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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

ye old "when to give up the dummy" question

23 replies

kirbs · 04/02/2008 20:51

My 20 mo daughter has her dummy very occasionally in the day time (in the car when stressed is one) as she uses her thumb a lot. At night I can sometimes get her off with a dummy but usually, like last night, she would start crying soon after leaving the room. We left it for 15 minutes last night, went back in and she had soaked her top through with dribble from crying so much!

Needless to say, if you say "do you want your dummy" half way through a mad crying episode, she stops dead and says "yes". Give her the dummy and she lies back down peaceful as an angel.

This goes the same for when she wakes in the night, generally a dummy stops her straight away. Maybe I should stand there with her for 30 minutes without the dummy to try to calm her, but sleep gets the better of me

I'm not sure whether to try controlled crying (I think it is too late on for that) or wait till she is old enough to communicate (like 2 years old) and try the dummy fairy trick (tell her to put it under her pillow and she'll get a present.

Any advice or similiar stories would be welcome.

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cocolepew · 04/02/2008 20:58

My dd is 6 and still uses it at night, I really don't see this as a problem. My dd1 gave up of her own accord at 18 months. When I stopped dd2 from bringing it downstairs she just sucked something else. She sometimes would go upstairs and has a wee suck and a quiet moment. I don't see what good taking away something that is so much of a comfort to her would achieve.

DforDiva · 04/02/2008 21:06

my dd is almos 3 but she only uses at bed time. keeps it in her bedside table. i dont see this problem. i raher have them dummy tham thumb. once i saw 13yr old sucking thumb and sleeping in the train to liverpool. i was but her mum said she did it since baby. i thought she is not a baby anymore

tortoise · 04/02/2008 21:08

DD2 age 3 gave her dummy to santa. I am regretting it because she loved her dummy and now has her thumb stuck in her mouth all day! At leat with the dummy i could limit it to night time and if she was poorly.

Original poster

kirbs · 04/02/2008 21:36

Thanks all. I think the biggest problem for me is that she'll wake in the night, having lost her dummy from the cot, and cry because she wants it (i think). If she could just have it to go to sleep and didn't need it again, that would be great. But pretty much every other night I or my husband has to get up sometimes 3 times to give her a dummy. In fact everynight when we go to bed we leave 2 dummies outside her room because we know we won't be able to find the dropped on in the dark!
It just gets hard work. Maybe when she's older she'll not cry when she wakes up wanting it because she understands better, or something, or nothing.....

OP posts:

tortoise · 04/02/2008 21:40

I remember that lost dummy thing very well! They do learn to search around for one a bit more eventually. Leave more than 1 in the cot!

soph28 · 04/02/2008 21:47

my dd was like that. Waking up in the night and crying cos she had lost her dummy and we would have to go in and search for it. I did resort to attaching it to her sleeping bag with a dummy saver and that helped but sometimes that would get lost too!

I wouldn't have minded if she just used it to get to sleep but she wanted it in her mouth all night.

Anyway about 6 weeks ago I took the plunge and went cold turkey and she was fine!!! She was 16mths so I think not quite old enough to create a massive fuss. I had expected it to be a nightmare though.

Anyway, the positive thing is that she rarely wakes in the night anymore and if she does she just goes back to sleep without us going in!

forkhandles · 04/02/2008 21:48

My DS has a dummy (DDs both thumb suckers) and would wake in the night looking for one. I found that a full bumper round his cot stopped them escaping through the bars and I buy those glow in the dark ones from Avent so at least I could see them if I needed to. I put loads in his cot (about 8) some in each corner at the top and he just stretches his hand up for one when he needs it!

ja9 · 04/02/2008 21:50

ds just used to have his at sleep time. would sleep anywhere with it - friends houses, car, beach etc. it was great. he didn't just use it to get over to sleep but would regularly wake and pop it back in himself. we tackled it when he had definitey dropped his afternoon nap - i feared if i had taken it before then, it would have been the end of naps.

we told him big boys don't have dummies and prepared him that he wouldn't have his dummy soon. then spoke lots about it during the day leading up to his first dummy free night. it took about 3 or 4 nights of crying when he went down. we gave wee rewards in the morning - can't remember what but just small things. he got over it much more quickly than i ever anticipated.!

ja9 · 04/02/2008 21:51

he was 2.7 ish.

Heated · 04/02/2008 21:52

It was the searching for the dummy at night and crying for it that meant dummy was no more in our house - but ds was 8m so slightly easier to achieve methinks than with a 2yr old!

SIL has waited until ds was 3 and Father Christmas was given them.

Original poster

kirbs · 08/02/2008 14:23

well 1 night and a mere 1.5 hours of countrolled crying resulted in a pretty much quite night (there was one wedged up the top of the cot issue but that was quickly sorted). Lets wait and see how nursery got on as we left the dummy out of her backpack.....then tonight!

Must admit though its hubby doing the controlled crying bit, my heart breaks at the noise......

OP posts:

Nannies · 08/02/2008 14:38

children do not need dummies!!
It takes patience,communication and consistancy is the key. If you decide to take it away you have to stick to it otherwise you are fighting a loosing battle.
You are the boss- what you say goes- children are adaptable and can be tought anything. You cant have seperate rules for mum- dad- daycare etc everyone needs to be on the same page.

pooka · 08/02/2008 14:42

Children may not NEED dummies in the sense that they will still exist without them. But why remove a palpable source of comfort? Unless the use has become a problem.
I used to adopt the dummies strewn like rose petals approach and dd and ds have both become adept at finding them. DD however stopped using her dummy completely just before she was 4 (the dummy fairy came).

2sugars · 08/02/2008 14:43

They're 6. You go on holiday and then they decide they don't want it any longer. Shockingly old.

divedaisy · 08/02/2008 14:50

My son & I discussed his dummy thing when he was 2 1/2. He agreed to go to his local toy shop with all his dummies in a bag and 'gave them to the babies' - in return he got 'Terence' from Thomas & Co - we took photos and made a great celebration of it. It was his choice, his reward - and we didn't look back.

I sucked my thumb as a child and ended up with buck teeth. I stopped at 9 1/2 only because I had to wear an orthodontic plate to correct the problem.

Nannies · 08/02/2008 14:57

I feel it is the parents palpable source of comfort-not the childs and is easier to stick a dummy in their mouths than listen to crying or dealing with what is making them cry in the first place.

bubblagirl · 08/02/2008 15:14

my ds is 2.7 and still has one for sleep as he really will only settle with a dummy

had lots of sleep problems had sleep therapist who said no need to give it up for a night time yet

he does not have dummy in day and will not ask for one but he does love to sleep with one

he is speech delayed but not due to dummy and it easier for me to give it to him of a night as he cant tell me the problem and gets frustrated but settles with his duggy as he calls it

i dont want him having it later than 3 half but for now i'm not taking it away as finally sleeping in own bed all night hooray

juuule · 08/02/2008 16:55

Agree with Pooka. Dummies are a comfort for some children. Why remove it for the sake of it. It has very little to do with it being for the parents evading looking into the cause of the child's upset. Some children just love sucking.
Some of my children had dummies, some didn't. Some for a long time and some for a short time. It doesn't seem to have caused any of them any problems.

katelyle · 08/02/2008 17:15

My ds had his to go to sleep with until he was nearly 4. He had it in until he was asleep then it fell out and stayed out. In the morning he used to put it under his pillow, and part of his bed time ritual was him reaching under his pillow and pretending to be surprised when he found it. He sucked it for a maximum of 10 minutes an evening. When he was nearly 4 I said one night'How about leaving it under your pillow and seing if you an sleep without it?""OK' he said, and did. It stayed under his pillow for a week or so, then he gave it to me saying he didn't need it any more. Go with the flow is my philosophy!

Minkus · 08/02/2008 17:23

I wouldn't personally get too worried about getting rid just yet, although I don't think there is any particular reason to wait though if you really think it's time. So if it feels about right then in probably is.

DS is 3.3 and still has his dummy for sleeping. Am a bit about it but on the other hand I don't really see the problem, I hate seeing older ones with dummies in public but as its only for bed time and naps and he's a good sleeper I don't really want to rock the boat! Additionally I had my cuddle blanket and sucked my fingers until ds was born when I was 28(eeek!!!)- admittedly cuddle blanket lived under my pillow and fingers only given a good go when I felt rotten but I don't think its caused me any lasting problems

Will probably encourage the dummy fairy to visit when he starts pre school in a year or so, maybe a bit less. Oh lax mother that I am

Original poster

kirbs · 09/02/2008 22:47

Well, here is some hope for you fellow sufferers. We went cold turkey 3 nights ago and battled 1.5 hours of controlled screaming to start with, then one slight whimper in the night which required her being moved down the cot.

Last night it was over in 20 minutes, and although she woke 3 times in the night, she settled herself within 10 seconds.

Tonight, after hubby read her a book, she stuck her thumb in and went down without any fuss.

I suppose I should throw all the dummies out now, but something tells me I might regret that.

Thanks for all your advice on this one.

OP posts:

Triggles · 10/02/2008 19:25

We took the dummy away from DS when he was just over a year. He was beginning to chew or bite them and had partially bitten through it! We took it away immediately, as we were afraid that he would bite off a piece of it and choke. 2 evenings of difficult bedtime, and that was pretty much it. But then, we absolutely went cold turkey and would not budge, due to the risk of choking on a piece.

SugarSkyHigh · 10/02/2008 19:37

Kirbs, hi, here is my dummy experience!

DD1 - "no way will any child of mine have a dummy!"

DD2 - in hospital with pneumonia at 5 months, still BF, but she is doing an awful lot of comfort sucking which drives me mad, so I do the unthinkable and give her a dummy - result - happy baby with constant sucking, happy me able to lie down without baby nibbling at me without actually feeding.

Trouble is, DD2 gets VERY attached to the dummy scenario and at 2 yrs of age has a collection of about 6 of them in her bed and plays castanets with them looped through her fingers every night. VERY difficult to get her to give up dummy. Various traumatic things happen with DD3, which means it's not right to deprive DD2 of dummy yet.

In the end, age 3, on her third birthday, I take her to the toy shop to give up her dummy. Dummy Lady (aka Shop Assistant who has been informed prior to this) gives her a cuddly toy in return. DD2 sobs for loss of dummy for a short time, then attaches to said cuddly toy and still is very close to him! (she's now 9 yrs old).

btw, yes she had a dummy til 3 yrs old , but only in the house or at bedtime.

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