05/02/2008 14:37

fairylights, come your ds' third birthday, he will be entitled to free sessions at a nursery funded by SureStart. I am sure he will be fine.

phlossie · 05/02/2008 15:19

Hello fairylights. I've been a SAHM for 2 years now! I have no judgement on whether people put their los in childcare or not, it's just what I wanted for me and my children.
At around the age your ds is now, I worried loads about how shy and sensitive he was - he used to cry when other children made a loud noise near him. In fact, another mum at a toddler group asked if I'd consider sending him to nursery to 'toughen him up'!!!
He's going to be 2 next week and is now a wonderful, sweet, well behaved - and very very confident boy. He doesn't snatch toys, but he isn't worried by confrontations with other children. People always comment on what a lovely nature he has.
Just recently I've been dropping him off to play with friends and leaving him there for an hour or two. He doesn't bat an eyelid about me leaving.
Obviously I'm not putting this down to being at home with me, I'm just saying that confidence comes with age. You're doing all the right things, just take it a step at a time. One day you'll go to a toddler group or friend's house and he'll go off to play on his own without looking back! You sound like a lovely mum - your ds is very lucky!
Another thing to watch for is language development. My ds is speaking later than my friends' los who go to nursery. It may not be the case with you, but hv says it's quite common. I've just had 2 yr check and he is ahead of his milestones anyway, so, again, it's nothing to worry about.

(ps - my mum was a SAHM, and apparantly on my first day of school she was hovering around me nervously expecting me to cling to her legs, but I just said 'it's alright mum, you can go home now!' She was the one who ended up crying!)

sfxmum · 05/02/2008 15:25

my guess it is a combination of personality and how confident he is.
I have been sahm since dd was born, now 2.8 she is quite confident ans outgoing talks to everyone and is confident in new situations/ places.
we visited the nursery she will attend, part time from September and she spent 20min in the 3-5 room while we talked to the manager and she was fine even wanted to stay after we joined her.

but I did face lots of criticism for all my AP ish style of parenting and she did go through clingy patches as most kids do I guess.

hope it helps

phlossie · 05/02/2008 15:29

sfxmum - it makes me mad when people criticise others' parenting styles.

Original poster

fairylights · 05/02/2008 15:31

good to hear your stories ladies - and reassuring too!
Just one thing about funded places - don't they get it when they are 2.5 years old?
We have a lovely playgroup near us who will take him (without me staying) from age 2 so i have planned to send him there when either when he is 2 (if we have the money!) or when it becomes funded.
Anyway, so glad to hear that your dc's have ended up with confidence etc.. in new settings.
I guess most of the mums i meet work at least PT so it seems like everyones kids are in nursery/with a minder, but obviously that isn't the case!

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 15:47

I was a SAHM with DD, until she was at school, I put her in nursery when it was funded at 3 and she went every morning, never had a problem with it, she then went to school, and has since changed schools (she is 7) and has not once had a problem with settling in.

DS is 3, I first put him in nursery at 8months when I became a single parent and had to go to work, but since he was 2 I've been home with him and am not planning on putting him in playgroup until a year before he ahs to start school, he's perfectly happy at layareas and parks etc to disappear off on his own and I cant imagine him having any problems settling in.

As otehrs have said it is more to do with yours and your childs personalities.

becklespeckle · 05/02/2008 16:08

Good point about the speech Phlossie, DS1 met all his milestones for speech but was not particularly talkative before he started nursery. It was very noticeable within a few weeks though that he was talking more and more and now he never stops!

Nursery funding is at 3 but I didn't send either of my boys every day to start with anyway, luckily we have an excellent playschool which is only £7 a session so I just sent them for 1 or 2 a week until they were funded.

sfxmum · 05/02/2008 16:12

actually speech is one of dd's strong points she is very clear and has huge vocabulary I guess it depends

we attend playgroups and socialise quite a lot, my family babysit so she is used to different people. she is also very close to dh, he was home for 4 months when she was 1yr old and I went briefly back to work.
she adapted well to that never cried or stressed about separation.
I remember the worry when we first left her with someone other than ourselves but she was fine waving buy etc.

and besides kids are ready for different things at different times like everything else

imho

sfxmum · 05/02/2008 16:13

waving bye bye that is

VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 16:17

My two ahve always been good talkers too tbh, especially DD because it was only me and her at home we talked all the time, with DS he wasnt as ealry as her because as soon as he made a noise she spoke for him and did whatever she imagined he wanted so he had no need to talk, but I dont think speech has much to do with socialising at nursery tbh.

sfxmum · 05/02/2008 16:20

VS lol at your dd I imagine my little miss bossy pants would do the same to nay future bibblings

sfxmum · 05/02/2008 16:21

or any future siblings, must give typing with one hand

becklespeckle · 05/02/2008 19:44

I wonder if speech is different with boys and girls? Most people I know with their DC1 being a girl say that they do the talking for their DC2. Most people I know with boys (including myself) as their eldest are the opposite!

wheelybug · 05/02/2008 19:48

Have not read whole thread but here's my experience -

I am a SAHM and dd was with me solely until she went to pre-school at 2.8. We had spent the time doing toddler groups/swimming/music group/visiting various friends.

She went in the door of pre-school and barely said goodbye to me. She's been going 1.5 terms so far and every day she is the same. I have friend's whose children have been used to 1-2 mornings of childcare a week since 6 months and took a term to settle at pre-school.

That's not to say that one causes the other just that it depends on the child. DD has always been quite confident and a 'good joiner' and generally enthuses which has meant she loves nursery.

denbury · 05/02/2008 19:54

ds1 is great ds2 is a nightmare and makes himself sick if parted from me.all credit to pre school and creche they just clean him up and he's then fine.he only at pre school 5hrs a week(2 sessions) and creche for 3hrs.he's 2.3 oldest is 4.take both to toddlers and swimming to so both used to lots of people. ds2 is getting better but seems to be taking a long time. hope yours is like my ds1 when he gets his pre-school vouchers and you can leave him but if not don't worry.even if you just leave him for an hour it's better than nothing!!!!!!

micegg · 05/02/2008 19:55

My DD has been in nursery since 9 months for 2 days a week as I work. She is now 2.4. When I compare her to her friends of the same age who have not been to any type of childcare I dont see any difference I can put down to having been at nursery. In my opinion, its the personality of the child. My DD happens to be very outgoing as does one of her friends who has never been to nursery. Whereas a friend who uses the same nursery as us has a lovely DD who is naturally reseved and shy. I am pregnant again and hope to have at least 2 years as a SAHM which will mean the next one wont go to nursery as soon as DD did. It will be interesting to see if I notice much of a difference, thats assuming I can account for personality differenes anyway. I think we have been lucky that DD who had to go to nursery at a young age happened to really suit it.

Original poster

fairylights · 05/02/2008 20:09

really interesting... personality seems to account for a lot in your experiences and i guess that is totally logical.
I can see my ds's confidence growing week by week actually so that gives me confidence for the future too!
So interesting hearing how others have got on..

OP posts:

blob2be · 05/02/2008 20:39

If you're a student, you should be entitled to 85% of childcare costs (I think!) - I am in the same boat as you - I look after my 15mo DS pretty much FT but am also doing a FT masters degree. I've decided to not put DS in nursery though as I want to spend as much time with him as poss, which means that I have no social life as I spend every evening studying! I too worry that he's maybe not as assertive and outgoing as other children of his age. He is like your son, fairly shy and sensitive. But I think that might just be his nature, altough I have resloved to take him to toddler group more regularly! What are you studying?

lucharl · 05/02/2008 21:38

fairylights, I'm a sahm (and single mum to boot) too and there was no way my daughter was ready for nursery at 15 mo. I started her for one morning at 2.5 (thanks to SureStart grant - maybe that is what you are thinking about?) but took her out again after a few weeks as she seemed unhappy and I didn't need her to be in nursery but had put her in as she expressed interest.

she is now 3.5 and has been happily going to nursery for 3 sessions a week since last October. There are odd blips and she can still be clingy when i leave her but I knew when the time was right and I think it has done her the world of good and has given me some valuable time for myself too!

she and I have always socialised a lot through playgroups, friends, family etc and I think this has given her rich experiences and a great start. nursery is just another layer in all this and only you know when your child is ready for this. like your ds, she is sometimes shy and sensitive (though she can also be incredibly extrovert and loud on occasions!) and I really think this is a result of family circumstances, life experiences etc rather than the fact she has spent a lot of time with me.

your ds may well always be shy and sensitive or may explode with confidence at nursery thanks to the confidence he has acquired by knowing that you have always been there for him. And what's so wrong with shy and sensitive anyway?!

best of luck!

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