DS and DH - its like being in a war zone

[sidey]

My 4 year old ds has his moments but usually quite well behaved until dh walks in through the door. The behaviour then escalates until dh loses his temper and then asks me to back him up.

Last night DH comes in and DS was actually ok, but 6.30 p.m came and my dh asked ds to tidy his toys up in the living room to which ds replied 'no'. DH loses is temper, gets a bin bag and starts putting ds toys in saying he is going to throw them away if he doesn't tidy them up. DS starts screaming and won't put toys away, then Dh looks at me and says can't you back me up.

I tell him to do in the shower and said to ds come and help mommy tidy your toys and he did.

I can't back my husband up sometimes as his discipline skills are different to mine. Instead of doing what he did I say to ds 'can you help mommy tidy up' and he does.

This is causing big arguments in our house and tonight I feel all the toys should be put away before he gets in.

Can a ds of 4 and dh really can't get on
DS says e doesn't love DH
I have had it
Sorry for big rant

Huge HUGS!!!
we have been through this a thousand times. It feels like DS1 and Dh are rutting stags at times.
I spend so much time with DS1 that I know the best way of asking so that things get done.
I assume it is the same in your house.
With DS1 if I say do it he will say no.
If I say lets tidy up so that the house will be clean and tidy when Daddy gets home he will get up and help me.

I have asked Dh sooooooo many times to think about the way he is talking to DS1 or to give him time to get used to the suggestion.

All I can suggest is that in a quiet calm time you talk to your Dh and let him know that you won't undermine him infront of your DS BUT he has to accept that after the fact you may say to him that you were uncomfortable with the way he dealt with things.

Sorry for mamouth reply keep talking - I hope some other ladies on here will be able to offer more advice!

Hi JingleyJen
My DH is very strict and I suppose I would rather have an easy life but don't let DS get away with things.

My DH doesn't know how to control DS without smacking him, which I don't think does any good.

DH is also getting peed off because DS says he doesn't love him anymore and will never cuddle or say goodnight to him.

Maybe because my dad was v, strict meant I was not very close to him which I regret now and this is where it is going with my ds and dh

DH just seems to be shouting all the time to DS

ARGGGGGGGGGGG

Have the same with DH sometimes, it's not that I disagree with what he's trying to do but it's the way he goes about it.

He has a habit of lecturing ds at length sometimes. DS is only 2.6 and must wonder WTF are you talking about dad?

Example ds always pulls off loads of loo roll when he goes to the toilet cue dh
"DS how many times have I told you not to pull so much loo roll off, that's too much, don't do it. It's a waste of money. I've told you this before haven't I?"

Makes me want to bang his head against a wall.

Oooh sorry my own little mini rant that was really of no help to you at all

I know what you mean Connortraceptive, my DH will say things as well and I think why??

I don't think he thinks before saying something or doing something

By piling his toys into a bin bag is only going to make the situation worse.

He wonders then why DS doesn't want to cuddle him or anything

We went on a parenting course arranged through our playgroup (at my request) I have some of the info still it is about respectful parenting - one of the videos we watched showed an adult speaking to another adult the way some parents speak to their children - I think that video was one of the most effective parts of the course for DH.

If you want I could dig out some of the stuff for you. (If you think your DH would take note of it?)

Sometimes I just keep quiet because I don't think it's worth the arguement with DH but there have been some issues that I've insisted DH sees my way and tries things my way. Like DS's refusal to eat dinner. Meal times were turning into such astressfull production of DH getting stressed and then ds being in tears.

In the end I sat Dh down and insisted that we try it my way i.e Put food down if he eats lots of praise if he doesn't ignore remove food once we've finished and not give alternatives. Took a while but DH follows this now.

Thanks jingleyJen
I suppose I could try but DH is very stubborn and when I try to talk to him about things it ends up in a row.

DH made an effort a few months ago and used to take ds swimming every week. I noticed an improvement in how they were together.

I said to DH the prob is u don't do anything with ds only shout at him and said about going swimming again, but never got a reply.

We should be starting IVF soon and I am seriously reconsidering it

Been there as well Connortraceptive, now I try to give ds dinner before we have ours. Wrong thing to do I suppose but less hassle

Yes I sometimes do his before we have ours now too. Sometimes you've got to make life easy on yourself. Although if dh asks why DS isn't eating with us I do tell him "because I can't be arsed to listen to you getting all stressed out so it's easier not to have you around"

If he won't change his habits that's one thing but I'm not going to pretend when I think he's being a knob about something

too right!!!

Someone needs to write a book "How to deal with the way you dh deals with your dc and stay sane"

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this because it would help if you were both singing from the same hym sheet!! There are going to be times when you need to back each other up and it doesn't give a very good message to the children if they think 1 parent going to do 1 thing and another does something different..consistency and it would stop a lot of the stress levels that you feeling atm. Listen to his views and then put yours across and try and come to some sort of agreement with how to deal with the children!! I know men can be proper knobs sometimes and my dh no different but i don't tend to say owt infront of kids, i will usually tell him about it when they in bed and i will say i don't like the way you handled that situation, and i would have done it this way!! and we spend more time with the children generally so we probably best placed to know what will work for us and children than they do!!

Hi Bitcat. I have discussed problems in the past with dh and he listens. Such as I discussed using the naughty step instead of smacking which he does do, but the problem with men is they are not consistent, so it lasts for a while then goes back.

Anyway it will be back to WW2 again in about an hour so wis me luck !!

Oh, its the same here!! DS1 is 3 1/2 and he and DH just seem not to gel quite that well. My DH also shouts at DS and he often labours the point so much instead of just moving on. And it all usually ends up with DS either doing his 'annoying' behaviour even more or getting upset and just wanting to be with me. And Dh also sometimes talks to DS1 like he's 23 not 3!!! Along the lines of "I told you before not to put dirty hands on the doors - how many times do I have to tell you. They were expensive and we wont be able to buy you toys if we have to replace the doors" etc... I mean FFS, DS has switched off long before DH reaches the end of the rant. I also hear plenty of "I dont like Daddy".

Anyway, we have another DS who is 6 months old so I'm really trying to crack this and make our household more harmonious. As we usually end up arguing about it whenever we talk about it, I've recently bought a book called 'Toddler Taming' which pretty much matches my views on how to handle our DS's. I've also sat down with DH recently and quite cleary said that I want us to talk about the way we handle DS1 for 10 mins with no arguing and accusing. I've also asked him to read specific sections in the book as I think the book can advise him in a way that makes it less confrontational. I just want us to bring up two confident happy boys and I fear that we'll just have the same issues with DS2. When I said this, DH said that perhaps DS2 is his chance to get it right but that just annoyed me as DS1 is only 3!!!! I felt a bit like he'd already given up on his relationship with DS1.

Sorry I'm not really helping much but I would suggest you use the possibility of another child to make your point. Be quite clear that you dont want the problem doubled and that you both need to make some clear groundrules about whats acceptable and what isn't and then be consistent. Also ask him how you should handle times when either one of you disagrees with the way the other is doing things. Try to get him to think of ways to resolve it? Sorry if all sounds fairly basic but its still quite fresh for me as we are in this exact position.

Let us know how you get on!!! How was the rest of the day??

"My 4 year old ds has his moments but usually quite well behaved until dh walks in through the door. The behaviour then escalates until dh loses his temper and then asks me to back him up."

DH lost the 'right' of asking you to back him up when he lost his temper.

Well, when dh got in yesterday we had a bit of a chat. I told him how I felt and that I didn't like thefact that I felt I was dealing with 2 kids who had lost their temper. Everything I say he has got an answer for

In the end I told him I would not support him when I didn't agree with his parenting skills and told him he needed to spend more time with ds or he will basically want nothing to do with him.

All I get in reply is 'when do I have the time to spend with ds when I am busy with work?' I told him even it was just 10 minutues to rea a book together or something.

Anyway we will see.

Is there anyway you could tape or film him? Maybe hearing/seeing the way he sounds might shock him.

When DH gets a bit dictatorial I remind him that he sounds like his father. Many men had fathers like this so that is all they know.

In return, DH tells me I am like my mother when I get anxious and snappy!

Dh can be like this with the dcs (3 and 4)sometimes. Never hits them but shouts at them, particularly ds.

We have talked about it endlessly and he perceives that there is a problem but seems unable to stop.

One thing we have done is to have a naughty step. The reason for this is not that I think its a particularly successful form of discipline but because it allows dh to impose order and separate himself from ds. That way, he avoids screaming at ds. I think he over uses it, but it is better to do that than to damage their relationship. The dcs will also tell dh if they think he is shouting at them. This does not always make him stop but does at least make him pause and consider what he is doing.

I will also whisper sotto voce to dh if I can see what is coming that what he is deciding to make an issue out of is not and should be left well alone.

Finally, when dh goes too far, I tell him and either he apologises to the dcs or I will not support him. I will not endorse bad treatment of my children by anyone, even him and I want them to know that I will try and be impartial.

I know not everyone is a fan of the naughty step but I do think it's a great tool if you are prone to shouting and losing your temper.

I hate losing my temper with ds so often will put him on the step to give myself a break from his behaviour and to calm myself down.

I have similar moments of irritation. It's not actually that dh and I often disagree about matters of discipline or that we don't make a habit of backing each other up. It's just that he asks them to do things in this really miserable whingey irritable voice, as if he fully expected them to disobey- and it does turn out to be something of a self-fuliflling prophecy. Particularly difficult as dd has a lot of pain issues, so really needs the brisk confident approach to get her going. I have spoken to him in private so many times and he agrees with me about what he's doing- but when he's actually in a situation he goes straight into feeling sorry for himself instead of thinking about the best way to get results. So then I don't know what to do, I don't always want to be the one that steps in and gets them moving, because that too undermines his authority. They love him dearly, but honestly, the way he tells them to do things, nobody would want to do anything, he sounds such an old misery. He seems totally incapable of dissembling, bless him.

I think this problem then is quite common in families. Men just haven't a clue. If dh starts again I am going to show him these messages!